


Lost On You

by Puntrest



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Drug Use, Excessive Drinking, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Multi, Other, Sexual Content, endgame ships listed but a lot of others happen first, nothing you wouldn't see in an episode of Skins (UK)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-09 21:47:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 55,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5556644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puntrest/pseuds/Puntrest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Skins(UK) style AU full of angst, mature themes, and debauchery. Laura is on a self-destructive downward spiral, Carmilla is afraid of commitment, LaF is scamming freshmen with fake drugs, Perry is fighting a low GPA and a nervous breakdown, Danny is in an underground fight club, Kirsch is sleeping with a married teacher, Mattie wants to be an artist but feels obligated to pursue business, and the twins Will and JP are drifting apart because Will wants his independence and JP doesn't know how to be his own person. Not all of the gang gets along but for whatever reason they keep hanging out with each other anyway. And of course things get complicated because everyone keeps hooking up with the wrong person and secrets don’t stay secret for long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Laura

**Author's Note:**

> Title and angst inspired by the song Lost On You by LP.

Laura was pulled from a hazy dream into sharp, freezing reality as water rained down on her. She scrambled to push herself up, but her back and neck were much too sore to work properly and she only slipped and slid around in the grimy tub. Her shrieking and panicking ceased as the shower curtain was yanked aside.

“Laura?” A slightly familiar girl asked as she cut off the shower. “Are you okay? I didn’t even see you down there. I thought you left hours ago. Here, grab my hand. I’ll help you up.”

Laura stared at the silhouetted girl with her eyes half-open, having difficulty adjusting to the light. She shut them, unable to stand the brightness any longer. A pounding headache stung at the back of her eyes, she was plagued by the horrible taste of leftover booze and stale morning breath, and to top it all off she was completely drenched. Her muscles screamed and cried as the girl helped pull Laura reluctantly to her feet. She left Laura for a moment to grab a fresh towel and Laura shivered as she awkwardly stood there alone, dripping and cold. The girl returned and wrapped the towel around Laura’s shoulders.

“Here. Do you want to borrow some of my clothes? I can throw yours in the dryer.” She offered. She was cute, Laura had to admit. Pretty hair. Kind eyes. Soft skin that begged to be touched. All of the night’s events instantly came back to her, a great onslaught of drunken moans and sweaty bodies. They’d met at a bar. Laura had gone there alone. She usually went alone. She was even on a first name basis with the old bartender. She hadn’t meant to go home with anyone, and she especially hadn’t meant to stay the night at their place, or in their tub, for that matter. Laura could remember every blurry detail of their post-bar escapades, like how they’d barely made it through the door before the kissing started, and how they’d been too rushed to take their clothes off, and how the girl nearly fell off the bed when she came. Laura could remember every bit of the fun, messy encounter, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t remember the girl’s goddamn name.

“Thanks.” Laura cleared her throat, surprised to hear her voice sound so dry and raspy. “But I think I’ll just…go.”

The girl crossed her arms, bothered. Not enough to make a big deal about it, just bothered enough that she wanted Laura know. “Okay. Yeah, that’s cool.”

After drying off the best that she could manage, Laura handed the towel back to the girl and carefully stepped out of the tub. She was moving around at half-speed, but it was better than nothing. All she wanted was to be warm and comfy in her own bed. And water for her dry throat. And food for her empty stomach. On second thought, no food. Each step she took made her stomach churn.

“Thanks for last night. I had fun.” Laura said as she searched the bedroom for her shoes. She found them turned upside down near the door.

“Same.” The girl smiled as Laura struggled to keep her balance while pulling her shoes on. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m good.” Laura lied. She tried to keep her sentences short so that her toxic breath wouldn’t hit the poor girl in the face.

“We should see each other again sometime.” The girl said as she pulled her hair up into a bun and led Laura out of the bedroom. She opened the front door to the apartment and turned back to look at Laura expectantly.

“Yeah, totally.” Laura hoped she sounded convincing. She had no real intention of ever seeing this girl again. The sex had been great, but the awkwardness of the embarrassing morning after was too much to overlook.

“See you around.” The girl waved as Laura fled the apartment.

\--

Laura stared up at the ceiling from her bed. She felt drained. Exhausted. Her nap had done her no good, it had only made her crave a real night’s sleep.

“You know it’s like four in the afternoon, right?” Betty asked from across the room. She had a textbook open in her lap and a plethora of notecards fanned out around her on the bed. Betty was a straightforward person. When she had something on her mind, she said it. That was something Laura liked about her. There were never any passive-aggressive games between them, and for that they were both grateful.

“I didn’t get much sleep last night.” Laura explained groggily. Her headache had dulled, but she ached all over. She was hot beneath her pile of blankets, but too lazy to remove them.

“You didn’t even come back to the room last night.” Betty paused in her studying to send over a glance. “Again. For the third night in a row, I might add. And I’m not judging, I just wish you’d tell me all the dirty details. You must be having fun, wherever you’re going. Is it Narnia?”

“You caught me.” Laura played along. “I was out all night with Frodo and Gandalf.”

Betty looked shocked, as if Laura had said the most offensive thing in the world. “You’re joking. Right?”

Laura laughed at the incredulous look on Betty’s face. “Yes, I’m joking. You can put the pitchforks and torches away.”

Betty dramatically tossed her textbook to the side. “I can’t study anymore. I’m losing it. Do you have plans for tonight?”

“No. Why?” Laura asked cautiously. She frowned, remembering that she had yet to take a real shower yet, or eat any food, or even properly wipe off the previous night’s makeup. A lot needed to be done before she could go anywhere.

Betty lit up excitedly. “I heard from Matska—excuse me, Silas’s revered and almighty new art club president overlord dictator, that a lot of people are meeting at Jocko’s for trivia night. You can bring your friends. Those redheads. We can all walk down together. Wait. Scratch that. I have a few errands to take care of in town first. We can just meet there. Yay, nay?”

“Let me ask them.” Laura patted down the blankets in search for her phone. She’d traded in her outdated flip phone on the first day of classes, but the following weeks had not been kind to the knockoff brand replacement. The screen was cracked, and a corner of the flimsy plastic case had fallen off.

Group Message — Perry. LaF. Danny.  
4:13pm Laura: Bar tonight?  
4:14pm Perry: What time? Which bar? How late will we be out?  
4:15pm Laura: 10ish? Jocko’s. Indefinitely.  
4:15pm Danny: Let’s get dinner first  
4:16pm Laura: Make that 9ish  
4:17pm Perry: I’ll think about it.  
4:17pm Laura: Belmonde will be there  
4:17pm Perry: I’ll go.  
4:17pm Danny: lmao meet you in the quad at 9?  
4:18pm Laura: Sounds good  
4:18pm Perry: I’ll be there.  
  
8:30pm LaF: Wait what’s happening?

\--

“I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying that it’s unlikely.” Danny turned around so that she was walking backwards along the sidewalk. The streets were fairly empty for a Friday night downtown, though the occasional unfortunate stranger did face their group’s wall of forward movement.

“It’s certainly plausible, I’ll agree to that.” LaFontaine nodded. They had dressed up for the night out, going with a nice bowtie and dress shirt. They referred to the look as ‘casual dapperness’, but Laura wondered if it should’ve been named ‘trying to impress your best friend who likes someone else’. Perry, though seemingly sharp and perceptive, was utterly oblivious to LaFontaine’s feelings. Whether that made the situation more or less awkward to observe, Laura couldn’t say for sure.

“For the last time, we are not discussing religion.” Perry demanded. She held her handbag closely to her side, as if at any moment someone might jump out of an alleyway and try to snatch it from her grip.

“What about you, Laura?” Danny asked, her stride never faltering as she walked backwards in front of the other three. “Do you believe there’s a god?”

Laura shrugged. “I don’t really think about it much. Guess I’ll know when I know.”

Danny shoved her hands into the pockets of her letterman jacket. “I bet that’s something a great, ominous all-knowing deity would love to hear from its creation.”

LaFontaine added, “Indifference would probably go over better than absolute rejection.”

Danny ceased her backwards walking just in time to stop herself from walking into traffic as the group approached a crosswalk. “Sounds a little too narcissistic for my taste. I mean, come on, you create a little creature on some planet and then get pissed off when it doesn’t worship you, even though millions of other creatures do? Or you get pissed off when that creature doesn’t even give a thought to your potential existence? And you get so pissed off that you damn the creature to an eternal hell? Like how much more full of yourself can you get? Just because you create something, doesn’t mean it has to love you. It doesn’t mean it has to worship the very thought of your existence.”

There was a fire in Danny’s eyes that Laura had never seen before, but it was subtle, subdued. Like Danny was trying to douse it but her efforts only made the embers burn brighter. Laura had only known the girl for a few weeks, but she’d always seemed like an outgoing, fun-loving extrovert who hadn’t a care in the world aside from which Summer-Zeta mixer to attend or which girl in class to flirt with next. Then again, Laura was growing increasingly aware that outside appearances hardly ever mirrored the chaos within. There was no telling what kind of spark was igniting Danny’s intensity.

As they waited for the crosswalk signal, Perry changed the subject of conversation. “So who all will be at Jocko’s?”

“Betty said she heard about it from Matska Belmonde, so I assume her loyal pack of art club followers will all be there.” Laura answered.

Danny nudged Perry teasingly. “I can’t believe you still have the hots for her. Seriously, you’ve been pining after her for like two years.”

Perry turned bright red. “Who I like is my business. I don’t go around judging you for hooking up with every girl that gives you the time of day, do I?”

“Fair point.” Danny allowed as the group was finally able to cross the street.

Laura remained quiet at the others began discussing what drinks they planned on ordering. Sometimes it was hard for her to join in. Perry and LaFontaine were childhood best friends, and they’d met Danny two years ago when they’d come to Silas. It was difficult to keep up with them at times, since they knew each other so well. Before Silas, Laura never would’ve guessed that her only friends would be a senior and two juniors. In high school, social groups always seemed to revolve around age. But at Silas, no one really seemed to care how old you were. Instead of feeling like the baby of the group, she felt like the newcomer. Like she could be their equal one day, if she kept at it. If she stuck around. If she gave them a real chance.

They stopped outside of Jocko’s, all four taking a moment to admire the chaotic assortment of posters and advertisements that had been stuck to the front of the building. Half of the words were illegible from the recent rain, and Laura imagined that the letters had been carried off the pages and collected in the puddles on the sidewalk like a dirty urban alphabet soup.

“I need a drink.” Laura mumbled, more to herself than to the others.

Danny led the way into Jocko’s, with Perry, LaFontaine, and Laura quickly following.

\--

“And so I’m like, if you make a specific class a requirement for someone’s degree, don’t schedule it to only be available every other spring semester at eight in the morning. There’s a reason no one signs up for it.”

Laura was trying her hardest to pretend like she was interested in Matska “call me Mattie or don’t call me anything” Belmonde’s rant, but the three back-to-back shots of tequila she’d done at the bar had her in a bit of a haze. It was both a blessing and a curse to be a lightweight. Laura could get drunk in half the time that someone like Danny could, though it also meant that she would be the first one down and out, if it came to that—and it did always seem to come to that.

Mattie leaned against the wall and surveyed the crowd. When she spoke, Perry was the only one truly listening. “And god only knows who they’ll trick into teaching it next semester now that Vordenberg is gone. He was so full of himself, though. It was only a matter of time before his ego got him into trouble I suppose. I’m not sorry to see him go.”

Groaning, Danny turned to face Laura, Perry, LaFontaine, and Mattie. “The Zetas are headed this way.”

Laura peered around Danny’s side to see three boys approaching them. She recognized the tall one, his name was Kirsch and she’d spoken with him once before at a Summer Society party that Danny had invited her to. As for the others, the twins, she knew the one with the longer hair and beard was a friend of LaFontaine’s and went by the nickname JP, but she’d never seen the twin brother before.

“Ladies!” Kirsch greeted whilst raising his beer into the air in salute. In what was seemingly supposed to be a covert move, JP elbowed Kirsch and gestured toward LaFontaine. Kirsch caught the hint and amended his original greeting with, “And others. So, where’s the party at tonight?”

“There is no party.” Danny slid away from Kirsch’s attempt to place his arm across her shoulders.

“There’s always a party.” Kirsch grinned and pointed at Mattie. “This place is dead. I bet you know where the real fun is.”

Mattie sighed and checked her phone. “If it will make you go away, that new club on 2nd and Alvarez is doing half-priced cocktails all night.”

“Sweet.” He looked back at the twins to check on their approval. “So when do we leave?”

Mattie blinked. “You can leave. No one’s stopping you.”

Laura watched the following debate on politeness with mild intrigue. She could see why Perry was so infatuated with Mattie. She was clever, confident, attractive, and everything about her exuded success and superiority. In fact, it all a little on the intimidating side. Perry was clever and attractive on her own, but she was a bit lacking in the confidence department. You could see the difference between the two girls clear as day. Mattie stood upright, powerful and proud, while Perry stood with her hands constantly moving and fidgeting because she didn’t know what to do with them.

Laura found herself back at the bar with Danny buying her another shot of tequila. Throwing it back, Laura winced at the familiar burn. The discomfort was always worth the payoff in the end.

“You know…” Danny smiled down at her. “I never would’ve thought you’d be the type of girl who could down a straight tequila shot like it was nothing. No salt and lime? No mixer? No chaser? No problem for Laura Hollis, apparently.”

Laura shrugged, enjoying the attention that Danny paid her. “I’m no type of girl.”

Danny smiled. “Yeah, I’m starting to see that.”

Laura was thankful when the rest of their group joined them at the bar. Danny was nice, and maybe if they’d met sooner in life Laura would’ve gone for it, but things were complicated now. _She_ was complicated now. She didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with a steady relationship, and Danny would be graduating at the end of year anyway. It wouldn’t even be worth the effort.

Still, Laura couldn’t deny that Danny had a certain charm about her, nor could she deny her curiosity as to how skilled those long fingers of hers really were.

\--

The streets were emptier now and the clouds in the night sky threatened to release a dreadful downpour. The group trudged on despite the odds. Laura could hardly even remember leaving Jocko’s in search of 2nd and Alvarez. One moment they were beside the bar, the next they were back out in the cold.

Laughter erupted from the trio of boys trailing behind them, and Danny threw back a scowl in their direction.

“They’re not that bad.” LaFontaine defended as the group rounded a street corner.

Danny shook her head. “You’re joking, right? Like, okay, JP is nice, but Will and Kirsch are awful.”

LaFontaine turned to Perry for backup, who had been attempting to steal Mattie’s attention away from her phone. Perry reluctantly gave up on Mattie and joined the majority. “Danny, have you ever actually talked to Kirsch or Will? LaF is right, they’re not horrible people. Weird and obnoxious? Yes. Unbearable? At times. But they’re not the worst guys at Silas.”

“I don’t need to talk to them to know they’re misogynistic pigs who barge into other people’s plans uninvited.” Danny argued as they reached the outside of the club. Laura craned her neck to see the name of it, but the graffiti stylization was impossible to decipher.

Mattie glanced up from her phone. “Kirsch is without a doubt the most insufferable moron I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, but Will and JP are harmless.”

Danny gave her a curious look. “You don’t strike me as the type who likes to hang around Zetas.”

“JP isn’t a Zeta.” Mattie replied, distracted by an incoming text on her phone. “Look, I’ve never spent time with the twins by choice, but they’re practically family to me.”

Before Danny could say anything, Kirsch, Will, and JP caught up to them. Laura looked at the twins, then to Mattie, then back to the twins. If Mattie hadn’t mentioned her connection to them, Laura never would’ve guessed it from how they acted.

“This is it?” Will asked, clearly unimpressed. It was the first thing that Laura had ever heard him say. He sounded remarkably unlike his brother JP, who at times seemed to slip into an accent. Whether the accent was on purpose or not, Laura didn’t care enough to wonder about it.

“Dude.” Kirsch slapped Will’s chest with the back of his hand. “Outside appearances can be deceiving. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.”

Will turned to look at Mattie, skeptical. “This isn’t some kind of lesbian club, is it?”

Mattie rolled her eyes. “Relax, William. There will plenty of boys for you weirdly stare at from afar.”

Perhaps it was the copious amount of tequila that she had downed back at Jocko’s playing tricks on her mind, but Laura could’ve sworn she saw a flicker of jealously on Kirsch’s face.

“Can we go in now?” Danny asked impatiently.

As they got in line to have their IDs checked and pay, JP tapped Laura on the shoulder.

“Sorry.” He said. “But I’ve just realized I never caught your name. Mine’s JP.”

“Laura.” She answered politely.

“Have you been here before?” He asked curiously.

“No, first time.”

“First time for me as well.”

“That’s cool.” In truth, she couldn’t care less.

“So how do you know Mattie?” He asked as they moved forward in line.

“I don’t.” Laura shrugged. “I’ve never actually spoken to her.”

“Oh, you’re a friend of Danny’s then, I presume?”

“She’s my Lit TA. We met in class.” Laura explained. She leaned against the building wall to support herself. The cold night air had sobered her up a bit, unfortunately, and she was hitting her usual post-alcohol slump. She would definitely need another drink or two or four to keep herself going.

Behind them in line, Laura overheard Danny asking Mattie who she knew that was already inside.

“My sister.” Mattie held up her phone. “According to her, it’s full of people from the countryside. And apparently the entire Hayward softball team is here, too.”

Kirsch perked up like a dog who’d heard the word ‘snacks’. He turned around in line to face them. “Hayward? Is their lacrosse team here too?”

Mattie gave him an incredulous look. “How in the absolute fuck would I know?”

“It was just a question, damn.” He threw up his hands. “No need to be a bit—“

Before he could finish, Perry turned Kirsch back around by his elbow and scolded him quietly.

Needing a way to pass the time, Laura asked JP, “So are you actually related to Mattie?”

“Not by blood.” He answered. “She moved in with my family when Will and I were 13, six years ago next month if I’m not mistaken. She lived with us until she came to Silas. She’s sort of like family. At least, I like to consider her family. She’s closer to our sister Carmilla. They’re so alike, our mother likes to joke that she has two sets of twins.”

“And you all ended up at Silas?” Laura wondered aloud.

“Well, yes, you see—“ JP was cut off by the arrival of his brother. Will moved JP into a better position and used him as a shield to hide behind as he inconspicuously took a swig from a flask. He offered the small container to JP, who waved it away. Will noticed Laura watching them and offered it to her instead.

“Thanks.” She said, taking the flask. She brought it to her lips and paused. The smell alone nearly made her eyes water. “Wait. What is this?”

Will grinned. “Moonshine. Think you can handle it?”

Rather than answer, Laura took a mouthful and forced herself to swallow it. She did her best to appear unbothered, but it was difficult. She’d never experienced such an awful taste or burn in her whole life, and she doubted that anything she drank in the future would ever come close again. She could feel it traveling through her, and her stomach lurched when it hit. If death had a flavor, it was moonshine.

The awful feeling in her stomach stayed with her as they entered the nightclub.

\--

One shot. Two shot. Red shot. Blue shot. The words ran on a loop in Laura’s head, the only thing clear in a fishbowl of dazed blurriness. Laura had lost count of how many shots she’d taken. She’d accepted drinks from nearly every member of their party, but mostly from Kirsch who had challenged her and Danny to a drinking contest. Laura had escaped to the bathroom and missed out on the final round, but from the sound of Danny’s distant cheers, she gathered that the Summer beat the Zeta.

There was so much movement, so many people weaving in and out of the crowd, so many people lining the walls and observing, so many people on the dance floor. The music was loud, much louder than it needed to be. She could feel the bass rattling her ribcage.

“You look lost.” It was Will, back with his flask of liquid torture. He offered it to her and but she declined.

“How can you stand to drink that?” She asked, surprised that she didn’t sound anywhere near as drunk as she felt.

“You get used to it.” He answered.

“I doubt that.” Laura looked around. “Where is everyone?”

He pointed to different places around the club, starting with the bar. “Kirsch and Danny are fighting over there, JP and those other gingers are sitting at a table over there, as usual Mattie is nowhere to be found, and Carmilla is over there dancing.”

Carmilla? The named sounded familiar. She’d heard it before, but she couldn’t remember who’d said it or why. She looked into the dancing crowd where Will had pointed, but the colorful flashing lights made everyone look the same to her.

Excusing himself to go chase a boy, Will left Laura on her own again. She didn’t mind being alone, but standing there doing nothing wasn’t going to fly. She made her way onto the dance floor. She couldn’t dance, and she couldn’t keep a beat to save her life, but she was too warm and numb to care. She danced to her own rhythm, probably looking like a fool, but that was alright. When she was this gone, when her head felt like it was floating back and forth, when she felt free to do or say as she pleased, when her thoughts existed in the moment and the moment alone, life was good.

Suddenly, she spotted a girl so beautiful that she had to do a double-take. The girl was at the edge of the dance floor, swaying to the music with a cup in her hand. A conga line bumped into Laura, pulling her attention away for a moment, and when she looked over again the stranger was gone.

Needing some fresh air, Laura searched for the exit. The door she found sent her stumbling out into a dimly lit alleyway. Collecting herself, Laura quickly realized that she wasn’t alone. Leaning against the brick wall with a cigarette hanging from her lips was the girl she’d seen inside.

“If you were looking for the bathroom…” She paused to take a long drag. “You fucked up.”

“Did I?” Laura asked, trying to sound suave and cool. The cold air made her shiver as her foot landed in a puddle. She tried to shake it off, but lost her balance. Her hand landed flat on the wall. Steadied, she pulled back her hand only to realize that she’d planted it directly on chewed gum. The sight made her stomach churn. Before she could get a word out, the contents of her stomach emerged in a glorious projectile arc. Luckily, it was aimed nowhere near the stranger. Unluckily, it splashed in the puddle and sent a spray of dirty backwash onto Laura’s shoes.

The stranger arrived at Laura’s side and pulled back her hair with one hand, the other still holding the lit cigarette.

Laura groaned as embarrassment flooded her. She nodded and said, “I fucked up.”

“Come on.” The girl pulled Laura away from the mess. “I’ll walk you to your car and you can sleep it off.”

“I don’t have a car.” Laura mumbled as her knees wobbled. She felt herself falling and heard a grunt as strong arms caught her.

“Did you come here with anyone?” She asked. “Hey, cutie, did you come here with anyone?”

“Yeah.” Laura answered as her eyes grew too heavy to keep open.

\--

Her throat was dry. Her mouth tasted like moonshine and regret. The back of her head hurt and her bladder ached. She was groggy, drained, and undeniably still a bit too tipsy for her own good. Laughter surrounded her, and with a spark of startled adrenaline she finally found the energy to pry apart her eyes.

“Ah, and so sleeping beauty awakes at last!” Danny’s slurred voice lured Laura’s gaze to the left, where several people sat gathered in a circle. Laura glanced around and slowly realized that they were on a rooftop, and definitely still in the city. The sound of cars in the streets below drifted up to them on the wind.

Kirsch reached back and gave Laura a friendly pat on the back. “Could’ve sworn you were dead when I saw you being carried around down there. When you go hard, you go _hard_. Respect, dude.”

Laura sat up straight and rubbed her eyes. Her hands were filthy but she was too exhausted to care. “How did I get up here?”

Danny flexed her arms, despite them being covered by her letterman jacket. “I carried you up the stairs. Really though, you’re light as feather. No wonder you blacked out after drinking as much as you did.”

Perry took the opportunity to jump in. “Yes, Laura, you should really learn how to pace yourself. Drinking recklessly like that is dangerous.”

Laura tenderly rubbed the back of her head where a bump was forming. “Why does my head hurt?”

Danny sheepishly lowered her arms. “I may have accidentally bumped your head on a pole.”

Kirsch laughed. “It sounded sick though.”

It was all coming back to her now. She looked at her shoes and grimaced. The dried remnants of her humiliation were still there. She kicked them off and scooted closer to the others, formally joining the circle. It was then that she noticed who all was among them. On her left was Perry, who sat beside LaFontaine. On her right was Kirsch, who sat beside JP. On the other side, the circle was made up of Will, Mattie, Danny, and the girl from the alley. Laura wanted to say something to her, but the conversation moved on.

Perry handed a bottle of water over to Laura. “Here, drink this.”

“They sell bottles of water here?” LaFontaine asked as Laura unscrewed the cap and gulped down half of the bottle in one go.

“Of course not.” Perry patted her bag. “I brought it with me.”

“Can we get back to the game?” Danny pleaded. “I still haven’t finished my drink.”

“Who’s turn was it again?” JP asked.

“Will’s.” Kirsch answered.

“What are we playing?” Laura asked quietly, hating how out of the loop on everything she was.

“Never Have I Ever.” Perry rolled her eyes. “Such an invasive, childish game.”

Laura was familiar with the name of the game, but she’d never actually played it with anyone. “How does it work?”

Kirsch leaned down to say, “Everyone gets a turn to say something that they’ve never done. If you’ve done it, you drink.”

“How do you win?” Laura wondered.

“It’s not really about winning or losing.” He lifted his cup. “It’s about drinking. And learning cool stuff about people. I guess the loser would be whoever has the most left in their cup, and the winner would be whoever drinks the most. I’ve never played until there was a winner, just until we got bored.”

Will hummed and tapped his chin. “Never have I ever…been in love.”

Laura kept her bottle of water where it was, and watched as Danny and the girl from the alley sipped from their cups.

“Really?” Will said, sounding surprised. “I would’ve thought there’d be more than two.”

“That’s interesting.” JP replied. “You’re usually more of a pessimist than an optimist.”

Mattie shrugged. “That all depends on how you view the concept of being in love. Maybe William views it as a negative rather than as a positive.”

Will crumbled under their scrutiny. “I’m not getting into this. It’s your turn anyway.”

Mattie trailed her fingertip around the rim of her cup. “Never have I ever forgotten someone’s name after sleeping with them.”

Feeling guilty, Laura took a sip from her water and looked around. The girl from the alley, Will, and Danny were the only ones to join her.

Kirsch pointed an accusatory finger at them. “Y’all better get tested.”

Mattie nodded approvingly. “That’s probably the smartest thing you’ve ever said.”

Kirsch took it as a compliment. “Aw, dude. Thanks!”

“Carmilla, your turn.” JP announced.

And so the light bulb finally clicked on. Laura could see it now, the clear resemblance between the girl from the alley and the twins. They shared the same pale complexion, the same dark hair. She was the sister JP and Mattie had spoken of. She was Carmilla.

“Never have I ever…” She clicked her tongue. “Fucked someone who has kids.”

All cups stayed on the ground, but Kirsch raised his hand into the air. “Is that, like, more than one kid specifically, or would someone who only has one kid count for this?”

“Doesn’t matter how many kids.” Carmilla answered, almost sounding bored. Now that Laura knew to look for it, there was no mistaking the resemblance between Carmilla and Mattie’s personalities.

“Just checking.” Kirsch said before drinking from his cup.

Danny cleared her throat. “Never I have ever, hmm, uh, never have I ever broken someone’s nose. Wait. Shit. I’ve done that. Hold on. Let me think of a different one.”

\--

Laura sat on the curb with her head resting between her knees. She’d felt fine on the club roof, and fine when they’d gotten kicked off, and fine when they’d descended a million stairs, and fine as they’d walked four blocks to find somewhere cheap to eat. But the moment she had set foot inside the tiny mom-and-pop diner, as soon as that thick wall of breakfast food smell hit her, the nausea was back in full force.

“Feeling any better yet?”

Laura lifted her head just enough to see that it was Carmilla who had joined her outside.

“No.” She grumbled miserably.

Carmilla withdrew a battered cigarette carton from her jacket pocket. Realizing it was empty, she scowled, crumpled it in her fist, and let it fall to the pavement. “You look like shit, cupcake.”

“I bet.” Laura sighed. “Why aren’t you inside eating with everyone else?”

“Not hungry.” She said as she took a seat beside Laura on the curb. “Hey, if you’re going to puke, warn me. I need time to get out of the splash zone.”

Laura groaned. “Talk about something else. Anything else. Please.”

Carmilla was quiet for a moment. “I assume you go to Silas?”

“Yeah. First year.” She answered. The breeze picked up, but Laura welcomed the cool air. She could feel heat radiating off of her in waves.

“Freshman or transfer?” Carmilla asked. Her tone was hard to pinpoint. Laura hadn’t a clue as to whether or not the girl was actually interested or if she was simply passing the time.

“Freshman.” Laura took a deep breath to steady her queasiness. “You?”

“Senior.”

“I bet that’s a nice feeling. To almost be done, I mean.”

Carmilla shrugged. “It goes by fast. One day you’re moving into your first dorm room, and the next day you’re applying to graduate school.”

“What are you majoring in?” Laura asked. The more Carmilla talked, the more entranced she became over the sound of her voice. It wasn’t fair for someone so beautiful to have a voice like that.

“Philosophy.” She began unlacing and retying one of her boots as she spoke. “It seemed like the easiest choice.”

“Wait.” Laura looked up at her. “So you’re not even all that interested in philosophy but you want to go to graduate school for it?”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Do tell.”

Finished with her left boot, she moved on to the right. “Let’s just say that one day I woke up and realized that I’d been so busy trying to make a solid backup plan for myself that I never actually figured out a Plan A. I didn’t want to come to Silas, but I was never able to think of a better alternative. So here I am, living a life I never wanted to live to appease a mother who really couldn’t give less of a shit if it makes me happy or not.”

Laura rubbed her tired eyes. “Why keep going to school then?”

“Honestly? Because I don’t know what else to do.” She tapped her freshly laced boots lightly against a nearby puddle, sending out tiny ripples in all directions. “I’m still waiting to find my Plan A. What about you? What’s your major?”

“Journalism, but I might switch it to criminal justice.” Laura replied with a yawn. “I’m conflicted between being a private investigator or an investigative journalist.”

Carmilla looked her over curiously. “An investigative reporter? Is that even a real job anymore? Don’t journalists nowadays have to write clickbait articles on superficial crap like ‘top ten child stars who grew up ugly’ or ‘local woman invents new way to remove blood stains from carpet after murdering her cheating husband’?”

“That’s probably how I’ll end up.” Laura relented. “But it’s not the dream.”

“What is the dream?”

“Solving mysteries.” Laura answered.

Carmilla reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a phone as she asked, “What kind of mysteries?”

Laura shrugged. “Missing persons. Unexplainable occurrences. Urban legends. It doesn’t matter what it is. If someone needs answers, I want to be the one they call to find the truth.”

“Were you obsessed with Nancy Drew as a child?” Carmilla asked, glancing up from her phone.

“Possibly.” Laura smiled. “I may or may not have all of the Nancy Drew computer games back at my dad’s house.”

“Are the two of you close?” Carmilla asked.

Laura was quiet for a few moments, pulling Carmilla’s attention away from her phone.

Carmilla nodded understandingly and said, “New topic. Your turn to pick.”

Laura wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her forehead against her knees. “Do you ever think about how none of this matters and we’re all just moving globs of subjective emotion that live on a giant rotating space rock?”

She laughed. “You sure you don’t want to switch your major to philosophy instead?”

“That would conflict with my schedule of only having one existential crisis a day.” Laura replied. “Can’t go upsetting my routine, I’m a very fragile person.”

“Clearly.” Carmilla’s thumbs rapidly tapped against the screen of her phone as she replied to a message. She hit send and looked over. “Feel better now?”

“Not really.” Laura paused. “But you can go back inside if you want. I’ll be okay on my own.”

“I think I’ll stay out here. It’s too crowded inside.” She looked at Laura. “Unless that was you trying to get rid of me?”

“Your company is much appreciated.” Laura smiled.

They grew quiet as a group of girls close to their age approached. The group ignored the two on the curb as they walked by, talking and laughing loudly as they went.

“So you’re into girls?” Carmilla asked her once the group was a safe distance away.

“How did you know?” Laura questioned sincerely.

Carmilla smirked. “Looks like you’re not the only one who’s good at solving mysteries.”

Amused, Laura said, “It’s not like it’s hard to figure out, I just don’t usually get pegged as the lady-loving type by most strangers.”

Carmilla gestured to the diner behind them. “You showed up to a club with three queer gingers, a pansexual Zeta, and all three of my siblings. It was an easy assumption to make.”

“So all of you are gay?” Laura wondered aloud. “You, Mattie, Will, and JP? All four?”

Carmilla glanced back to ensure that they were still alone. “We joke about JP being gay, but he’s never actually said if he is or isn’t. He does hang around that one redhead a lot though. Will says there might be something going on there.”

“Are you talking about LaFontaine?” Laura asked.

Carmilla shrugged. “Sure, if that’s the one that sells shitty pills.”

“Wait. What?” Laura sat up straight and twisted around as much as she could to look inside the diner’s windows. She pointed to where LaFontaine sat. “You’re talking about that one? The one sitting in a booth next to JP? The one in the bow tie? The one building a house out of their waffles?”

Carmilla lazily glanced back over her shoulder. “Yeah, sure. The one that’s always with the uptight girl who wants to fuck Mattie.”

“Oh.” Laura faced forward again, confused. “I never would’ve seen that one coming. About LaFontaine, I mean. I think everyone kind of knows about Perry liking Mattie. But LaF just…doesn’t look like the criminal type.”

“You shouldn’t stereotype people.” Carmilla tapped her boots in the puddle again. “Drug dealers have feelings too, you know.”

“I know you’re joking, but you’re right.”

“Of course. I’m always right.”

Laura sighed as the first glimpse of the sunrise began to show. “I’m so tired. I wish I could just teleport back to my bed.”

Carmilla watched her from the corner of her eye. “Yeah, I’d like to teleport to your bed too.”

Laura laughed and shook her head. “Not with this nasty moonshine puke breath, you don’t.”

“I could always do my stretches while you freshen up.” Carmilla smirked. “Nothing kills the mood quite like pulling a muscle, you know. Stretching is important.”

“Sounds like you’re very active in bed.” Laura played along.

Carmilla winked. “Maybe someday you’ll see for yourself.”

Before Laura could say anything, the bell on the diner door rang as it swung open and their group of fellow queers piled out whilst loudly belting the lyrics to Cher’s ‘Believe’.

\--

Laura awoke to the sound of her phone vibrating violently on the wood floor of her dorm room. She scrambled out of bed in search for it, much more concerned with making the noise stop than actually answering the call. She stretched her fingers as far she could and inched the phone closer until she could firmly grasp it. Falling back into her bed, she checked to see who was calling. The name ‘Dad’ stared back at her. Laura remained frozen as she waited for the call to go to voicemail.

“You know, I’m not usually one to pry…” Betty’s voice startled Laura. She hadn’t even realized her roommate was in the room, let alone watching her. “But are you ever going to actually talk to your dad? I know it’s him calling. Every time he does, you do the same thing. Which is nothing. You do nothing. You just sit there and stare at your phone. Listen, Laura, it’s none of my business, forget I asked about it, but just know that if you ever do want to talk about it…I’m a pretty decent listener.” 

“Thanks.” Laura felt blindsided, both by the call and by Betty’s observational skills. In merely a single comment, Betty had proven that she was much more aware of Laura than Laura was aware of her. “Hey, about last night, you never showed up at Jocko’s. What happened?”

“I did show up.” Betty laughed and turned so that she was better positioned to face Laura from the seat at their shared desk. “We even talked for a minute or two before you left. You don’t remember?”

“No.” Laura admitted as she began finger-combing some of the tangles from her hair. “I drank a little too much last night, I guess.”

“I bet. You were pretty trashed when I saw you.” Betty tapped her pen rhythmically against her knee to fill the small silence that fell between them. “So. Like I was saying, when I saw you, you were at the bar. With Danny Lawrence. Our Lit TA. I know the two of you are kind of friends now, or whatever, but is that like…a thing? I mean, are you two talking?”

“It’s not a thing. We’re just friends.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Why?” Laura asked.

Betty shrugged. “No reason. Just curious.”

“I’m going to shower.” Laura announced, throwing the covers back. “If you hear a loud thud, that would be my hungover butt hitting the floor. Please, by all means, come in and rescue me.”

Betty laughed. “Consider me on standby.”

\--

Laura stood in the middle of the empty dorm room and stared at the phone on her bed. She paced the floor with her hands on her hips and her bottom lip tucked between her teeth. She wanted so badly to check the voicemail, to hear her father’s voice, to know how he was doing, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. If she listened to one, she’d have to listen to all twelve of them. And she couldn’t do that. What if he asked her to come home again? What if he begged her to? What if cried? What if his grief had finally turned into anger? What if he finally realized that it was all her fault? No, she couldn’t listen to the voicemails. If she did, if he was angry, if he blamed her, if he said the words—the words that she dreaded, the words that lingered in the back of her mind each and every night that she was forced to lie awake and remember what happened—that would be the end of everything. She wouldn’t be able ignore it any longer. The guilt would finally consume her. It would twist her into something unrecognizable. For her own sake, for her own sanity, she couldn’t allow that to happen.

The phone lit up with an incoming text, and Laura eagerly welcomed the distraction.

Group Message — Perry. LaF. Danny.  
3:03pm Danny: Birthday party. Tomorrow night. Summer Lodge. Presents not required. BYOB & BYOTP.  
3:03pm Laura: Bring your own beer and…?  
3:04pm Danny: Toilet paper. Or prepare to use the bushes when it runs out.  
3:04pm LaF: Can I BYOJP?  
3:04pm Danny: Sure  
3:04pm Laura: Count me in  
3:05pm Danny: Btw glad to see you’re alive, Laura :)  
3:06pm Laura: That has yet to be determined  
3:07pm Perry: I may have invited Mattie Belmonde. Is that okay?  
3:09pm Danny: Sure  
3:09pm LaF: You may have?  
3:10pm Perry: I was talking to her just now when I saw the invitation and I mentioned it. She might go.  
3:10pm LaF: She might go? She’ll bring the whole art department if she does.  
3:11pm Danny: Make sure she doesn’t. The Lodge has a max capacity of 50.  
3:13pm Perry: Don’t worry, I’ll message her and let her know.  
3:13pm Danny: I bet you will

\--

Laura was scrolling aimlessly around on her various social networking sites as she sat in bed when an idea struck her. She typed in the name ‘Carmilla’ and waited impatiently as the results loaded. Sure enough, the first and only result was ‘Carmilla Karnstein: student at Silas University’. Laura clicked on her profile, curious as ever. They had one mutual friend, a girl that Laura had met during her freshman orientation weekend, and that was it. Carmilla’s profile picture was in black and white, and surely taken by the practiced hands of her artsy sister Mattie. Laura was blocked from seeing the rest of the profile, but she craved to know more.

She sent a request to be Carmilla’s friend, which led her to a screen that forced her to acknowledge all of the pending friend requests she’d been ignoring over the previous weeks. She accepted the requests from Kirsch and JP, and left the rest to deal with on another day. To pass the time, Laura stalked through Kirsch and JP’s pages. Kirsch’s profile was done up like that of a typical frat boy, though he did have a surprisingly low number of friends. Even JP, who struck Laura as more of the introverted type, had a friend count that rivaled Kirsch’s.

Just as Laura was about to give up and log off, a notification signaled Carmilla’s acceptance of her friend request. She quickly clicked on Carmilla’s profile and surveyed all of the information that had been hidden to her. There wasn’t much to see, Carmilla was apparently a woman of few words while online, but Laura did discover a few interesting tidbits. 1) Carmilla Karnstein was friends with a total of 70 people on her page; 2) Carmilla Karnstein had listed three movies as being her favorites: _Pulp Fiction_ , _Clue,_ and _Nosferatu_ ; 3) Carmilla Karnstein had only one musician listed as her favorite: Joan Jett; and 4) the only post she had ever made was a quote that read: “Every fairy tale had a bloody lining. Every one had teeth and claws. – Alice Hoffman”.  

A new message notification sounded and Laura instinctively moved to check her phone before realizing that the alert had come from the website’s instant messaging feature and not from a text. Confused, she clicked on the new message.

(1)Unread from Carmilla Karnstein  
Carmilla: Hey

Laura stared at the screen, frozen in an awful mixture of newfound nerves and curiosity. Taking a deep breath, she said to hell with it and started typing.

Laura: Hey  
Laura: Thanks for last night  
Carmilla: No problem  
Laura: Now that I think about it, I never got the full story of what happened after the alley.  
Carmilla: I carried you inside and asked around to see if you belonged to anyone. The tall ginger claimed you as her friend. Then she gathered the troops and up to the roof we went.  
Laura: I guess I’m lucky it was you that I ran into outside  
Carmilla: Lucky indeed  
Laura: Do you save strangers often? Should I buy you a superhero cape to show my gratitude?  
Carmilla: I try not to make a habit out of it. And no capes are necessary.  
Laura: That’s a relief. Where would I even find a cool punk rock cape? I’d probably have to go into the depths of grunge aesthetic hell to find one.  
Carmilla: Sounds like quite the adventure. Are you sure you could handle that?  
Laura: Perhaps. I might need you to guide me.  
Carmilla: How about we just skip the imaginary stroll and get right to real fun?  
Laura: Which would be?  
Carmilla: Let’s just say it involves stretching  
Laura: You could always stretch before going on an imaginary stroll  
Carmilla: You know what I mean  
Laura: Nope. Absolutely no idea what you mean.  
Carmilla: If you say so. On another note, you ruined my perfect friend count.  
Laura: You didn’t have to add me. It could’ve stayed 69.  
Carmilla: I couldn’t resist the chance to chat with a beautiful girl  
Laura: If you’re trying to make me blush, you’re going to need better lines than that  
Carmilla: I’ll work on it. Any tips?  
Laura: I’m not the romantic type  
Carmilla: Damn. I better cancel that order of two dozen roses then.  
Laura: You can afford that many roses? Where do you work? Are they hiring?  
Carmilla: Yes. That’s a secret. And no.  
Laura: So mysterious  
Carmilla: I thought you liked mysteries?  
Laura: I do  
Carmilla: Then consider me your greatest challenge yet

Laura realized that she was smiling at the computer screen, and she forced herself to stop. Carmilla was funny and witty, but Laura knew that the girl from the alley only wanted one thing from her. And that wasn’t a bad thing—in fact, Laura was very much on board with it—but the fear that one of them might grow attached to the other sat heavy in the pit of Laura’s stomach. Then again, it was only their second real interaction with each other. She was getting far too ahead of herself. It was a little ridiculous for her to assume right out the gate that Carmilla would have no choice but to fall totally and wholly in love with her if they were to have sex one time. She chalked it up to senseless paranoia and pushed her worry out of mind.

Laura: What are you doing tonight?  
Carmilla: Working. Technically, that’s what I’m doing right now.  
Laura: You’re at work right now?  
Carmilla: Technically.  
Laura: Do you work from home or something?  
Carmilla: Your detective skills are extraordinary  
Laura: Tease all you want, but I can solve any mystery. Within reason.  
Carmilla: Are aliens real?  
Laura: Of course  
Carmilla: What about chupacabras?  
Laura: For sure  
Carmilla: Loch Ness Monster?  
Laura: Long live Nessie  
Carmilla: Yeti? Abominable Snowman? Bigfoot? Sasquatch?  
Laura: I’m sensing a theme here  
Carmilla: What about the supernatural then? Werewolves, for instance?  
Laura: Now I’m all for Bigfoot, Nessie,  and aliens but I draw the line at werewolves  
Carmilla: Interesting. And how do you feel about vampires?  
Laura: Oh definitely real. Haven’t you seen that documentary about the ones that glitter and stalk teenagers?  
Carmilla: That does a ring a bell. A sad, distant bell.  
Laura: I don’t know if supernatural creatures and cryptids really count as solvable mysteries  
Carmilla: You’re the one who said you wanted to solve urban legends  
Laura: When did I say that?  
Carmilla: Last night. Outside of the diner.  
Laura: Oh. Right. Well like I said, within reason.  
Carmilla: Vampires aren’t reasonable?  
Laura: Is this the part where you come out as a vampire?  
Carmilla: Would that increase my chances of getting you into my bed?  
Laura: Of course. Who would pass up a chance to hook up with a supernatural creature?  
Carmilla: Would you let me bite you? Hypothetically, of course.  
Laura: Yes. Hypothetical or not.  
Carmilla: I’ll keep that in mind  
Laura: For what?  
Carmilla: For the inevitable time when such information would be useful  
Laura: Who says it’s inevitable?  
Carmilla: Me, a person who wasn’t born yesterday  
Laura: How old are you? 21?  
Carmilla: Yes. And you’re 19?  
Laura: 18  
Carmilla: Now I feel old  
Laura: You cradle robbing fiend  
Carmilla: I prefer the term cougar  
Laura: Tell us one of your war stories again, grandma  
Carmilla: Back in my day  
Laura: Cool story, gram  
Carmilla: Look. I never hit a kid before but  
Laura: But what? You can’t catch me  
Carmilla: I distinctly remember catching you last night before you face-planted in your own vomit  
Laura: Oh so it’s like that then  
Carmilla: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.  
Laura: Maybe I don’t play by your rules  
Carmilla: Damn kids these days  
Laura: I know right. So unruly. So disrespectful.  
Carmilla: It’s been fun but I’ve got actual work to do now  
Laura: Got to make it back to the old folks’ home before they realize you’re missing?  
Carmilla: Precisely. See you around, Hollis.  
Laura: Have fun working. I’ll be off scouting the mountaintops for living mythical creatures.  
Carmilla: I would expect nothing less


	2. Danny

The party’s music filtered into the bathroom and filled the small space. It didn’t make sense to her, but Danny could’ve sworn that it made the air harder to breathe. Like the sound was a living gas, come to fill the void and steal the very breath from her lungs. She stared at her reflection in the mirror as the water in the sink ran at full force. She’d seen better days, it was true.

A fist pounded on the bathroom door but she ignored it. To steady herself, she shut her eyes and gripped the edge of the sink. Whatever she’d taken, whatever it was that had been handed to her and blindly swallowed down without a care, made her feel like the walls were closing in on her. It was too small as it was. She could stretch out her arms and easily touch each wall and the ceiling.

She opened her eyes and came face to face with her reflection again. Noticing that her necklace had slipped out of her shirt, she reached up and gently held the small golden cross between her fingers. She thought back to when it had been given to her on her eighteenth birthday. Her parents had been so proud of her back then. So full of love for her.

The knocking at the door continued, so Danny slipped the necklace under the collar of her shirt and shut off the faucet at the sink. When she opened the door, she was surprised to see two Zetas on the other side.

“What are you doing here?” She asked them, not bothering to hide her displeasure. Kirsch and Will stepped away from her in cautious unison.

“Happy birthday!” Kirsch said as he handed her a poorly wrapped gift.

Surprised even further, Danny took the present and tore off the newspaper wrapping. It was a bottle of cheap vodka, they had much better stuff to drink piled up in the kitchen, but it was a nice gesture all the same. Not even some of Danny’s closest friends had bothered to get her a gift.

“Thanks.” Danny crumpled the newspaper and threw it directly at Kirsch’s head. He dodged it with a smile. “But don’t think this makes up for you just showing up uninvited.”

“I was invited.” Kirsch spread his hands out in front of him as he prepared his weak defense. “Will invited me.”

Danny turned her gaze on the shorter Zeta. “I didn’t invite Will.”

“JP was invited.” Will shrugged. “We’re a package deal. You know, the whole twin thing?”

Kirsch rolled his eyes. “Bro, you only ever say that when it’s convenient for _you_. Every time JP tries you tell him to grow up.”

Will scowled and pushed past Danny into the bathroom. He shut the door harder than what was necessary, leaving Kirsch and Danny alone in the hallway with only the music from downstairs to fill the lack of conversation.

“You look hot.” Kirsch said, trying to be polite.

Danny sighed and began walking toward the stairs. There were plenty of interesting people for her to talk with down there, and she didn’t want to waste any time on teaching Kirsch that his compliments never came off the way he intended them to.

Before she could reach the stairs, one of the bedroom doors swung open and a Summer stuck her head out into the hall.

“Hey, Lawrence.” Mel called out with that unfortunate constipated look on her face. “You know the rules about non-Summers on the second floor. Deal with it or I’ll have this party shut down.”

More than anything, Danny wanted to ignore her and keep going, but she couldn’t risk it. The wrath of Mel was a dangerous thing to play with. She’d learned that the hard way when the two of them had gone head to head in the political battle of the century for Summer Society president. How Mel managed to sway those last few votes in her favor, Danny would never really know.

“Sure thing.” Danny grumbled as she passed by Mel’s room again. The reigning president smiled smugly as Danny went by.

\--

Danny found herself back in the kitchen, eyeing the mountain of liquor that sat on the counter. She was busy debating between doing another shot of Jäger or going the more sensible route and making herself a rum and Coke.

“Nice party.”

Danny was startled to see Laura Hollis suddenly at her side.

“Wow. You walk really quietly.” Danny observed as she watched Laura take a seat on the edge of the countertop. The shorter girl really had to jump to get up there, but once she was seated properly she was incredibly close to reaching eye level with Danny.

“What can I say? I’ve got those stealthy sleuthing skills.” Laura answered as she combed through the bottles in search for her next drink. “Man, when you said BYOB, people really went all out. Most BYOB parties I go to only ever have actual beer and like a knockoff two-liter of soda.”

“A lot of this is just leftovers from other parties.” Danny explained. She meant to keep going, to mention that the Summers were well-known for hosting killer parties, to say that the Lodge hadn’t been dry of alcohol in the entire four years that she’d been at Silas, but the air began to grow thin again and she found it difficult to keep her concentration on any one thing at a time.

“Are you okay?” Laura asked quietly. “You’re kind of…swaying around a lot.”

“Am I?” Danny asked breathlessly. She leaned against the counter and shut her eyes. The room had started to spin and she needed it to definitely not do that anymore. She didn’t feel sick, not to her stomach at least, but whatever she did feel was not pleasant. Her fingers shook against the countertop. Her tongue felt numb in her mouth and her skin was on fire. She could feel the golden cross resting on her chest, freezing cold against her hot skin.

“Are you going to throw up?” Laura asked, readying herself to get out of the way.

“No.” Danny assured her. “I’m fine. It’s just…I can’t remember what I took, but it’s really doing a number on me.”

“Looks like it.” Laura laughed. She had a nice laugh. And a nice smile. Danny tried to focus on that.

Truthfully, Laura was a bit of an enigma to Danny. She was small and cute and nice, but there was a darkness hiding beneath the surface. There was pain in her eyes. And Danny had more than enough of her own bullshit to deal with, she didn’t need someone else’s to sort through too. If it came down to it, if Laura ended up wanting something more than Danny did, she would have to put a stop to it. But perhaps that was merely wishful thinking. Danny hadn’t had anyone want more than a single night with her in a long time. It was a perplexing situation to be in. On the one hand, Danny almost liked the idea of having someone want a real relationship with her, but in reality, she had no real desire to have a serious relationship. Not again, anyway. She wanted to be chased, but she dreaded the thought of being caught.

“I have more options in my room, if there’s nothing here that you like.” Danny had meant it as an honest suggestion, but as the words left her mouth she knew that Laura would take it as a different kind of proposition.

“I thought we weren’t allowed on the second floor?” Laura asked with a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “Isn’t that what you literally just yelled to everyone in the other room?”

“I could make an exception.” Only half of Danny’s attention was on the conversation at hand. Much of her concentration was focused on keeping her breathing steady. She had a nagging paranoia that there was an imbalance in the amount of air she was breathing in versus the amount of air that she breathing out. Where was all that extra air going? She could feel it then, the extra air sitting at the bottom of her lungs, taking up space and growing heavy. She felt weighed down, like there were solid rocks in her chest.

“Maybe later.” Laura’s voice pulled Danny from her wayward thoughts. “I don’t want to miss out on the party too much. I think Kirsch was about to get a round of Ring Of Fire going. I’m not usually all that into drinking games but this one sounds fun.”

“Oh, cool. Save me a seat.” Danny picked up a cup at random without a clue as to whose it was. She waited until after Laura had made a vodka soda and returned to the party before making her getaway to the backyard. She slipped out of the sliding glass door as quietly as she could, hoping that no one would notice her leaving or try to follow.

With her random cup in hand, Danny walked along the steep dirt path down to the millpond. Decades ago, the Summers had built a sturdy wooden pier that sat directly across from the abandoned Silas watermill. Though the water wasn’t the clearest, and the surrounding forest made for an eerie environment, it was a nice place to sit and think. The other Summers rarely ventured down to the water alone, and the majority of Silas’s students had no idea that such a perfect swimming hole even existed on the campus grounds. In all her late nights of coming down to the millpond, Danny had never once run into anyone else.

Until now.

Sitting at the end of the pier with her feet dangling off the edge was Mattie Belmonde, one of the last people Danny would’ve ever suspected to find out on her own in the middle of nature at night. Danny made as much noise as she could to warn the other girl that she was approaching. Mattie paid little attention to the oncoming Summer, but she did offer a halfhearted nod of acknowledgement.

Danny wrapped her letterman jacket tighter around herself as she walked onto the pier. The fresh air felt nice on her skin, and breathing was a little easier out over the water. With so much open space, she didn’t feel like the world was closing in on her anymore.

“It’s incredible here.” Mattie said as Danny reached the end of the pier.

Danny took a seat beside Mattie, but made sure to sit with her legs crossed rather than hanging over the edge. With her long legs, her shoes would surely hit the water’s surface. “Yeah. It’s pretty, I guess.”

“You guess?” Mattie seemed annoyed by that. “What could be more beautiful than this? Look at the way the full moon reflects off the still water’s surface. Look at the stars above you. Have you ever seen so many stars before? And listen. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of nature. No cars, no city noise. Crickets. Birds. An owl softly hooting in the distance. And look, just over there beside the watermill, do you see it? There’s a swan drifting on the water. It looks so peaceful. Everything about this…is peaceful. How can you not see the beauty in that?”

Danny placed the cup beside her on the pier and shrugged. “Okay, Henry David Thoreau, you’re right. It’s beautiful.”

Mattie sighed. “I’m no Thoreau. And don’t go bringing up Emerson or Whitman either. I know how you English majors love to ramble on about dead poets.”

Danny shook her head, appalled that Mattie would call out the very thing she had planned to do. “As if you art majors don’t spend all day drooling over dead painters?”

Mattie was quiet for a moment. “Well, you’ve got me there. I suppose we really are just two sides of the same coin. Tell me, what is it that you love most about literature?”

Danny took her time in thinking of a good answer. “I love being taken to a different world. Or, I guess, being taken into someone else’s imagination. More than that, I love that no two people will read the same thing in the same way. We all take in the same words, the same phrases, the same lines and paragraphs, but it’s an entirely different experience for all of us, you know? We visualize the scenes differently, and the characters, and we create different meanings. I love that. And I love talking with people about that. You can’t get that with looking at a painting. You’re all looking at the same thing.”

Mattie rolled her eyes. “Not every art major is a painter. There are a dozen entirely separate majors within the art department at this university alone. Now, getting back to the point, I disagree with you. We all look at the same painting in the same way that we all look at the same words on a page. As you said, everyone sees something different. We experience all forms of art, words or visual, in our own way. I repeat: we are two sides of the same coin.”

Danny wanted to ask what branch of art Mattie had chosen, and if what she loved about looking at art was what Danny loved about reading, but she never found the words. Instead, her mind drifted back to the early days of her youth. She thought back to the first book her father ever gave her, a battered bible that had belonged to his grandmother. The edges were discolored and worn from years of use, and the smell of stale cigarettes had long ago seeped its way into the pages. Though she ever touched the thing, she still kept it in her bedside table anyway.

“What is this party for again?” Mattie asked, perturbed that Danny had gone silent on her.

“It’s my birthday.” Danny answered indifferently.

Mattie looked her up and down. “Oh. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” Danny mumbled distractedly. Her mind was elsewhere, consumed with thoughts of the past. Of her childhood. Of a time when her family was happy and she was filled to the brim with love. The heaviness in her chest returned, but this time it wasn’t from stones in her lungs.

Mattie returned her gaze to the millpond. “If I was your friend, I’d ask why you’re out here instead of enjoying your party.”

“If you were my friend…” Danny struggled to keep her mind focused. “You wouldn’t ask.”

Mattie nodded, seemingly impressed. “Maybe there’s more to you than meets the eye after all.”

\--

Danny had lost track of time long ago. How much time she’d spent down at the water, she didn’t know. How long it took her to walk back up to the Lodge, she couldn’t guess. The party was still in full swing when she returned, though. The kitchen was empty when she and Mattie entered it, but by the time Danny had placed her cup on the counter, Laura Hollis was beside her.

“Jesus Christ!” Danny jumped. “You have got to stop doing that, Laura. You’re going to kill me.”

“Sorry.” Laura said halfheartedly before gesturing to Mattie. “I see you found another party guest. Or have you been here all along? Is there a VIP section I don’t know about?”

Mattie, who had begun mixing herself a drink, smiled. “It’s very exclusive, darling.”

“Are there any more VIP guests wandering around in the woods?” Laura asked. If she was trying to be subtle, it wasn’t working. Both Danny and Mattie could see right through her.

“I don’t know where Carmilla is.” Mattie answered bluntly before quickly exiting the kitchen.

“I was just asking in general, but okay.” Laura tried to brush it off, but Danny could see the disappointment on her face.

Danny took pity on her and threw out a new conversation topic. “So how’s the drinking game going?”

“I can still think coherently so not that great.” Laura joked. “How’s your birthday going?”

“I can still think coherently so not that great.” Danny was pleased to see the response get a laugh from Laura.

“So, what were you saying earlier about having more options in your room?” Laura asked.

Danny was no fool. She knew that she was a second choice, that Mattie’s broody sister Carmilla had clearly been the one Laura had hoped to get with instead, but that was oddly a comfort. Danny wasn’t looking for a relationship, and now it was obvious that Laura wasn’t either.

“Follow me.” Danny instructed before guiding Laura through the party, up the stairs, down the hall, and into the last door on the right. Danny’s room was small, about half the size of a standard Silas dorm room, but the privacy she gained from not having a roommate more than made up for the lack of space.

“I like how you’ve decorated.” Laura commented as Danny locked the door behind them. “It’s very…sporty.”

“I’ve heard that before.” Danny admitted. She crouched down and stuck her hand under the bed, searching blindly. It took her three tries to find the right shoe box. “So what are you looking for?” Danny asked, moving to sit on the bed as she flipped open the box’s lid. “I’ve got some whiskey, a miniature bottle of gin, MDMA, a little grass…or are we talking the hard stuff? Because that’s in a different box. A very special box. One that would give my mother a heart attack.”

Laura laughed. “Are you implying that it’s your sex toy box?”

Danny unscrewed the top on the mini gin. “It might be.”

“That definitely sounds like the more fun box.” Laura said with a sly grin.

After taking a swig from the mini bottle, Danny passed it to Laura. “I have to ask…are you up here just for the drugs, or are you here…for something else too?”

Laura swallowed back a mouthful of gin before slipping out of her shoes and moving to stand between Danny’s legs. The bed was low enough to the ground that Laura had the height advantage this time around. “I’m here for whatever you’ll give me.”

Danny shrugged out of her letterman jacket and tossed it aside, never breaking eye contact Laura. “Fair warning, I’m not looking for a girlfriend.”

“We have that in common.” Laura said as she leaned down and placed a kiss on Danny’s lips. It was soft and gentle, much unlike the kind of touch that Danny was used to.

“Happy birthday to me.” Danny mumbled with a smile as she moved her lips to Laura’s neck.

\--

“Can I ask you something?” Laura questioned before passing the iridescent seahorse-shaped pipe back to Danny. In the aftermath of their hot and heavy activities, it was just the thing they needed. They’d burned through most of what Danny had, but she was fine with that. She didn’t smoke much anyway, and especially never on her own.

“Sure.” Danny sat the pipe on her nightstand and adjusted the bedsheets to cover herself better.

Laura rolled over so that she was on her stomach. The sheet hardly covered her, but she seemed unbothered by that. The room was dimly lit, only the desk lamp was on, but they could see each other fine. Laura reached over and gently trailed her fingers along the purple and yellow spots at Danny’s side. “How’d you get all these?”

Danny froze. She had forgotten about those bruises. It had been several days since her last trip to the basement of the dodgy convenience store on Pine Street, but the evidence that she’d been was clear on her body. “I’m taking a Krav Maga class.”

Laura gave her a skeptical look. “I took Krav Maga classes for two years. I never left looking like that.”

Danny sighed and stared up at the ceiling. “Okay. I got into a fight.”

“Why not just say that then?” Laura asked, intrigued.

“Let’s just say…that it’s kind of a regular thing.”

Laura was quiet for a moment. “Did you win?”

Danny smiled. “I kicked his ass.”

She looked impressed by that. “You’re fighting guys?”

“It’s done by height and weight, to keep things fair.” Danny nodded. The motion sent a tingling wave throughout her brain. Her skin hummed beneath the heat of the room. She felt content, for the first time in a long while. The walls stayed where they were supposed to, the air in her lungs flowed in and out without concern, and there was a naked girl in her bed.

“Can I ask you something else?” Laura questioned, her hand trailing up from the bruises to the golden cross that sat on Danny’s chest. “What’s the story behind this? I thought you said you didn’t believe in any gods.”

Danny covered Laura’s hand with her own. She didn’t know what to say, so for a long time she said nothing at all. Finally, she found a way to answer. “Every night when I was growing up, I was expected to get on my knees next to my bed and pray. I did that for eighteen years. And every night, for eighteen years, I prayed that God would find someone to love me.”

Laura watched her closely. “What happened when you were eighteen?”

“I got what I wished for.” Danny swallowed back the emotions that threatened to reveal how raw the subject was for her. “She became my whole world. I loved her so much that I thought I’d die without her.”

Laura’s fingers traveled back down to the bruises at Danny’s side. She trailed her fingertips around their edges. “I guess it didn’t end well.”

“I thought God had sent an angel to me.” She paused. “But I was wrong. He’d sent the devil.”

\--

When Danny returned to the party, she realized that her absence had gone fairly unnoticed. The drinking games had ended, and not a person in sight looked anything close to sober. They’d turned out the lights, choosing to dance in the glow of the static screen from the broken TV in the corner. And dance they did. From the outside it was a humorous cluster of drunken bodies bumping into one another. A part of Danny longed to be as carefree as they looked.

She took a trip to the downstairs bathroom, mostly to check on the toilet paper situation. Sure enough, the roll was empty. She paused for a moment and looked at her reflection. Her hair was still a mess, despite her lazy efforts to make it look presentable. The hazy red surrounding her blue eyes made the color pop like she’d never seen before. Well, like she’d never seen on herself before. Her ex—she who shall not be named—had a shade of blue just like the color that stared back at Danny. Impulsively, Danny’s hand balled into a fist before slamming into the mirror. Shards of glass fell into the sink and onto the floor below, followed quickly by sporadic drops of blood that dripped from the cuts on Danny’s knuckles. The shattered pieces still on the wall reflected back to her the fractured image of tears streaming down her cheeks.

\--

When Danny woke up the next morning, she couldn’t remember when the party had ended or how she’d gotten into bed. The sheets faintly smelled like someone else, and it took her several minutes to recall that Laura had been the one who'd been her bed. Danny’s knuckles were sliced up and bruised, but that didn’t shock her. She was used to waking with strange cuts and bruises on her.

She dressed herself in whatever was closest and went straight to the bathroom. After peeing for what felt like an eternity, she travelled downstairs. To her surprise, the place was spotless.

“Lawrence.” Mel greeted from the couch with a frown.

“Did you clean up?” Danny asked.

Mel scoffed. “Of course not. You’ve got your neurotic OCD friend to thank for that.”

“Perry doesn’t have OCD.” Danny paused. “At least, I don’t think she does.”

“Whatever.” Mel pointed to the downstairs bathroom. “You need to buy a new mirror. Some asshole broke the one in there.”

Danny’s right hand ached as the memory came back to her. “I’ll get one later when I go into town.”

“Good.” Mel returned her attention to the book in her hands, informally dismissing Danny.

\--

It was dark out by the time Danny found herself on Pine Street. She’d spent the afternoon alone in her room, watching videos of cats and ignoring the ongoing group text that repeatedly lit up her phone. Entering the convenience store, she avoided making eye contact with the employee behind the counter as she walked past the wall of refrigerated drinks. In the back of the store, she opened the door to the stock room. Making an immediate right, she sped down the stairs to the basement.

The space was humid and packed with bodies that circled two men in the center. The fights usually drew a crowd, but Danny had never seen anything like this.

“What’s going on?” She asked a random guy near the stairs. “Why are there so many people?”

He didn’t bother to hide his surprise at Danny’s height when he looked up from his phone. “Woah. Oh, uh, they’ve got some amateur league fighter over there. He’s gone through four guys already.”

Danny scanned the room, but her usual acquaintances that she spoke to were nowhere to be found. She weaved her way around to get a better look at the fight. As time went on, the would-be pro took down challenger after challenger. His winning streak sent the room into a frenzy. Half the crowd wanted to see him bleeding on the floor, while the other half cheered louder with each victory.

“How’s the view up there?”

Danny recognized the voice, but couldn’t place a name to it until she looked down to her right and saw Carmilla Karnstein standing beside her.

“It’s alright.” Danny answered, caught off guard. She’d never seen anyone from Silas at a fight before. “How’d you find this place?”

“I was dragged here.”

“By a friend?”

“Sure.” She shrugged.

“By a girl.” Danny said knowingly.

Carmilla glanced up at Danny. “Yeah.”

“Where’d she go?”

“Fuck if I know.” Her nose scrunched up. “It smells like shit in here.”

Danny nodded. “You get used to it.”

She raised a brow. “Come here often, do you?”

“Maybe.” Danny tried to return her attention to the fight. The would-be pro had only taken two hits so far, and his ego was starting to shine through. He danced around his new opponent with a smile.

“Ever fight?” Carmilla asked.

“Maybe.”

“Ever win?”

Danny couldn’t stop her grin. “Always.”

Carmilla sighed. “I’m too sober for this shit.”

“The store upstairs sells booze.” Danny pointed out.

“I’m not looking for booze.” Carmilla clarified.

“All I’ve got is grass.”

She laughed. “Grass? Are we in the 70s?”

Danny rolled her eyes. “That’s what my parents always called it. It stuck with me.”

Carmilla nudged Danny with her elbow and gestured toward the exit. “Shall we?”

\--

The small park had remained empty while they’d passed a joint back and forth, and it remained empty still as they talked on the damp bench. The conversation felt strange, considering that neither girl really knew much about the other.

Lighting her second cigarette in a row, Carmilla pulled a flask from the inside pocket of her leather jacket. She offered it to Danny.

“What is it with your family and flasks?” Danny asked curiously as she took the offer. Taking off the cap, she sniffed the contents and cringed. “Oh my god, this shit again?”

Carmilla chuckled. “I swiped it from Will the other night. He still thinks he lost it at the club.”

“You just up and stole your brother’s flask?” Danny questioned before forcing down a mouthful. It hit her stomach like a kick to the gut.

“You must not have siblings.” Carmilla replied, as if that was an explanation in itself.

“I’ve got two older brothers.” Danny countered. “One’s a missionary and the other is about to get a doctorate in religious studies.”

Carmilla downed two swallows of moonshine before saying, “Let me guess, you’re the big gay family disappoint?”

Danny laughed. “I’m the disappoint, but for a different cliché. The problem wasn’t that I fucked girls, it was that I fucked the preacher’s daughter.”

Carmilla looked at her in awe. “No shit?”

“I shit you not.” Danny took back the flask and suffered through a second go at it. She willed the harsh burn to eat away the memories that plagued her. Handing the over the flask, Danny said, “She was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Carmilla popped the cap back on the flask and slipped it inside her jacket before replying, “Well, we’ve got that in common I guess.”

Confused, Danny asked, “You fucked a preacher’s daughter?”

“No.” Carmilla slumped down against the bench and looked up at the cloudy night sky. “I fell for a girl that I should’ve run from.”

Danny wanted to ask more, but she knew from her own experience that prying into other people’s heartbreaks wasn’t the best idea.

Carmilla was first to speak again. “So why do you even go to that shithole? Just to fight with people?”

Danny had spent many nights pondering that very question. “I don’t know. I like it.”

“What do you like about it?”

“I like the pain.”

Suddenly remembering the lit cigarette perched between her index and middle fingers, Carmilla brought it to her lips and inhaled. As she blew smoke into the air above, she asked, “You mean you like making other people hurt or do you mean you like having yourself get hurt?”

“Both, I guess.” Danny felt uncomfortable talking about something that she’d kept private for so long. Not even Perry and LaFontaine, arguably her closest friends at Silas, knew about her weekly trips down to the basement of bloody knuckles and bruised ribs. “Sometimes the pain on the inside gets to be too much. Sometimes I just need it to be on the outside instead.”

Carmilla shook her head. “That’s a load of crap. Pain isn’t transferable. You’re just distracting emotional pain with physical pain. The shit you feel inside is still there. That’s why you keep going back. Punching people in the face is fun, but it doesn’t change anything.”

“Then how do you deal with it?” Danny asked, growing annoyed.

“Who says I deal with anything?” Carmilla countered with a scowl.

“The girl.” Danny said quietly. “The one you should’ve run from. How did you get over her?”

Carmilla dropped her cigarette to the sidewalk and stomped it out with her shoe as she stood. “Thanks for sharing, but it’s time for me to go.”

Danny laughed, which only made Carmilla angry. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Next time don’t go telling people how to deal with their problems when you’re still neck deep in your own pile of shit.”

Carmilla scoffed. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. So what, you got with the preacher’s daughter and got the cold shoulder from your family for it, big deal. Some of us have real shit to deal with.”

Danny stood. She towered over Carmilla. “I didn’t get the cold shoulder. You want to know what happened? Do you? I became the town disgrace. I’m the shame of the family. When I go home for holidays, they still can’t look me in the eye. I’m the reason people whisper about them on the street. I’m the reason they can’t set foot inside the church that three fucking generations of my family have gone to. And you know what I got in return? I got a girl who I was madly in love with. A girl I thought I would marry.” Danny’s voice cracked as she fought back tears. “I got a girl who sunk her manipulative claws into me and ruined my life. She’s the one who told her dad about us. She knew what would happen if she did. She knew that telling him would make my family suffer, that it would make me suffer. And you know why she did it? Because I refused to say that I loved her more than I loved God. In one day, she took away everything that I ever loved. Her...my family…my faith…she took everything. But you know what’s the worst part?” Danny wiped the stray tears from her face. “Do you want to hear the worst fucking part? I miss her. I miss her all the fucking time.”

Carmilla stared at Danny, unmoving and unblinking. The tension between them was unlike anything either girl had every experienced. It wasn’t sexual, nor was it filled with hatred. It was new and strange, and it seemed to fall somewhere between pity and relief.

Carmilla took a seat on the bench again and avoided eye contact with Danny as she spoke. “Mine was no preacher’s daughter, but I should’ve stayed away from her like she was. Her name was Ell, and we were in love.” She looked up at Danny. “Until she killed herself.”

\--

Group Message — LaFontaine. Laura. Perry.

1:04am Danny: Give me a recap of the 70 texts I missed  
1:05am Perry: Why not just read the messages? Laziness is unattractive.  
1:05am Danny: Suck my ass  
1:05am Perry: I must respectfully decline that invitation  
1:06am LaFontaine: Perry is studying, Laura is job hunting, and I was hanging out with JP.  
1:07am Danny: Thank you, true friend.  
1:07am Perry: I’ll ignore that.  
1:10am Laura: I think this group message is murdering my phone one text at a time  
1:10am Danny: You busy? I’m not  
1:10am LaF: Was that to Laura or to all of us? I’m busy either way.  
1:11am Laura: I’m free  
1:11am Danny: I’m at the Lodge. Anyone is welcome to come over.  
1:11am Perry: Am I the only responsible student here? Do none of you ever study?  
1:12am Danny: We just know how to balance fun and school more than you do  
1:12am Perry: I doubt that. What’s your GPA?  
1:14am Danny: Oh it’s three-point-suck-my-ass

\--

Danny sat at the end of the pier with her shoes off and her feet in the millpond. Laura’s legs hung over the edge as well, but her toes were far from the water’s surface.

“It’s nice out here at night.” Laura said as a dragonfly buzzed past them.

“I’m getting some major déjà vu right now.” Danny confessed.

Laura laughed. “I guess you’ve been here with a lot of girls then?”

“No, actually.” Danny kicked her feet slowly in the water, watching as the ripples disrupted the clear surface. “This is where I ran into Mattie Belmonde last night.”

Noticing something, Laura reached over and pulled back the sleeve on Danny’s right arm. “What did you do to your hand?”

“It’s nothing.” Danny pulled her hand away.

“Looks like it hurts.” Laura paused. “Did you get into another fight?”

“It’s not what you think.” Danny assured her. “I’m fighting anyone who doesn’t want to be fought.”

Laura ran a hand through her hair. “So…like that movie _Fight Club_?”

“Essentially. But that’s not how my hand got like this. I didn’t even fight last night. There was some asshole there hogging the floor. Some amateur league guy.”

“Why didn’t you fight him?” Laura asked as she checked her phone.

“I would’ve lost.” Danny answered flatly. “And I don’t fight to lose. But that’s not the only reason. I ran into someone. That Carmilla girl. We had an interesting chat.”

Laura’s attention was immediately back on Danny. “Carmilla? What was she doing at a fight club?”

“She was with someone, I think.” Danny shrugged. “I can’t say for sure. I never saw the girl and she never said anything else about her.”

“What did you two talk about?”

“A lot of different things.”

Laura tried again. “What did you talk about that made the conversation so interesting?”

Danny conceded. “Our last girlfriends. Apparently, they had very similar personalities.”

“Maybe you should try setting them up.” Laura suggested.

Danny looked at her hands. “Wouldn’t be able to do that even if I wanted to.”

“Why not?”

“Well.” Danny took a deep breath. “I haven’t spoken to my ex in years and I don’t plan on ever speaking to her again…and Carmilla’s ex isn’t really around anymore either.”

“Did she move or something?” Laura wondered aloud.

Danny shook her head. “Look, I don’t mean to be secretive, it just isn’t my story to tell.”

“Oh, no, I get it.” Laura waved it away. “I completely understand.”

“You’re pretty into her, huh?” Danny asked knowingly.

Laura let out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know. I barely know her. I just…I think she’s interesting.”

“That’s how it starts.” Danny drifted back to the day she first laid eyes on her ex. To their first kiss. To their first time. To the Sunday morning service that they’d whispered ‘I love you’ to each other at. “You start talking and you realize that you both have things in common, like mutual interests or maybe you’ve got the same sense of humor or maybe you luck out and get both…then before you know it…you’re so in love that you can’t imagine living a day without them.”

“That’s the part I don’t like.” Laura said as she picked up a leaf from the pier and let the wind pull it from her open palm. “I don’t want anyone to have that power over me. I think…I think that when my mom died, a part of my dad did too.”

Danny stilled her feet in the water. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Laura nodded and looked up at the moon. “We’re all sorry for something.”


	3. LaFontaine

“It’s fifty.” LaFontaine repeated for the third time. “Look, I’m being charitable here as it is. I can’t cut the price any lower.”

The freshman boy anxiously paced the hall outside LaFontaine’s dorm room. “I don’t have fifty dollars! I have forty. That’s all I have. I need it now. It’s for my girlfriend. For our anniversary. We want the night to be special.”

With a relenting sigh, LaFontaine reached into their back pocket and withdrew a small plastic bag. The colorful pills inside were meant to pass as ecstasy, which they almost always did. The inexperienced freshmen who bought from LaFontaine rarely ever knew the difference. “Here. I’ll take your forty and a promise from you that the next time we do business you pay a little extra.”

“I promise.” He said with a smile as he slammed the money into LaFontaine’s hand. He took the plastic bag of placebo drugs and left without another word. In all likelihood, LaFontaine would never see the boy again.

Shutting the door with their foot, LaFontaine crossed the room and unlocked the mini safe in the corner. By the time they were done storing the cash and counting how many sugar pills they had left, a polite knock was sounding at the door.

Opening the it once more, LaFontaine was struck speechless at the sight of their new visitor. It was Professor Vordenberg—or rather, ex-professor—who stood in the doorway. He was dressed in an old suit and tie, exactly the way he used to dress for class.

“Good morning! You are Susan LaFontaine, yes?” He asked with a polite smile.

“It’s just LaFontaine, actually.” They corrected, still a bit bewildered. “Is there something I can do for you, sir?”

“Oh, there will be no need for such formalities, dear LaFontaine.” He stepped into the room without waiting for an invitation, and only stopped to the shut the door behind himself. “This is more of a casual meeting. You see, it has come to my attention that you are a bit of an…entrepreneur. I myself have dabbled in the world of self-employment before, but until recently I have never had such an opportunity to really make a career out of it.”

LaFontaine’s heart raced as they tried to keep a cool exterior. “I’m sorry, but what are we talking about?”

He pointed his cane at the safe. “We both know what you are keeping hidden within your little locked box.” He reached into his coat pocket and took out the plastic bag of fake ecstasy that LaFontaine had just sold. “Your product is cheap. Weak. I can give you the proper resources necessary to sell something worthwhile. Something that will have customers coming back and begging for more.”

On the brink of what might very well be a heart attack, LaFontaine shook their head in disbelief. “You’re not going to turn me in?”

He dropped the bag back into his pocket. “On the contrary, I am here to propose a business arrangement.”

“What kind of arrangement?” LaFontaine’s hands shook as they tried to remain calm. Not once had they ever assumed their fake scheme would attract the attention of a legitimate drug dealer.

“Well, it’s quite simple. You need me, and I need you. I wish not to be your rival, but to be your supplier. This product you have been selling, it is embarrassing. You are aware of that fact, yes? Yes.”

“Yes. I guess.” LaFontaine nodded numbly. “So…you want to make the drugs, and then you want me to sell what you make?”

“Ah, yes.” He smiled. “My little friend, the one you’ve just met, he will deliver the product to you each and every week. You will sell what he delivers. When he arrives for the next week’s delivery, you will give him the previous week’s earnings.”

LaFontaine shook their head. “I don’t have enough business for that.”

“That is a solvable issue.”

“How?”

He shrugged. “You will find a way to sell all of the product that you are given. It is not my concern how you do it.”

“And how much would my cut be?” LaFontaine asked, a little more intrigued. “What kind of percentage am I looking at?”

Vordenberg smiled. “You will work for me on an indefinite trial period first. An internship, if you prefer.”

LaFontaine blinked. “And why would I do that?”

He chuckled to himself. “Because you have no other option. Either you do as you are told, or I will ensure not only that you are expelled from this institution, but that you are imprisoned for your crimes.”

Overcome with anxiety, LaFontaine started to laugh. “I…I’m not going to sell your drugs for free. And you can’t turn me in without turning yourself in too.”

His smile morphed into a scowl. “You misunderstand. This is not a negotiation. You will sell my product for me. You will give me the profit. If you do well, then we might discuss the topic of payment for your services. But, until that time, you will work without pay. I have many friends in many high places, my dear. You are the missing piece to my puzzle. A distributor within the walls of Silas. I need you, but do not for a moment think that you cannot be eliminated and replaced.”

“Eliminated?” LaFontaine gulped.

He shrugged again. “If prison does not frighten you, perhaps the alternative will work better.”

LaFontaine searched for a way out of the Vordenberg sized hole they’d somehow stumbled into. “But…but you can’t avoid prison if you turn me in. I’ll tell them about what you tried to do.”

“And you think that they will believe you?” He lit up as if he’d been waiting for this part to come all along. “I may not be the esteemed professor that I once was, but I am still a force to be reckoned with. Have the police search my estate, have them search it from top to bottom. They would not even find a crumb on the floor if they came. I am not as careless as you, leaving my business out in plain sight.” He gestured to the safe in the corner. “I could end your business this very instance, if I wanted to. But I don’t. I do not wish that at all. Quite the opposite, I want this arrangement to work.”

“It’s not an arrangement.” LaFontaine pointed out. “It’s blackmail.”

“Call it what you want.” He waved it away as he opened the door. “I’m afraid that I’ve overstayed my welcome.” He stepped into the hall, snapped his fingers to get someone’s attention, and moved aside as the boy from before returned. He removed the backpack from his shoulders and handed it to LaFontaine as Vordenberg said, “I expect to find this bag filled with cash when we return in one week’s time.” He smiled. “Good day, LaFontaine.”

\--

Confused and frightened, LaFontaine spent much of the afternoon walking aimlessly around the Silas campus. They had no clue what to do, but they knew something had to be done. Their instinct was to run to Perry, but they knew getting her involved in something of this magnitude could potentially destroy their very friendship. Perry had never liked LaFontaine’s side business, and the additions of Vordenberg, blackmail, and death threats to the mix might just push Perry over the edge. It was too much to even consider. Perry meant more than getting out of any scheme gone wrong ever could.

Needing to talk to someone, LaFontaine found their way back to the upperclassmen dorms and to the room shared by the Karnstein twins. The door opened after the first knock.

“What?” Will asked angrily as he opened the door. He wore only a pullover jacket and his colorful underwear, along with a pair of headphones that hung around his neck. A video game controller was still in his hand.

“Is JP home?” LaFontaine asked. Two years of hanging around JP had done little to build a real friendship between LaF and Will, but the two treated each other with a certain level of respect all the same.

“He’s out.” Will answered, getting ready to shut the door again.

“Do you know where he went?” LaFontaine adjusted the backpack on their shoulders. They knew it was foolish to carry a bag of very real and very illegal drugs around on campus, but they couldn’t risk leaving the bag unattended in their room. What little space that still remained in the safe wouldn’t hold all of Vordenberg’s product, and there was nowhere else to hide it. Anyone with a key could waltz right into the room while they were out looking for help. It was a slim chance, but a risk nonetheless.

Will paused to fix his hair in the mirror that hung on the wall near the door. “I think he’s in class or something. I don’t know. Text him.”

“Thanks.” LaFontaine was rushing down the hall before Will could even get the door closed.

\--

Text — JP

3:45pm LaF: Are you on campus?  
3:50pm JP: Yes, I’m walking to my 4:00 class.   
3:51pm LaF: I need to see you. It’s an emergency.  
3:55pm JP: I’m already in the classroom. What’s wrong?  
3:55pm LaF: I can’t say over text message.  
3:56pm JP: We can talk when I get out?  
3:56pm LaF: Thank you.

Just as LaFontaine hit send, they spotted Danny walking through the quad. In a mad dash to the Summer, LaF nearly barreled into two different people.

“Woah.” Danny laughed as they caught LaFontaine from tripping into her. “What’s up, Speed Racer?”

Breathless, LaFontaine said, “I need…your help…it’s serious…I’m in…some really…deep shit.”

Danny nodded with a grin. “Yeah, I figured. I’ve never seen you run like that before. Or, you know, at all.”

“We have to talk privately.”

“I can’t.”

“What?” LaFontaine followed Danny as she walked through the quad and toward the administration building.

“There’s a spontaneous protest starting outside the Dean’s office.” Danny explained. “People are pissed because the board cut club funding in half.”

“But why protest outside the Dean’s office for that? What does she have to do with the Silas board?” LaFontaine questioned as they walked.

“I don’t know.” Danny shrugged. “Maybe someone went to her to complain and decided to start a sit-in protest or something. Who knows. Point is, shit is going down and I’m not going to miss it.”

They walked together into the administration building, where well over a hundred students had already gathered in the lobby and halls. Two secretaries sat at the front desks with matching expressions of subtle amusement.

“Hey, check out who’s here.” Danny gestured to a girl dressed in all black. She leaned against the wall behind her and surveyed the crowd through a pair of expensive sunglasses. It was Carmilla, sister to the Karnstein twins and Mattie Belmonde. LaFontaine had only talked directly to the girl a handful of times, but JP spoke of her often.

After expending much effort to push through the crowd and make it over to Carmilla, they greeted her with brief hellos.

“Hey.” Carmilla lazily offered back.

“So what are you doing here? This doesn’t exactly seem like your type of thing.” Danny said, as if the pair of them were friends. The comment took both Carmilla and LaFontaine by surprise.

“You’re right.” Carmilla answered honestly. “I couldn’t care less about any of this.”

“So why come?” Danny asked, having to raise her voice over the chanting that had begun.

When it became clear that Carmilla wasn’t going to answer, LaFontaine asked, “Are you hear to make the Dean mad?”

Carmilla turned her head slightly, just enough so that LaFontaine knew she was staring directly at them through her sunglasses. “Why don’t you mind your own damn business?”

“Sorry.” LaFontaine grumbled.

Danny looked between them curiously. “Do you have a personal vendetta against the Dean or something?”

Carmilla crossed her arms over her chest. “Perhaps I gave you the wrong impression the other night, but we aren’t friends. You can take your prying elsewhere because I don’t have the patience for it.”

Danny rolled her eyes, but otherwise seemed unbothered. She opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by the shrill blare of the fire alarm. Before anyone could make a move, a chair from the lobby went flying through the glass window near the building’s entrance, followed quickly by an abundance of shouting and panicked running. LaFontaine grabbed on to Danny’s elbow, knowing that she was their best shot at staying safe and not getting trampled to death, and Carmilla firmly gripped the strap of Vordenberg’s bag on LaFontaine’s back. Danny led the way through the chaotic crowd as more furniture was launched through windows. The sprinklers overhead turned on, and suddenly the entire frenzy was being drenched in water.

“What do we do?” LaFontaine had to shout to be heard as the crowd carried the three of them into the quad. Looking around, they realized that every building had started evacuating onto the campus grounds. From behind, smoke began to billow from the broken windows of the administration building.

“Oh my god.” Carmilla muttered as she lifted her sunglasses to properly view the smoke. She looked torn, like a part of her wanted to run back into the burning building. LaFontaine knew the reason why, but they also knew that saying anything about the dean being Carmilla’s mother would no doubt end badly for them.

The emergency exit doors in the back of the administration building flew open, and the staff hastily spilled out onto the grass. The dean’s appearance settled Carmilla, but enraged the rest of the crowd. The students resumed their chanting and property destruction with eager enthusiasm as the dean kicked off her heels and ran in the opposite direction of the angry mob.

A pair of campus cops arrived on the scene and started flailing their Tasers around wildly to clear a path. They stood in the center of the quad, and the older one began yelling. “All students are to remain where they are! You will be searched before you are allowed to return to your dorms! If you live off campus, you are not allowed to leave before you are searched!”

Before the officer could finish his demands, the crowd returned to chaotic running as students tried to flee the threat of being searched. Fueled by fear, LaFontaine grabbed the elbows of Danny and Carmilla and pulled them out of the quad. None of the three said a word until they were safely on the outskirts of campus.

Out of breath and feeling like their muscles might give out, LaFontaine slumped down onto the steps of the Summer Lodge with shaky limbs and a racing heart.

Carmilla smirked. “I assume we’re all in possession of something we don’t want campus security finding?”

Danny pointed a thumb at the backpack on her shoulders. “I’ve got test answers.”

“Aren’t you a TA?” Carmilla questioned while putting her sunglasses back on.

Danny tried again. “Test answers that I shouldn’t have. I’d probably get expelled for cheating.”

Carmilla grew smug. She tapped her pants pocket. “I’ve got you beat. Carrying around prescription drugs that I’m not prescribed to would definitely get me expelled.”

They looked to LaFontaine in unison, neither girl expecting much of a competing claim.

“Well…” LaFontaine glanced around to check that they were alone. “I’ve got a backpack full of what appears to be ecstasy, cannabis, LSD, cocaine, and oxycodone. Oh, and there’s something powdery that has the words ‘meow meow’ written on the outside of the plastic bag. I’m not entirely sure what that one is.”

Carmilla and Danny shared a look before both busted out laughing.

Danny pointed to the bag. “I mean, it’s all fake, right? That would get you kicked out, but they wouldn’t lock you up for it, would they?”

“Yes!” LaFontaine frowned. “Yes, they would! It doesn’t matter if it’s actually real or not, if I’m selling it like it’s real, I’ll get arrested like it’s real. But that doesn’t even matter because…it’s kind of real. All of it. All of it’s the real stuff.”

Danny’s laugh faltered. “Wh-what? Since when do you sell the real stuff?”

Carmilla gave an impressed smile. “You’ve been selling fake pills this whole time?”

LaFontaine sighed. “I was given the bag this morning. And yes, everything I’ve sold has been fake. I make it myself in the chemistry labs after hours. All you have to do is say that you’re working on an independent study and show some easily forged paperwork and the janitorial crew will leave you alone. I just clean up after myself and make sure I’m gone by the time that the campus police show up to lock the building. It’s really easy, anyone could do it.”

“So why switch to real stuff?” Danny pressed. “And what were you thinking? Why would you walk around with all of that on your back? And to a protest at the administration building? Were you trying to get arrested?”

“I panicked!” LaFontaine looked down at their hands. “I didn’t know what to do with it all. I couldn’t just leave it in my room. They do random searches all the time.”

A loud boom in the distance was followed by a cloud of smoke rising into the air above the campus.

Carmilla said, “That’s coming from the main parking lot. We’d better clear out all the banned crap from our rooms before more rent-a-cop backups arrive. If they’re searching students, they’ll be searching rooms next.”

“Why are they searching us at all?” Danny wondered aloud. “It’s not like the fire was started by an explosion or a bomb.”

Carmilla shrugged. “Maybe they don’t know that. Either way, my ass isn’t sticking around for more crazy shit to happen.”

An alert notification sounded on Danny’s phone. She pulled it out and opened an email, reading aloud: “Dear students, until further notice, the Silas University campus is closed. Please evacuate the area immediately.”

“Well…where should we go?” LaFontaine asked just before their phone began blaring a ringtone mix of Cher’s ‘Believe’.

Danny laughed. “Oh my god, you didn’t change that back yet?”

LaFontaine sighed as they struggled to retrieve the phone from their pants pocket. “No, I can’t figure out what JP did to it in that diner. Unless I reset the whole device, I think I’m permanently stuck with ‘Believe’ as my ringtone. Forever.” Finally getting out the phone, they answered the call. “Hello?”

“Where are you?” Perry’s panic was evident in the shrillness of her voice. LaFontaine did their best to block out the shouting in the background of the call.

“Outside of the Summer Society Lodge. I’m with Danny and Carmilla Karnstein. Where are you?”

“I just left the library with Laura.”

“You’re with Laura?” LaFontaine asked, gaining the attention of both Danny and Carmilla. “We’ll meet you guys somewhere safe. Where should we go?”

“I don’t know. Oh my god!” Perry shrieked.

“What? What happened?” LaFontaine grew worried. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, we’re fine. It was just some Zeta throwing toilet paper in a tree.” Perry answered. “It’s a mess over here. There’s too many people running around. The campus police are grabbing students at random and searching their bags and—oh! There’s a car on fire in the faculty parking lot. It’s what, Laura? Oh, Laura’s thinks it’s the dean’s parking space. Oh and look at this, there’s some lunatic running in circles around it and…I think it’s Will Karnstein. Yes, that’s definitely Will Karnstein.”

LaFontaine looked up at Carmilla. “Apparently your brother just set the dean’s car on fire.”

Carmilla removed her sunglasses and pointed them at LaFontaine. “Tell them to film it for me.”

LaFontaine nodded, already numb to the strangeness of their day. At this point, a unicorn could emerge from the woods and it wouldn’t even matter. “Hey, Perr, Carmilla wants you to film it for her. Also, where should we go? How can they evacuate the campus like this? Half of the student body lives in the dorms. Most of us don’t have anywhere to go.”

“We can all go to my house.” Perry suggested, though with great internal struggle. “But just for tonight.”

“Would your parents really allow that?” LaFontaine asked in disbelief. Perry’s parents were the uptight authoritative type, the kind that never allowed for anything that could possibly lead to fun.

“They’re not home.” Perry lowered her voice. “They’re in Copenhagen.”

“Oh, that’s right.” LaFontaine glanced around. “I guess it is that time of year again.”

“Right.” Perry cleared her throat. “So we’ll all meet my house. I guess Laura and I will stop by our dorms and then head straight there. You should probably go empty your safe in case they do room checks while we’re gone. They don’t seem to be acting like we’ve got an immediate threat, but they’re definitely looking for something.”

“Sounds good, Perr. We’ll get our stuff and then head that way.” LaFontaine waited to hear Perry say goodbye, but was met with only the dial tone.

\--

If someone had told LaFontaine when they’d woken up that by dinnertime they’d be sitting on a couch in Perry’s parents’ house watching a phone recorded video of Will Karnstein running around the dean’s burning car whilst sitting with Perry, Danny, Laura, Carmilla Karnstein, and a backpack full of illegal drugs that could easily have them arrested, expelled, disowned, and imprisoned, they would have thought such an oddly specific scenario to be impossible.

“You should have turned the phone to the side.” Carmilla commented as Laura replayed the video for the third time.

Laura paused the video just as Will removed his jacket and began whipping it around his head in the air. “Sorry, I guess I was a little too distracted by all of the rioting and smoke and burning buildings to properly film your brother committing arson.”

Perry shook her head. “Why would he even do that?”

Carmilla glanced down to her phone. “You can ask him yourself in a moment. Mattie just texted that they’re here.”

Perry’s eyes grew wide. “What?”

Carmilla lazily gestured to the front door just as someone began to knock on it.

With an angry huff, Perry stood and walked around the couch and over to the door. She opened it reveal the twins, Mattie, and Kirsch standing on the other side. Each of them carried grocery bags amongst their other various belongings.

Mattie entered with strut in her step. “Can someone please point me in the direction of the hard liquor? If I have to listen to these three talk for even one more second, I will lose my goddamn mind.”

\--

It was only a matter of time before word got out about the gathering at Perry’s house. The uninvited guests began arriving slowly at first, one by one, but by the second hour the first keg had been delivered along with half the Zetas and even a few Summers. By the third hour, the house was in full party swing. Silas students were in every corner of the downstairs area, including outside in the heated pool, and Perry was stationed at the foot of the stairs to fend off any wayward pair that wanted to venture upstairs.

At some point after Perry’s attempt to lay down a few ground rules that would undoubtedly be ignored and Kirsch’s discovery of the family board game cupboard, more specifically the game of Twister, LaFontaine made a trip to the bathroom. And at some point during the few brief minutes that LaFontaine was absent from the impromptu party, Vordenberg’s backpack had been emptied of its contents.

“I don’t understand.” LaFontaine said as they held the empty bag in their hands.

Danny emerged from the kitchen with a drink in hand. “Uh, hey, LaF, I think some of the Zetas may have found some of your stash.”

LaFontaine opened the bag wider and deadpanned, “What makes you think that?”

Danny threw up her free hand in mock surrender. “Woah, okay, don’t shoot the messenger, but they’re in the kitchen doing lines off Will’s butt. It’s kind of cute, actually. I mean his butt, not the other part.”

LaFontaine let the bag fall from their hands. It landed on the floor with a sad thump. “I’m dead.”

Danny shrugged. “Just charge them for it later. Keep a running tab going or something. Hit them with the bill after the fact. Hey, use your phone to take pictures of them doing it, that way they can’t deny it later.”

“Or so I can blackmail them into paying.” LaFontaine mumbled.

“Yeah.” Danny answered distractedly as she pulled out her phone and began scrolling. “Or that, I guess.”

\--

Flying high on drugs that may or may not have come from Vordenberg’s bag, LaFontaine walked the upstairs halls with their phone full of blackmail material safely tucked away in their pants pocket. They’d asked Perry if they could escape the party for some peace and quiet, and thankfully Perry had let them pass. There was a bit of a clumsy stumble in their step, and they’re eyes were only half open as they walked. Knowing full well that Perry hated when anyone was in her room without her, LaFontaine slipped inside the last door on the right anyway. They walked around the familiar room, smiling as pleasant childhood memories came back to them.

When they were five and on their first play date, Perry and LaFontaine had colored on the walls with permanent markers. Though many years had passed since their spree of youthful creativity, the outlines were still faintly visible on the wall. When they were seven, Perry had been given a puppy. She only had the dog for a week before they realized she was allergic, but the scratch marks it left on the wooden floor were still there. She’d called it ‘puppy’ for three days while she waited until LaFontaine could come over and help her name it. Together, they’d named it Poodle; it was a Labrador. When they were ten, they watched their first mature rated movie on the old box television that still sat on her dresser. They’d snuck the VHS tape of John Carpenter’s _Halloween_ up to Perry’s bedroom and watched it with the volume on mute. They made up their own whispered dialogue and created enough inside jokes to last a lifetime. When they were fourteen, LaFontaine dropped a jar of glitter that the two of them had been using for a science project. Even to this day, specs of glitter could still be found deep within the rug under the bed. When Perry was seventeen and LaFontaine had yet to have their birthday, they sat on Perry’s bed and swore to each other that they’d be best friends forever, no matter what. By the time LaFontaine had turned seventeen, they’d had their first huge fight. They didn’t speak to each other for a week. When they finally did speak, they couldn’t even remember what they’d been fighting over.

The sound of approaching footsteps pulled LaFontaine out of memory lane and back into reality. Thinking that it must be Perry, LaFontaine ducked into the closet and slid the door shut. They peered out through the slits in the door and held their breath. Perry’s night was going bad enough, she didn’t need to walk in and find LaFontaine invading her personal space without asking. But to LaFontaine’s surprise, it wasn’t Perry who entered the bedroom, it was Laura. A moment later, a second person walked inside. LaFontaine couldn’t quite see who it was, but the moment they spoke LaFontaine knew exactly who the voice belonged to.

“Whose room is this?” Carmilla asked before shutting the door behind them.

“Perry’s, I think.” Laura said as she walked over to the desk and picked up a framed picture. “Yeah, definitely Perry. I wonder who this girl is in the picture with her. Does Perry have a sister?”

Carmilla shrugged out of her jacket and tossed it to the bed. “How the fuck should I know?”

Laura rolled her eyes. “I was thinking out loud. You don’t always have to play the sarcastic asshole, you know.”

“But you like it.” Carmilla smirked. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have dragged me up here.”

Ignoring Carmilla, Laura said, “I can’t believe Perry let us come upstairs.”

“She was distracted by the Zetas playing catch with a fancy vase.” Carmilla reminded her.

“Oh yeah.” Laura nodded, placing the picture frame back on the desk.

Carmilla sat down at the edge of Perry’s bed. “So when can we stop pretending that we came up here to look at pictures?”

A grin pulled at the corner of Laura’s lips as she moved to straddle Carmilla. “Whenever you want.”

Realizing what was about to happen a mere six feet away, LaFontaine tried to call out and say something, to make any noise at all, but their ability to move had left them. With their head leaning against the closet door, they tried again to make their presence known, but again no sounds were made. Their tongue was numb and useless, and their eyes fell shut on their own. They tried to pry their eyelids apart, but it was hopeless.

“Before this gets too far…” Laura’s voice stirred LaFontaine from the glimpse of a nap they’d taken. “I just want you to know that I’m not looking for a girlfriend.”

“Hmm.” Carmilla’s hum was met with a moan from Laura. “Is that your idea of dirty talk?”

“Just wanted to warn you.” Laura clarified.

“Consider it known and reciprocated.” Carmilla said just before the kissing sounds began.

LaFontaine tried for final time to make a noise, to warn them that someone else was in the room, but their body betrayed them yet again. Rather than fight the sleep that threatened to take them, LaFontaine decided it would be better to take the nap than to listen to two of their friends go at it on Perry’s bed. It felt like they had only been asleep for a moment when their phone began loudly playing Cher’s ‘Believe’. The closet door swung open and, without its support, LaFontaine’s upper body fell to the floor.

\--

When LaFontaine opened their eyes, it took several minutes of watching Perry tirelessly try to pull Mattie Belmonde into a flirtatious conversation before LaF realized they were downstairs again. A body sat down next to them on the couch unexpectedly.

“Are you feeling alright?” JP asked with genuine concern. That was something LaFontaine always loved about JP. He was kind and considerate. He always put others before himself, even if no one ever really deserved that kind of selfless treatment.

“Yeah. What happened?” LaFontaine asked.

He pointed to the where Carmilla and Laura stood in the corner, quietly talking to one another. “My sister and your friend Laura found you passed out and snoring upstairs in Perry’s closet. That’s an odd place to take a nap, even for you.”

“I didn’t mean to nap. I was trying to hide from Perry. I thought it was her coming into the room, not them.” LaFontaine explained drowsily. They still weren’t fully awake yet, it seemed.

“She was rather upset that the three of you had been in her room.” JP continued. “But Mattie calmed her down. It didn’t take much effort on her part, but a little effort from Mattie is a big deal if you think about it.”

“Do you think Mattie even cares about Perry?” LaFontaine asked quietly. The music was loud enough to cover their conversation, but they didn’t want to risk anyone else overhearing.

JP looked over to where Mattie and Perry sat. Mattie was telling a funny story, and Perry was utterly enthralled. “There’s no doubting that Mattie enjoys the attention, but I can’t really say much more than that.”

“It’s pathetic.” LaFontaine muttered. They didn’t often feel mean-spirited, but the day had been long and their apathy had mutated into something far worse. “Chasing after someone who will never treat you right…who will never love you the way that you deserve to be loved. I wish she could see that. I wish she could see how much she’s worth.”

JP cleared his throat, uncomfortable. “Well…I hate to point this out…but is that not exactly what you’re doing now? Pining after someone who doesn’t feel that same way about you?”

LaFontaine shrugged. “I don’t know anything anymore, Jeep.”

He unlocked the screen of his phone and showed the text message that LaFontaine had sent him earlier in the day. “What was this about? What was the emergency?”

“Oh yeah.” LaFontaine had nearly forgotten about the backpack debacle. “Professor Vordenberg showed up at my room, gave me a backpack full of drugs worth…I don’t know, roughly a thousand dollars? Anyway, he gave me the bag and said I had to sell everything for him, for free, by next week or he’ll get me expelled and arrested. I suspect he has evidence of me selling the sugar pills or something like that. He’s very confident that he would go unscathed if I was caught.”

JP nodded thoughtfully. “The only way to beat blackmail is with more blackmail. Just ask Will to go do something nefarious where Vordenberg is concerned and you’ll have your counter material in no time. He might not do it out of the kindness of his heart, but I’m sure we can work out some sort of deal with him.”

“That’s a good plan.” LaFontaine mumbled. Their eyes were back on the exchange between Mattie and Perry. Jealousy boiled in the pit of LaFontaine’s stomach as Mattie reached over and placed her hand on Perry’s on the couch. It too much to watch. LaFontaine had to avert their eyes, but the image seemed to be permanently burned into their mind. They needed a distraction, they needed to not see Perry and Mattie. They needed to feel something other than spiteful jealousy.

“Hey, Jeep, is anyone watching the stairs?”

“No, I don’t think so.” He craned his neck to see. “There’s just some ribbon and a sign.”

“Let’s go upstairs.” LaFontaine suggested.

JP gave her a curious look. “And do what?”

LaFontaine forced a smile. “The only thing that people do when they go upstairs at a party.”

It took JP a moment, but when he finally understood his cheeks flushed bright red. “Oh! You want to, uh…with me? I mean, I’m not opposed to the idea…I just…I never really thought it would happen.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” LaFontaine stood, immediately feeling dizzy as they moved. They felt numb. Numb to the world, and numb to reality. It was like they were floating through existence, hardly even interacting with it.

“I do want to.” JP nodded enthusiastically. “But I don’t have…well, uh, I don’t have any, um, protection.”

LaFontaine looked around the room. They spotted Kirsch holding Will’s legs as he did a keg stand in the kitchen. “I’ll take care of that. Meet me in the guest bedroom, second door on the left.”

\--

LaFontaine sat at the dining room table with a splitting headache and a dark cloud looming over their head. The sunrise had started to show through the windows, and the light illuminated the mess within. Half the party had left, and the other half was fast asleep in various locations. Cups and food covered the floor. Laura and Carmilla were still awake, and still in the corner talking and giggling. Perry was up in her bedroom, presumably with the company of Mattie Belmonde though LaFontaine had no real way of knowing that. Danny was asleep on the couch, her head in the lap of a passed out foreign exchange student who spoke little English.

“Morning.” Kirsch greeted with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He sat down across from LaFontaine at the table. His shirt was inside out, lipstick was smeared on his neck, and he wore a silly hat that looked as if it had been won as a prize from a cheap carnival booth. “How was your night?”

“Eventful.” LaFontaine answered.

“So you…” He made a crude motion with his hands to suggest penetration.

“Yeah.” LaFontaine wanted to roll their eyes but couldn’t find the energy to do it.

“How was it?” He asked, his face lighting up with interest.

“It was alright.” They replied. “I mean, I’m not sorry that it happened…I’m just sorry that it happened here. Does that make sense?”

“Totally.” He nodded. “I once hooked up with this chick that—“

“Kirsch.” They interrupted. “Don’t say chick.”

“Oh, sorry.” He pressed on. “So I was hooking up with this girl that I really liked but she wanted to do it in my parents bed. Like…what? How does that turn someone on? All it did was make me think of my parents! I liked her, and I liked doing it with her, but I hated doing it where we did it.”

“I’m glad someone can understand.” LaFontaine was tired, but they knew trying to sleep would be futile. Too much weighed heavy on their mind.

“Oh yeah, dude, totally.” He nodded and glanced around. “Hey, where is JP anyway? And Will?”

“They went home.” LaFontaine explained. “About an hour ago. Their mom called.”

His smile dropped. “Oh shit. Did she find out Will is the one who set her car on fire?”

“I hope not.” LaFontaine shrugged. “But who knows. It’s possible.”

“That would suck.” Kirsch agreed. “So…like…are you and JP…”

“No.” They were a little embarrassed at how quickly they answered. “JP is great and he’s an amazing friend and if I’m being overly open he’s not bad in bed either…but he’s my friend. I doubt it will ever happen again. We both seemed pretty, I don’t know, indifferent about the whole thing?”

“Right.” Kirsch said understandingly. “Been there. Sometimes it just doesn’t click, dude. It’s no one’s fault. I’m sure out little Jeepers Creepers will be cool with it.”

LaFontaine laughed. “Jeepers Creepers? Have you said that one to his face before? Did he hate you for it?”

Kirsch grinned. “Oh yeah. Big time.”

\--

Sitting by the pool with their feet soaking in the water, LaFontaine was enjoying the sun when Perry arrived. She sat down next to LaFontaine and dipped her feet into the freezing pool without a complaint.

“JP told me about the backpack. He said he retrieved as much of what was stolen as he could, but it’s still probably only half of what you showed up with.” Perry said evenly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

LaFontaine shrugged. “I never found the time.”

“You could’ve said something as soon as it happened.” Perry pointed out. “JP said you texted him before all of the rioting even started.”

“I didn’t want to bother you with it.” LaFontaine explained while avoiding eye contact. “If I got caught, I didn’t want you to go down with me. You work so hard…I would never forgive myself if my mistakes and stupidity ruined your life too.”

“You aren’t stupid.” Perry allowed her anger to show. “And I would’ve helped you. I _could_ have helped you. I don’t know how, but we would’ve figured it out together.”

LaFontaine nodded. “Like I said, I’m stupid and I make a lot of mistakes. You know that.”

Frustrated, Perry reached down and splashed the pool water onto LaFontaine.

“Hey!” They shouted. “What was that for?”

“For being stupid!” Perry exclaimed. “I told you years ago not to scam people. I told you that was bad karma! I told you that there are better ways to pay for your tuition. Loans, a real job, applying for more grants and scholarships…there are so many better ways to pay for school than to sell people fake drugs. But no, you wouldn’t listen to me, and for that, yes, you were stupid.” She paused. “And why would you have sex with JP? And in my house? What were you thinking?”

Crushing under the weight of Perry’s stare, LaFontaine’s anxiety reached a new height. “I’m sorry, okay? I was acting impulsively. I don’t even know why I did it. I didn’t want to…I mean, I did, but I didn’t have the intention of coming here and doing it. But I saw…I just got upset and I wanted a distraction.”

They wanted to add that they were jealous, that they did it to get Perry’s attention, but they knew saying such things aloud would be the ultimate show of stupidity.

Perry grew quiet. “Do you love him?”

“Not like that.” LaFontaine assured her. “I don’t think it will ever happen again.”

Perry hesitated. “LaF, if you’re ever in trouble again…just come to me with it, okay? We’re best friends. Helping each other get out of trouble is what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. Remember that time when we colored on my bedroom walls and you took the blame even though it was my idea?”

“I could never forget.” LaFontaine smiled at the memory.

“Exactly.” Perry nudged LaFontaine with her elbow. “Because that’s what friends do for each other.”

LaFontaine looked up at Perry. Just as they were about to confess something that had been eating away at them for a lifetime, a yodel split through the air and was followed closely by the splash of Kirsch jumping into the pool. The resulting splash completely drenched LaFontaine and Perry, but they laughed. In fact, the two friends laughed harder than they’d laughed in years.


	4. Kirsch

Test Message — Willy  
8:30am Kirsch: Everything good? You didn’t say bye last night.  
8:33am Will: Yea. Didn’t want to make a big scene about leaving.   
8:34am Kirsch: Is your mom pissed?  
8:45am Will: Yea but not at me. She doesn’t know who lit up her car.  
8:45am Kirsch: Why didn’t your sisters go with you?  
8:46am Will: They didn’t want to? Idk  
8:49am Kirsch: We should do that camping trip tonight. While everyone is free.  
8:50am Will: Cool. You plan it and I’ll show up. I’m going back to bed.  
8:53am Kirsch: I haven’t even been to bed yet.

\--

Text Message — Lady Red  
8:31am Kirsch: Everything good? Haven’t heard from you in a while.  
9:00am Lady Red: I had to lay low. Chris was suspicious again.  
9:01am Kirsch: Oh that sucks  
9:01am LR: Come by my office before lunch.  
9:02am Kirsch: But campus is closed?  
9:03am LR: No one will stop you. They found out that the fire yesterday was started by a student smoking pot in the bathroom. Apparently he encouraged a riot to avoid getting caught.  
9:03am Kirsch: I can be there in 20

\--

Kirsch knocked hesitantly on the door to Professor Klaus’s office. He didn’t like sneaking around as it was, but the lack of sleep, the budding hangover, and the added pressure of being the only student on campus made him especially paranoid.

“Come in.” Hearing her voice calmed him a bit, but the calm didn’t last long. Upon entering the small office, the first thing that caught Kirsch’s eye was the new framed photo of Klaus’s husband sitting on her desk.

“Hey.” He smiled as pleasantly as he could manage.

“Sit.” She instructed, as if he were just another student. Truthfully, he hadn’t been just another student to Professor Klaus in quite some time.

“It’s spooky walking around with no one here.” Kirsch noted as he sat in the stiff chair in front of Klaus’s desk.

She leaned back in her own chair with a grim look on her face. “I’ve asked you to come in for a reason, Wilson.”

“Oh yeah? What’s up?” His stomach dropped. Kirsch knew he wasn’t the smartest guy around, but he certainly wasn’t the dumbest either.

“Chris and I had a long talk last night.” She said. Her intimidating stare was aimed directly at Kirsch, not wanting to miss a moment of his inevitable agony. “We’ve decided to go to couples counseling. We want to save our marriage. It’s what we both want.”

“Oh.” Kirsch tried to keep up a solid poker face, but he’d never been much good at hiding his emotions.

“This…” She gestured between them. “Has to end. Immediately.”

“Oh.” Kirsch repeated. He wanted to say more, but words failed him. He wanted to ask if all the late night phone calls had meant anything to her, if the secrets they’d shared had meant anything at all, if the countless times they’d swiped her desk clean and ripped each other’s clothes off meant nothing.

“You had to know this would be how we ended.” Klaus said with a small smile. “You and I, we were never going to be anything more than a tussle in the sheets every now and again.”

“Yeah.” Kirsch nodded. He could feel himself starting to sweat, a clear sign to anyone who knew him well that he was lying. “You’re right. I knew.”

“Are you okay?” She asked.

He kept nodding his head, not sure what else to do. “I guess I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast. This, like, totally blows, you know?”

“I’m sorry, Wilson, I really am.” She checked the time on her watch. “We had fun, but we knew it couldn’t last forever. And I’m afraid our time is running short. There’s a mandatory staff meeting that I need to get to.”

“Yeah. Sure.” He forced his head to stop nodding.

“I have to ask…” The uncertainty in her tone gave Kirsch more hope than it should have. “Could you delete my number from your phone? I want this to be a clean break. Surely you can understand that?”

“Yeah.” He found himself nodding again. “No problem.”

\--

Group Text — Willy. Jeepers. LaFondue. Peary.  
9:54am Kirsch: Camping. Tonight. Spread the word. I’ve got a tent and I’m borrowing 3 more.  
9:55am Jeepers: Will is still asleep. Should I tell Mattie and Carmilla?  
9:55am LaFondue: I’ll tell Danny and Laura  
9:56am Kirsch: Yes to all of those peeps  
9:56am Peary: If it means no one will try to show up at my house, I’m in.  
9:57am Kirsch: Tell everyone to meet at 1pm near Caltona  
9:57am Kirsch: And tell them to bring booze

\--

With precise accuracy, Kirsch carefully aimed the pebble in his hand at the head walking in front of him. He launched it and smiled victoriously as it thumped against the target. Will whirled around on the heels of his hiking boots and jammed an accusatory finger into Kirsch’s chest.

“Better watch yourself.” Will warned with a devilish grin. “I might have to teach you a few manners if you keep this up.”

Oblivious to the sexual undertones, JP said, “Please do. I don’t know how many more rocks to the back of my head I can take.”

“Cheer up, Jeep.” LaFontaine urged as the rest of the group caught up to them on the trail. “We’re almost to the campsite.”

“Remind me…” Perry paused to swipe away a flying insect. “Why did we think that it would be a good idea to go camping again?”

From the back between Carmilla and Danny, Laura answered, “Because the school is still closed and you wouldn’t let us stay at your place again.”

Perry let out an overly dramatic sigh as the group continued walking along the trail. “It took me four hours to clean up last night’s mess, and you’re lucky nothing of importance was damaged. I’m not doing that ever again.”

“It was a nice party.” Mattie said to her. Kirsch glanced over his shoulder to watch the exchange. “I enjoyed it.”

“Oh.” Perry blushed. “That’s good. I’m glad you had fun.”

Facing forward again, Kirsch resisted the urge to shake his head in disapproval. It was obvious to everyone, including him, that Mattie fed off of Perry’s undying admiration like a leech.

“This is it?” Will asked as they entered a small clearing. A place for the fire had already been made in the center of camp, likely still left over from its last visitors.

“Yep.” Kirsch smiled. The place was exactly as he remembered it. His parents used to bring him there once a year when he was growing up. It was their favorite spot, close to the lake but not too far from the main road back to town. It was a place full of happy childhood memories, of the good times that he had clung to during the nasty divorce and remarriages and addition of half-siblings to the family.

Setting up camp was difficult considering Kirsch was the only one of them who even knew how to properly set up a tent. Carmilla flat out refused to participate, and the rest of the group were much too busy arguing to be of much help. But that was alright. Kirsch found it quicker to work alone than to try instructing someone else as he went.

Once the tents were up, the process of choosing who would sleep where began.

“I want that one.” Carmilla pointed with her boot at the tent farthest away from the others. “I like my privacy.”

Eager, but careful not to show just how eager she really was, Laura said, “I’ll take one for the team and share with her.”

Despite the cloudy day, Carmilla pulled out a pair of sunglasses from the pocket of her flannel shirt and placed them over her eyes just so that she could then lower them enough to peer over the top at Laura. “How selfless of you.” She smirked before pushing the shades back into proper place.

“Perry and I can take this big one with Danny.” LaFontaine suggested while gesturing to the large tent nearest the ugly cement block of a public restroom.

“Sounds good to me.” Danny agreed. She’d already thrown her bags into that tent anyway.

Mattie stretched out her hand and gripped JP’s shoulder possessively. “I’ll share with JP. He’s the only one of you left that has half a brain.”

Kirsch and Will looked to each other, partly insulted but mostly pleased that they’d ended up as tent partners. Kirsch smiled as all the possibilities of what could happen came to him. “Perfect.”

\--

It was late into the afternoon by the time they all walked down to the lake. Carmilla and Mattie sunbathed on their towels on the dock, Will and JP took off on a race to see who could swim to the buoy at the center of the lake first, and LaFontaine and Perry rolled up the legs of their pants and walked around the shallows looking for interesting creatures, leaving Danny, Kirsch, and Laura to swim on their own.

“So…” Danny turned to Laura once they were a good distance from the dock. “I heard through the grapevine that you and Carmilla snuck up to Perry’s room last night.”

Kirsch looked between the two girls as he kept himself afloat. As much as he hated himself for it, he was a sucker for gossip.

Laura dunked her head under the water and pulled back her wet hair before replying. “We did. But nothing really happened. That’s when we found LaFontaine passed out in the closet.”

“We’ve all been there in one way or another.” Danny mused. “Can’t really blame LaF.”

“I don’t blame them.” Laura looked back to where Carmilla and Mattie were chatting on the dock. “Maybe it was for the best.”

Kirsch waded over closer to the girls. “She knows that you like her, if that helps. Will said that JP said that Mattie said that Carmilla knows you’re totally into her and she’s into you too.”

Danny laughed. “Well, there you go, Laura. It’s settled. You heard it straight from the source.”

“She better know I’m into her with all this effort she’s making me put in.” Laura bit her lip as she thought quietly to herself for a moment. “And I don’t mean that like I want a relationship with her, because I don’t. I don’t want that at all.”

“But you still want to…” Kirsch made a scissoring motion with his hands that earned him laughs from the two girls.

“Something like that.” Laura answered.

Danny reached over and pulled a leaf from Kirsch’s hair. It was the biggest show of kindest that she had ever offered him. Flicking the leaf away, she turned her attention back to Laura as if nothing had even happened.

“Bet you’re excited to share a tent with her.” Danny grinned knowingly.

“I might be.” Laura positioned herself so that she was floating on her back at the surface. Both Kirsch and Danny took the opportunity to shamelessly admire Laura’s physique, though Kirsch quickly grew distracted by a school of little fish near his feet.

\--

Much later in the evening, they sat circled around the fire pit with their drinks in hand and their bellies full of roasted hotdogs. They’d spent the previous hour maintaining an unusual level of peace and civility, but, as Kirsch had learned once again that very morning, all good things must come to an end.

“Shut the fuck up!” Danny shouted across the campfire.

Will grinned in response. Though Kirsch could never really see the appeal in purposefully making someone angry, upsetting others was a particular talent of Will’s.

“Hey.” JP nervously interrupted the argument. “Why don’t we try telling ghost stories or something?”

Danny turned her glare on JP. “You can take your ghost stories and shove them right up your—“

“ _Danny_!” LaFontaine snapped.

Kirsch chugged the remainer of his beer before saying, “Maybe a change of topic is a good idea. Let’s play a game!”

“Must we?” Mattie mumbled loud enough for everyone to hear. She and Carmilla shared a look that caused both of the sisters to grin at each other.

Kirsch pressed on. “Come on, it’ll be fun. How about Truth or Dare, huh? Can’t go wrong with a classic like that.”

“No, absolutely not.” Perry put her foot down.

“Okay.” Kirsch desperately tried to find a game that would keep the party going. “Let’s play Secret Guesser!” The others looked around to see if anyone was familiar with the game, but no one was. “It’s simple. All you have to do is write down someone else’s secret, and I mean like someone who is actually here playing the game, and then we put all the secrets in a hat or whatever and pass it around and then one by one we try to guess whose secret it is _or_ who wrote the secret down. If you read the secret and guess wrong, you take a shot. If you guess right about either the secret writer or the secret holder, the person who wrote it _and_ the person whose secret it is both take a shot no matter which one of them you picked.”

“Wait.” Perry stopped him. “But how will everyone know which person was the one who wrote the secret and which person the secret belonged to?”

Kirsch smiled, glad to have found something that caught the group’s interest. “Dude, that’s the fun part! You don’t know. So, for example, if I wrote down ‘I get off to retro porn everyday’ and that was Will’s secret that I knew, you could read that secret and guess it was me and even I’m not into retro porn, I’m the one who wrote down that someone else is into retro porn, so then Will and I would both have to drink and we wouldn’t say which of us actually digs retro porn. Make sense?”

“No.” Half the circle grumbled in response.

“You’ll learn as we go.” Kirsch reassured them, eager to get the game going. “Mattie, you’ve got art stuff with you, right? We could use some of your paper and pens.”

Mattie looked offended, but a quick undiscernible whisper from Carmilla kept the art major from losing her cool. “Alright. I have a few pieces of notebook paper I can spare, but you’re only getting one pen so you’ll have to share.”

An unnecessarily long amount of time later, an abundance of secrets had been written on scraps of paper and tossed into the ‘White Girl Wasted’ hat that Kirsch had luckily thought to throw in his bag. It had taken much convincing on Kirsch’s part to get everyone involved, and he was crossing his fingers that the game wouldn’t backfire on him.

“Okay, I’ll go first.” Kirsch announced as he shook up the folded pieces of paper. He took one at random and read it aloud. “I once sucked two different dicks in the same day.” Kirsch immediately pointed to Will. “I’ve heard this story! It’s you! And I bet JP is the one who wrote down your secret.”

Will shrugged indifferently before Kirsch tossed him a bottle of cheap vodka. Perry had supplied most of the alcohol for their camping trip, although it had all been leftover at the party the previous night.

“So…” JP awkwardly waved his hand to capture Kirsch’s attention. “You guessed right for both the secret holder and the secret writer, does that mean anything?”

“Uh…sure.” Kirsch nodded, making it up as he went. “How about you both take two shots?”

“Oh.” JP grimaced. “I suppose that’s my fault for asking.”

Kirsch handed the hat to LaFontaine on his right as Will downed another mouthful of vodka and passed the bottle over to JP. LaFontaine dug around in the hat for a moment, possibly stalling, before they finally picked a piece of paper to read. “People think I am a top, but secretly I am a bottom.”

A burst of contagious giggles filled the circle. Kirsch looked around, trying to see if he could pick out whose secret it was before LaFontaine made their guess. He knew it couldn’t be the twins, Will had never been quiet about being a power bottom and JP was too much of a mystery to label either way. Both Danny and Laura looked eager to see the reveal, so he wrote them off as well. Perry seemed a bit nervous, but then again she always did look a bit nervous. He was left with Mattie and Carmilla. Mattie looked pleased, while Carmilla appeared unbothered. It could be either girl, he decided.

“Um.” LaFontaine shrugged. “I really don’t know. Mattie?”

Mattie chuckled, said nothing, and reached for the bottle of vodka. After swallowing back her shot’s worth, she handed it to Carmilla. The ease at which they drank vodka both impressed and troubled Kirsch.

LaFontaine passed the hat to Perry and asked, “So we don’t get to know if I was right? We just get to know that one of them wrote the other’s secret down?”

“Exactly.” Kirsch answered. “See, you’re all getting the hang of it. It’s fun!”

“We’ll see about that.” Perry grumbled as she plucked out the first scrap of paper that her fingers touched. Perry stopped with a look of horror on her face. “I’m not reading this!”

The others chanted for her to keep reading, with Kirsch leading the pack.

“Oh, _fine_.” She huffed. Her cheeks turned bright red as she prepared herself to read the secret aloud. “I like it rough in bed. Biting, scratching, dirty talk, etcetera.”

The plague of giggles returned in full force, eventually breaking Perry’s prudish exterior. She laughed along with everyone else before crumpling the secret into a ball and throwing it into the fire. Kirsch tried again to see if he could pick out whose secret it was, but he drew a blank. It could be any one of them for all he knew.

Finally, Perry turned her gaze on Danny. “I have a feeling that you are somehow involved with this.”

Smiling, Danny held out her hand expectantly for the bottle of vodka. After getting passed the bottle, she threw back a mouthful and said, “Your feeling would be correct.”

Just as Perry passed the hat to Laura, Danny chucked the bottle to her over the fire. Surprised, Laura let the hat fall to her lap and caught the bottle with two hands. The group applauded her quick reflex as she took her shot and searched for a secret to read.

“One time I had a sex dream about Guy Fieri and it wasn’t bad.” After containing her laughter, Laura added, “There’s no way that this isn’t about Kirsch.”

Guilty as charged, Kirsch pumped his fists into the air and waved them around as he awaited the return of the bottle. He was so pleased that his game was going over well, and he hoped that it would keep the good vibes going long into the night.

\--

“You’re both full of shit!” Will shouted angrily across the campground at LaFontaine and JP. It took all of Kirsch’s physical strength just to keep the smaller Zeta where he stood.

“Dude!” Kirsch used his full body weight to push Will into their shared tent and away from the group at the fire. Furious, Will scooted away from him until his back hit the tent’s wall. Kirsch quickly zipped the door into place so that they could at least pretend to have some privacy. It was dark in the tent, aside from the soft glow that danced overhead from the campfire.

“How can you be okay with this?” Will asked, slightly calmer on the outside but still raging within.

“I’m not.” Kirsch assured him. “Dude, it’s fucked up that LaF is squeezing our boys for money, but the other Zetas _did_ steal those drugs.”

Will scoffed. “It was a party. Who the fuck brings that much to a party without sharing?”

“A drug dealer.” Kirsch answered, confused as to why Will couldn’t see the situation the way that he did.

“Whatever. And thanks for taking my side, by the way. Appreciate the support, _bro_.” Will spat.

“You know I’m on your side.” Kirsch scrambled to keep up with the twists and turns of Will’s anger. “I’m always on your side. But this isn’t about you or me, it’s about what the rest of the Zetas did. If I’d known last night where they got the drugs from, I would’ve done something about it then. LaFontaine and JP are just trying to fix what our fraternity messed up.”

“Why are you defending them? You’re a Zeta, we’re supposed to stick together.”

“Bro, I’m just trying to look out for what’s right.” Kirsch was desperate for Will to see reason. He hated when they fought, which was more often than he liked to admit, and Will was a notorious grudge-holder.

“What’s right?” Will asked, his temper rising again. “If you did the right thing, you’d have your fraternity brothers’ backs.”

Frustrated, Kirsch threw up his hands. “They stole! And they didn’t just steal from anyone, they stole from our friend.”

“LaFontaine is no friend of mine.” Will grumbled. “Just because JP is friends with someone, doesn’t mean I am too.”

Kirsch shrugged. “What does it matter? Potato tomato.”

Offended, Will shook his head in disbelief. “It matters a lot. I guess it’s my own fault for assuming you’d understand that. Sometimes I forget how unbelievably fucking stupid you can be.”

“Dude…” Kirsch was at a loss for words. Will wasn’t the first person to call Kirsch stupid, but it was still unexpected. Will was usually the first to stick up for Kirsch, always ready to defend him. Will knew just how much being called stupid hurt Kirsch’s confidence, and he was often the only one to ever retaliate whenever someone inevitably did call Kirsch stupid.

Then again, Kirsch wasn’t all that surprised. Whenever Will wanted to do some damage, he always did go straight for the jugular.

Will reached over to unzip the tent. “You can sleep somewhere else tonight. I don’t feel like sharing a tent with a traitor.”

\--

After shotgunning a few beers in camp, Kirsch staggered down to the lake for some alone time. It was cold out, but the nice buzz he had going kept him from truly feeling it. The water looked nice, so he decided to go for a quick swim. Thinking everyone else was off to bed, he strung up his clothes on a tree branch and waded naked into the water. The cold bit at his exposed skin, but he didn’t mind it. Such an exterior physical feeling was a welcome distraction from the emotional turmoil he felt within.

In one day, Kirsch had managed to lose the only woman who had ever validated his feelings and opinions, and, to add to the mess, he’d fucked up his chances with Will even further. Why he was so in love with a boy who thrived off negativity and toxicity was beyond Kirsch’s comprehension, but he was drawn to Will all the same. Maybe it was the bad boy attitude, or maybe it was the way Will so often stuck up for him, or maybe it was their mutual passion for mischief. Kirsch couldn’t say why; all he could do was feel it. Feel the pull toward him, feel the need to kiss him. He’d fallen in love with Will the moment their eyes had first met. Love at first sight sounded ridiculous, even to him, but he knew it was true. He was reminded of it each and every time that Will smiled at him.

Approaching voices pulled Kirsch from his drunken thoughts. Thinking quick, he swam under the dock to hide himself out of sight. He couldn’t recognize the voices until they’d walked directly over him at the end of the dock.

“Want to sit here?” Laura asked.

“Yeah. Sure.” Carmilla answered.

Kirsch tried to remain as still and quiet as he possibly could. He didn’t want to eavesdrop, but he didn’t want to be caught hiding naked under the dock either. Even trying to keep himself afloat without bumping his head into the dock above proved to be a challenge, so trying to get back on land without being seen was out of the question.

“The game we played was fun.” Laura said. “You know, before all the yelling and fighting started.”

Carmilla replied, “I can’t say that I’m not a little intrigued about who a few of those secrets belonged to.”

With a giggle, Laura asked, “You’re the bottom who pretends to be a top, right?”

Kirsch could nearly hear the shrug in Carmilla’s voice. “Mattie sure seems to think so.”

“You two never…” Laura trailed off.

“God, no.” Carmilla answered. “We might not be blood, but we’re still sisters. I could never see her like that.”

“So her secret was that she listens to Korean pop music?” Laura guessed.

“She’ll never admit it, but she loves it.” Carmilla hesitated. “So…Big Red knows you like it rough.”

“Was that supposed to be a question?”

“I suppose not.”

“Are you jealous?” Laura asked teasingly.

“No.” Carmilla kept an even tone. “I was just wondering if that meant you were the one who left all those bruises on her.”

“Those were definitely not from me.” Laura replied. “If I left a mark, it’s long gone by now.”

“So she did learn your secret from experience then.” Carmilla noted.

“I’m still sensing some jealousy.”

“Sounds to me like you’re seeing what you want to see.”

Feeling guilty for invading their private conversation, Kirsch tried again to think of a way out that wouldn’t get him caught. If he was seen, they’d surely brand him as some weird pervert who’d been sitting under the dock naked and spying on them on purpose. The cold consumed his thoughts as he struggled and failed to make a plan.

Carmilla was the first to speak again. “I want a secret of yours, in case we ever play a game like that again. I want to be able to use a secret that won’t make dinners with the family awkward. There are plenty of things that I could share about Mattie, but even the thought of the twins knowing any of it is too much.”

Laura thought it over. “All of my secrets are too much of a buzzkill for parties.”

“Tell me one anyway.” Carmilla insisted. “I’ll give you a secret in return.”

“Hmm.” The wooden plank beneath Laura creaked as she repositioned herself somehow. “Well, there is one that I could tell you.”

“You have my full attention.” Carmilla promised.

Movement happened, but Kirsch couldn’t make out what it was. Finally, Laura spoke. “I’m really glad we’re sharing a tent tonight, because my secret…is that I would absolutely love to show you just how rough I like it.”

Kirsch nearly choked trying to keep himself quiet. The level of discomfort he felt was unlike anything that he had ever experienced before. He wanted nothing more than for the girls to get up and go back to where they’d come from so he could retrieve his clothes and end this cold nightmare that he’d fallen into.

With an indiscernible tone, Carmilla said, “You’re using sex to avoid talking about what hurts.”

Laura stood abruptly, presumably to leave, but her voice sounded unfazed. “The offer is on the table. You can take it or leave it.”

\--

Meanwhile, back at the camp, LaFontaine and Perry were bundled up in their sleeping bags inside their shared tent. Danny had gone to the bathroom, giving them a brief moment or two alone for the first time since sitting poolside that morning.

“You’re doing the right thing.” Perry reassured LaFontaine. “The Zetas have to be held accountable for what they did.”

“Will was _so_ angry.” LaFontaine replied in awe.

“He’s always angry.” Perry reminded them.

“JP did say that Will’s been exceedingly temperamental lately.”

Perry rolled onto her side so that she could look across the tent at her best friend. The moonlight seeping in was just enough to make an outline in the dark. “Well, there you have it then. It’s not your fault things escalated out of control.”

“It can’t be a coincidence that things always do seem to escalate around me.” LaFontaine worried that they weren’t making any sense, but pressed on regardless. “It would be nice to have at least one good day every once and a while.”

“And what qualifies as a good day to you?” Perry asked.

LaFontaine forced out the truth. “Being carefree somewhere nice and cozy with you. That’s even better than a good day, actually. It’s a perfect day.”

Perry struggled to answer before footsteps and giggles passed by their tent, causing a silence to fall between them.

\--

In the far back of the campsite, Laura kicked off her shoes as she watched Carmilla zip up the tent behind them. The air inside the tent was cold, but they were sheltered from the wind that occasionally beat against the walls. The only light was from the moon, which meant that it was darker than outside but not completely pitch black. They could still see outlines of each other’s bodies in the dark.

Removing her own shoes, Carmilla asked, “I suppose we need to keep this quiet?”

Laura shrugged off her jacket and pulled her shirt over her head. “Let them hear. I don’t care.”

Carmilla moved to her knees, mirroring Laura. Timidly, she reached out a hand and placed it on the back of Laura’s neck. She pulled Laura closer to her, until their eyes slipped shut and their lips met. Laura’s hand dropped to the sleeping bag beneath her legs as she leaned into the kiss. The fabric was smooth and cold under her hand. She hadn’t realized it before, but she was burning up. Her skin radiated heat.

Laura put her hand on Carmilla’s shoulder and gently pushed her down onto the sleeping bag. She straddled her hips, all the while trying not to end their kiss. Her arousal consumed her thoughts as her body hummed in excitement. Carmilla’s hands moved from Laura’s hips, up along her sides, and around to her back where they unclasped her bra. Laura let the straps fall from her shoulders before tossing the bra to the side near her bag. She flipped her hair out of her face and looked down at the girl beneath her.

Carmilla watched Laura with great interest. She’d been with a lot of girls before, but never one as confident and relaxed as Laura. Suddenly, Laura was leaning over and her lips were back on Carmilla’s. After moving her hands back up Laura’s sides, Carmilla let her thumbs trial lightly across the hardened nipples of the girl on top of her. Laura moaned into Carmilla’s mouth and began moving her hips, grinding sensually into her.

“That feels good.” Carmilla confessed in a whisper against Laura’s lips.

“Good to know.” Laura murmured before she trailed a few kisses along Carmilla’s jawline and down her neck. She moved around so that she was better positioned to grind herself into the girl below.

“So when does it get rough?” Carmilla asked teasingly.

Laura smiled into a kiss at Carmilla’s exposed collarbone. “Don’t ask for it if you can’t handle it.”

“It’s all I’ve been able to think about.” Carmilla admitted.

Laura raised herself so that she could properly see Carmilla’s face. “That wasn’t a yes or a no. I have to hear you say it.” She slowed her grinding, making each thrust of her hips hit at just the right angle. “Tell me you want it.”

Carmilla smirked. If Laura was trying to be seductive, it was working. With any other girl, the situation would’ve been a bit ridiculous. But that’s not how it was with Laura. It was real and carnal. It was serious. Laura was serious.

“I want you.” Carmilla was shameless, she had no problem submitting herself to Laura’s whim.

Carmilla bucked her hips up so that she pressed harder into Laura, causing her to gasp. Laura dipped her head back down and reclaimed Carmilla’s lips. Her hands moved to Carmilla’s waist before she slipped her hands under her sweater and ran her fingers up to her breasts. Laura was pleasantly surprised to find that she hadn’t bothered to wear a bra. She lifted Carmilla’s sweater up further so that she could move her lips from Carmilla’s mouth to her left breast. She flicked her tongue against a hardening nipple, loving the way Carmilla writhed as the cold air hit.

Carmilla draped her arm across her eyes and said, “You’re going to make all this foreplay excruciatingly long, aren’t you?”

“You love it.” Laura answered knowingly. She could tell from how easy it was to get a reaction out of Carmilla that the girl wasn’t used to taking things slow. Then again, neither was Laura.

“You just love teasing me.” Carmilla muttered in response as Laura cupped her right breast and gently rolled the nipple there between her thumb and index finger.

“I do.” Laura hummed against Carmilla’s skin as used her free hand to unbutton Carmilla’s pants. She slipped the hand beneath the waistband of her underwear and kept moving down until she found her wet, hot destination. “Sorry my fingers are cold.” She said as she moved back to kiss Carmilla’s lips. Laura circled around her clit, reveling in the way she tried to move her hips to increase the contact.

Laura had planned to take her time, but the hard press of Carmilla’s lips against her own made things a little fuzzy. A moan vibrated in Carmilla’s throat as Laura ran the length of her middle finger across her clit. Laura reversed the action before slipping her finger inside of the girl below her.

“Do you like that?” Laura asked. She wanted to hear Carmilla say it. Nothing would turn her on more than hearing it said out loud.

“Yes.” Carmilla mumbled into their kiss. “Keep going.”

Laura pushed herself up onto her knees so that she could reposition herself between Carmilla’s legs. She pulled down her unbuttoned pants and her underwear in the same motion. Carmilla tried to slip her feet out of them but lost her focus as Laura’s lips quickly found her clit. The air was cold against Carmilla’s exposed lower half, but Laura’s tongue was warm. She moved it with skill and experience, somehow knowing the exact way to make Carmilla writhe against the sleeping bag.  

“Fuck.” Carmilla breathed. She’d had girls go down on her before, but none of those other girls even came close to Laura. She licked and nipped at Carmilla’s clit recklessly, but she never hurt her. Laura was careful with her seemingly chaotic passion. She went in like it was an honor, like Carmilla was a treasured prize, like nothing mattered more in the world than giving Carmilla the upmost pleasure.

“Don’t come yet.” Laura commanded as she moved back to hovering over Carmilla. She guided Carmilla’s hand by the wrist up to her the waistband of her pants. “I want us to do it together.”

More aroused than she’d ever been before in her entire life, Carmilla quickly undid the button on Laura’s pants. She pulled them down just enough so that her hand could easily find the wetness in Laura’s underwear. She wasted no time and went straight for the clit.

Laura smiled as a breathy moan escaped her. Not caring if anyone heard her, Laura let each increasingly higher pitched moan fill the tent. To help muffle the noise, Carmilla used her free hand to pull Laura back down for a kiss. Laura’s hand returned between Carmilla’s thighs as Carmilla continued to work on Laura’s clit.

Laura moved her lips back to Carmilla’s neck and down to her collarbone. She nudged the collar of Carmilla’s sweater aside with her nose before sinking her teeth into the soft skin of her shoulder. Carmilla gasped as her back arched. It was just the unexpected sensation needed for her to reach her tipping point.

“I’m—“ Carmilla tried to warn Laura but was cut off by a demanding kiss. Laura moved her fingers faster, more sporadically. She knew Carmilla was close. Her breathing was erratic and her movements revealed how desperate she was for release.

Laura let a long moan slip past her lips as she rode Carmilla’s fingers. Together, they allowed themselves to reach individual orgasms that seemed to shake them to their very cores. Laura tangled her free hand in Carmilla’s hair and pulled at what she could grasp as pleasure coursed through her. Carmilla smiled at the pain and scratched what little nails she had down Laura’s smooth back.

“Not as rough as I thought it’d be.” Carmilla teased while she tried to catch her breath.

“You’ll just have to work your way up to that.” Laura replied before stealing another kiss. “Do you think the others heard us?”

Carmilla laughed. “Oh yeah. You’re not very quiet.”

Laura smiled and flipped her hair out of the way. She looked down at Carmilla, who was bathed in the subtle glow of post-sex bliss. “It was worth it. Oh, and you still owe me a secret, by the way. Don’t think that I forgot.”

“Ask me again later.” Carmilla pleaded. “I can’t think straight yet.”

\--

Kirsch sat at the camping chair near the fire, alone, tired, and damp from his unfortunate late night swim. A few embers still glowed within the ashes, but the smoke had cleared long ago. He was running on zero sleep and his mind kept returning to his breakup with Klaus that morning. He knew that things never would’ve lasted between them, but it still hurt to be rejected.

Klaus hated her husband, why would she go back to him? Why would she choose a man who never listened to her over Kirsch? He always listened. He always cared. Even if he didn’t understand why she was upset or why she was angry, he was there for her when no one else was. Did that mean nothing?

“Can I join you?” Danny asked, not waiting for an answer before she sat in the chair to his left.

“It’s a bit noisy over here.” He warned her as he gestured to the tent in the far back.

Danny glanced to Laura and Carmilla’s tent. “Yeah, well, we all saw that one coming.”

“I doubt it’ll end well, though.” He brought his recently opened beer up to his lips and sipped from it. “They’re too much alike. Both trying too hard to keep everything bottled in. Both trying too hard to look like they don’t care about anything.”

Danny reached over and took the beer from his hand. “Wow. You’re a lot more perceptive than I realized.”

Kirsch sighed as she drank from the can. “If only Will was as easy to read as his sister.”

Handing him back his beer, Danny said, “If anyone can figure him out, it’s you. Like, I get that him and JP are twins, but they really don’t seem all that close. JP is always tugging at Will’s sleeve, too busy being afraid of his own shadow to do anything on his own. And Will…I don’t even know what’s up with him. God help whoever does.”

“You believe in God?” Kirsch wondered aloud. He could’ve sworn he’d once listened to Danny rant about the implausibility of the bible at a party.

Danny was quiet for a few moments. “I don’t know what I believe.”

Kirsch nodded. “I know the feeling.”

“You should go talk to him.” Danny urged, most likely to change the subject.

“He kicked me out of the tent.” Kirsch answered somberly. “If I go back in there, it’ll just make him angrier.”

“So?” Danny questioned. “Let him be angry then. It’s your tent, you can sleep in it if you want to. If he doesn’t like it, he can come sleep out here in the cold. You have to stand up for yourself.”

Kirsch looked over to her. “Why are you being so nice to me? Why are you even out here?”

“I’m giving LaF and Perry some time to talk. They looked like they needed it.” Danny replied. “And don’t think I’m being nice because I like you or anything. We’re not friends, but I’m not a heartless monster. It’s weird seeing you like this, all sad. As much as I hate the normal peppy you, that Kirsch is a lot more fun than this lame Kirsch who’s letting a dumb boy ruin his night.”

With a new surge of confidence, Kirsch thanked Danny and bid her a goodnight before walking over to his tent. He took a deep breath, chugged the rest of his beer, tossed the can, and unzipped the tent. He crawled inside and removed his shoes before zipping the door closed again.

“Are you awake?” Kirsch asked quietly. He propped himself up on his elbows on his sleeping bag and tried to ignore the tension in the air.

“What do you want?” Will grumbled with his back to Kirsch.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry we can’t see eye to eye about this whole LaF versus the Zetas thing, and I’m sorry for what I said about you and JP being potato tomato, but I’m not going to a different tent and I’m not sleeping outside in the cold. I’m sleeping here, in my tent, in my sleeping bag. And, like, if you don’t like that, you’ll just have to deal with it because I’m not going anywhere.”

Will said nothing, which Kirsch took as a good sign. In an effort to get ready for bed, Kirsch took off his pants and socks. He folded them up and placed them beside his shoes before sliding into his sleeping bag.

“Goodnight.” Kirsch said. He knew he wouldn’t get a response, but that wasn’t the point.

Will’s voice was hardly above a whisper as he replied, “Goodnight.”


	5. Mattie

Sitting alone in the middle of Silas’s largest lecture hall, Mattie stared at the blackboards in the front of the room. They’d been haphazardly wiped clean from the previous class, but a few smudged words were still legible. It had been a full five minutes since the instructor had released the class and fled the room, but Mattie was too consumed by her thoughts to move. Her notebook sat in her lap, untouched by the pen that was still perched in her hand as if she was about to take notes at any moment.

“Are you alright?”

Mattie jumped in her seat as an unfamiliar voice filled the lecture hall. The pen slipped from her fingers and landed on the floor as she turned around in her seat to see a girl standing in the doorway at the top of the steps. It was Betty, Laura Hollis’s tall blonde roommate that Mattie recognized from the art club.

“I’m fine.” Mattie answered, making sure that her tone would be unquestionable.

Betty began descending the steps. She held tightly to the collection of papers in her arms. “It’s not every day that you find someone just hanging around after class. Usually people bolt for the door.”

Mattie gathered her belongings and tucked away her notebook into her bag. “Consider me unusual then.”

Danny Lawrence entered through the doorway to the lecture hall, but she was too busy looking at a paper in her hands to notice Mattie standing in the center of the room. “Are you talking to yourself again, Betty?”

“Oh yeah. Definitely.” Betty called back over her shoulder with a sly grin.

“You’re so cu—oh!” Danny nearly tripped on the stairs as she finally looked up and realized that someone else was in the room with them. “Wh-what are you doing here?”

Mattie suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. “I go to school here.”

Danny glanced around the room. “Right, but we’re a long way from the Fine Arts building.”

Mattie hated when people pried into business that was none of their concern, but she wasn’t about to let someone as annoying as Danny Lawrence have the last word. “I must’ve missed the memo that students aren’t allowed to take elective courses.”

Betty carefully placed her stack of papers on a desk at the front of the room and examined the class schedule that was posted on the wall near the emergency exit door. “You’re an art major taking a business class as an elective? That’s funny, usually it’s the other way around.”

Danny looked back to Mattie, suspicious. “You never mentioned any business classes when we were all talking about school at Perry’s house. Why keep it a secret?”

“Am I not entitled to a secret?” Mattie strutted down the row of seats and up the stairs. She stopped at the step Danny was on. She could’ve kept going to make herself taller, but she didn’t need to be at eye level to make someone feel intimidated. She lowered her voice so that Betty wouldn’t be able to hear her threat. “Does your latest little plaything know that you fucked her roommate?”

Unbothered by the challenging glare, Danny smiled. “You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that to get under my skin.”

Mattie turned on her heels and looked down the steps to where Betty stood, silent and confused. She knew just the perfect fib to tell. “You might want to go and get yourself tested. I hear that Lawrence gets around. And you might want to bring along your little roommate, Laura. If you’ve got something, she’ll no doubt have it too.”

Betty gasped, and Danny immediately began sputtering out explanations and denials to her. Mattie simply smiled and kept on her way.

\--

“Why are we here?” Melanippe Callis asked Theo Straka as the pair walked through the main hall of the Fine Arts building that doubled as the student art gallery.

Mattie stood behind a column where she’d just taped an advertisement for the art club’s next fundraiser. She was out of their line of sight for now, and as long as she remained still they probably wouldn’t even notice her at all.

“Don’t worry, it won’t take long.” Theo promised. “I need you to stay on lookout while I slip into the supply closet. I won’t be long.”

“Wait.” Mel stopped him. There was a large window to Mattie’s left, and she could just make out their reflections. “Look at this painting. I’ve never seen something so depressing in my entire life. And look, it says it was done by Sarah Jane. Isn’t that the girl who kicked your ass at beer pong last weekend?”

“I don’t recall. Now can we get on with this?” He answered impatiently.

“I still don’t understand why you brought _me_. Why not just bring one of your Zetas?” Mel questioned.

“They’re all shit at keeping secrets.” He explained as he headed for the supply closet.

Clearing her throat, Mattie stepped out from behind the column with her advertisement flyers in one hand and a roll of tape in the other.

“Is there anything that I can help you find?” Mattie asked with a gesture to the supply closet.

Theo jerked his hand away from the closet’s doorknob as if it had been scalding hot. “No, that won’t be necessary. We were just leaving.”

“Really?” Mattie smiled. She loved catching someone in a lie. “Because it sounded like you were planning to steal art supplies from the university, which is, I must add, quite foolish considering that there are not one but _two_ security cameras watching you at this very moment. Of course, I suppose it is common knowledge that they only review the security footage if there’s been an incident, and I’m sure you weren’t planning to take enough for it to ever be noticeable, so it was a decent plan. You could even still get away with it, as long as no one, I don’t know, alerts the campus security of suspicious activity.”

He sighed and placed his hands on his hips, accepting that he’d been caught. “What do you want, Belmonde? What’s it going to take to keep this quiet?”

“First, I want to know what you were going to take and what you were going to do with it.” She answered.

Theo glanced over to Mel, who was being unusually quiet. “I was looking for spray paint, alright? I was going to vandalize something.”

“Vandalize what?” Mattie pressed.

He shrugged. “Didn’t get that far.”

Mattie knew he was lying, but even if he did say what he planned to graffiti, she probably wouldn’t have cared either way. “Fine.”

Mel looked back and forth between them. “Is that it? Are we good now?”

“Not quite.” Mattie took a step closer. “It’s come to my attention that your little Zetas have gotten themselves tangled into quite the scandal.”

Theo shook his head, confused. “What’s this about?”

Mattie went on, enjoying torturing him. “I wonder which headline the papers will go with: Fraternity Steals and Abuses Illegal Drugs _or_ Zeta Omega Mu Shames Silas University.”

Theo crossed his arms over his chest. “I think you’re forgetting that your brother Will Karnstein was there that night.”

“I haven’t forgotten.” Mattie crossed her arms as well. “His literal ass is quite visible on the blackmail footage that was obtained.”

“You can’t threaten the Zetas without threatening him too.” Theo reminded her.

“Perhaps you are the one who is being forgetful.” Mattie hated using her ace card so early in a game, but sometimes there was just no way around it. “Will’s mother is the Dean of Students. She would never allow a clumsy thief like you to ruin her son’s future. Trust me, I’ve lived with this woman. She’s capable of more than you think.”

Mel piped up. “If that’s the case, then why should Theo take LaFontaine’s blackmail seriously? As you’ve said, the Dean would never let anyone tarnish the reputation of her sweet naïve children.”

Mattie forced herself to laugh. “Lilita Morgan Karnstein is a ruthless, conniving schemer who would sooner tear the Zeta Omega Mu house down with her bare hands than risk having a stain on the family name. She’ll find a way to keep William safe from harm, but that doesn’t mean she can’t take you down in the process.”

Theo angrily turned to leave but stopped himself. He pointed his finger at her. “The Karnsteins might be protected, but you’re no Karnstein, are you? If you follow through with this, you’ll pay for it. Mommy might risk it all for her real kids, but I doubt she’ll do the same for you when the time comes.”

As the Summer and Zeta turned to leave, Mattie added one last thing. “Consider this interaction your official and final warning to pay what you owe LaFontaine. There will be consequences if you don’t, that I can guarantee.”

\--

Text — Carmilla  
1:49pm Mattie: Where are you?  
1:54pm Carmilla: Working  
2:03pm Mattie: On the way to you now.

\--

Mattie entered the quaint apartment without bothering to hide her discomfort. No matter how many times she visited Carmilla there, she never got used to it. Entering the Dean’s on-campus residence was like walking back in time. Each time that she was forced to breathe in that elegant perfume, to see the antique collectables lining the walls, to set foot on the imported luxury rugs, Mattie was transformed back into her fifteen year old self. She was reminded not only of how foreign the Karnsteins’ world had been to her, but of the life that she had left behind when she’d come to live with them and the person she had been.

The Mattie Belmonde of the past was weak, timid, and insecure. All of that changed once the newly appointed Silas Dean took her in at the request of her teenage daughter. The Dean had not seen a wayward stray like the rest of the world; she’d seen potential for greatness. She taught Mattie how to stand on her own, how to be strong, how to achieve success. She shaped Mattie into the woman that she always wished Carmilla would’ve been, which really became a win-win for them all. Carmilla had her friend, the Dean had her seemingly perfect daughter, and Mattie had a chance to really make something out of her life.

“What’s up?” Carmilla asked as Mattie strolled into the office. The upstairs served as the living space, while the downstairs held the Dean’s private office, the kitchen, and a small venue for hosting dinner parties.

“Is your mother here?” Mattie asked cautiously.

“Nope.” Carmilla answered. “She’s at some meeting about the plans to remodel the administration building. Apparently the damage from the fire was more extensive than they’d originally thought.”

“Are you ever going to get out of this place?” Mattie asked before plopping down into one of the lavish arm chairs that sat in front of the Dean’s desk.

Carmilla leaned back in the rolling office chair and tossed her pen onto the stack of papers and files that were spread out around her laptop. “Would if I could.”

“When does your punishment officially end?” Mattie asked, recalling the incident over the summer. In an effort to exhaust what was left of her teenage rebellion, or perhaps as a way to attract attention from the Dean, Carmilla had gotten herself caught stealing from the liquor store in town. To avoid a scandal, the Dean paid off everyone involved and forced Carmilla into a job as her part-time personal assistant.

“Not until the end of the semester.” Carmilla sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. It was messy, but that was Carmilla’s style. Mattie never understood the appeal of the punk rock aesthetic, but after all the years of seeing Carmilla dressed in excessive amounts of black clothing, Mattie couldn’t imagine her any other way.

A notification sounded on Carmilla’s computer, and Mattie raised a questioning brow at her. “Am I interrupting another conversation?”

“It’s just Laura.” Carmilla brushed it off and closed out of the messaging window. She made a point to give Mattie her full attention.

“You don’t fool me.” Mattie reminded her. “I can tell that you’re smitten with this girl.”

“I’m not.” Carmilla insisted. Mattie always hated when Carmilla tried to deny something that was written all over her face. It was like asking a puppy who chewed up your expensive shoes when both you and the puppy knew exactly who the culprit was.

Mattie took a moment to check the lock screen on her phone for any new notifications. Distractedly, she asked, “Do you think she’ll try to make things serious?”

Carmilla shrugged and looked everywhere but at Mattie. “She says that she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone right now.”

“Bad breakup?” Mattie questioned as she dropped her phone back into her purse.

“I never asked.” Carmilla answered.

“Never? That’s impressive considering how much the two of you talk.”

“We don’t talk that often.”

“Oh?” Mattie questioned.

“No.” Carmilla asserted. “We text a little, and we message each other online sometimes when I’m here, but I hardly ever see her. And when I do, she’s surrounded by all of those obnoxious gingers and the twins and that Zeta.”

“It seems as though your little infatuation with Laura has caused us to enter a new social group.” Mattie commented. “It’s certainly not the best company to keep around, but I suppose we could do worse.”

“No one is making you hang out with them.” Carmilla spun it around on her. “And we both know that hanging out with me isn’t the only reason you show up when one of them invites us somewhere.”

“I’ve told you before and I’ll say it again…” Mattie waited until Carmilla looked her in the eyes. “I have absolutely zero romantic interest in Lola Perry.”

“Then you should tell her that.” It wasn’t the first time Carmilla had tried to advise Mattie about her not-so-secret admirer, and it showed in her tone. “Stop giving her hope that you’ll come around and notice her. At this point, you’re purposefully wasting her time by not telling her how you feel.”

“Why do you care so adamantly for a girl whose name you didn’t even bother to learn until Laura Hollis came along?” If Carmilla wanted to play this game, Mattie was ready. The power of deflecting and redirecting was one of the first life lessons that the Dean had ever taught her.

“Why do you care so little about a girl who’s obsessed over you for years?” Carmilla fired back. “You have to put her out of her misery.”

“I didn’t ask for her to like me.” Mattie tried to keep her voice as unattached and emotionless as possible. “I shouldn’t be obligated to put myself and her _and_ you _and_ the rest of this pack of misfits into any awkward positions. How she feels is her business.”

Carmilla grew annoyed. “Don’t try to go all objective on me. You feed off the attention she gives you like a fucking sponge. And you love it. You love being admired and adored. And I understand that, it’s an addictive feeling, but you can’t take every bit of love that this girl wants to give you and then do nothing in return. You’re going to end up draining her until she has nothing left to give.”

Mattie remained quiet as understanding finally came to her. In typical Carmilla fashion, she was projecting her own feelings and insecurities onto someone else. Though the two situations were not exactly the same, the emotions involved were similar enough for Mattie to realize that Carmilla’s words reflected how she’d felt when Ell was still around.

Whenever Mattie grew worried that she was becoming a nasty person, all she had to do was remember Ell, a vindictive and manipulative hypocrite who’d built Carmilla up purposefully so that she could tear her back down again. When word had come that Ell had killed herself, Mattie hadn’t felt sorry. Quite the opposite, she’d felt relief. The news had emotionally destroyed Carmilla, but if Ell had lived and the two of them had stayed together, Mattie knew that something much worse than grief would’ve taken hold of her sister. It upset Mattie that Carmilla would ever compare her to monster like Ell, indirectly or not.

Spurred by a fleeting moment of anger, Mattie said, “Are you ever going to stop pretending that you’ve moved on from Ell?”

Carmilla leaned forward and placed her elbows on the desk with an intense glare aimed right at Mattie. “We’re not talking about her. We’re talking about you.”

“Did she not drain you of everything you had? Did she not string you along because she fed off your attention?” Mattie asked. “You’re the one who said that Ell never loved you, that she only ever loved the way that you loved her. What you went through is in no way what is happening now between Lola Perry and myself. I’m avoiding unnecessary awkwardness amongst friends, not pretending to return her feelings so that I can use her adoration to keep myself entertained.”

Exasperated, Carmilla exclaimed, “I never said anything about Ell, you did! Why the hell are you even bringing her up? If you’re going for a distraction tactic, using Ell is low…even for you.”

“Fine.” Mattie stood abruptly. She knew that she was right and that Carmilla was projecting her deeply rooted issues onto Perry, but there was no use fighting with her.

“Where are you going?” Carmilla asked as Mattie neared the door.

With one foot already out the door, Mattie answered, “To crush Lola Perry’s spirits and make all future outings with her and her friends complicated and awkward, just as you’ve requested.”

\--

Mattie was still mad when she knocked on the door to Perry’s dorm room, but the anger was hidden beneath a calm surface. The door opened quickly, and suddenly Mattie was forced to feel the full weight of her decision.

“Oh, um, hi.” Perry smiled. She was a beautiful girl, and even prettier when she smiled. It wasn’t something Mattie often saw her do.

“Hello. May I come in?” In the back of her mind, Mattie cursed herself for sounding so formal. It wasn’t like she was about to break a business negotiation; a more personal touch was needed to ensure that the two of them could stay on good terms.

“Yes, by all means.” Perry opened the door wider and stepped aside.

Mattie wasn’t surprised to see how meticulously clean the room was. Everything about it, from the décor to the detailed organization, resembled Perry’s parents’ house. It hardly felt like a week had gone by since the party there.

Perry shut the door and asked, “Can I get you some water or anything to drink?”

“Oh, that’s kind, but no thank you.” Mattie willed herself to keep strong in her resolve. She just needed to find the right moment to say it. “You have a single. That’s nice. I always had a roommate when I lived in the dorms.”

“You don’t live on campus?” Perry questioned as she closed the notebook she had been studying from on her bed and placed it on the desk.

“I do.” Mattie clarified. “But in the student apartments on the outskirts of campus. Two bedroom, one bath. Carmilla and I share it.”

“It’s good that you two get along so well.” Perry said as she sat on the edge of her bed.

Mattie sat beside her, but made sure to leave an appropriate amount of space between them. “We have our ups and downs, but, yes, it all worked out rather well.”

Perry giggled. “When you say it like that, it sounds like the two of you are dating.”

Mattie couldn’t resist the urge to crack a smile. “I could never. Besides, she’s far from my type.”

“What is your type?” Perry asked, cautious and hopeful.

This was the opportunity that Mattie needed. All she had to do was come up with a type that resembled none of Perry’s various qualities but wasn’t too far from the truth. As Mattie opened her mouth to spew out a few fibs about the kind of traits she found most attractive, Perry glanced down to her lips and suddenly Mattie found herself strangely flustered. The feeling was similar to when you use a coin toss to decide between two options and realize which you want to happen as soon as the coin is in the air and the outcome is no longer in your control.

“I don’t know.” Mattie answered slowly. She could tell by the look on Perry’s face that she’d taken Mattie’s hesitation as a good sign.

With confidence that Mattie had never witnessed from her before, Perry said, “I tend to find myself most attracted to leaders. To people who aren’t afraid to take on a challenge or question the impossible. To someone ambitious and strong…someone a lot like you.”

Mattie resented Carmilla for putting her in this predicament. Perry was sweet and considerate; she didn’t deserve to have her hopes crushed. And, truth be told, the way Perry was looking at her full of lust and longing turned her on.

“How bold.” Mattie didn’t mind revealing how impressed she was to see Perry show a little backbone for a change. “Confidence suits you well.”

“Why did you come here?” Perry asked. She was leaning toward Mattie, slowly getting closer and closer. If it were any other day, Mattie would’ve assumed the movement was subconscious, but Perry wasn’t being her usual panicky self and Mattie didn’t know what to expect anymore.

She knew that she needed to tell the truth, to say that she had no intention of pursuing any kind of romantic relationship with Perry, but she was having a hard time getting the words out. It was true that she didn’t want to lose Perry’s unwavering affection, but it was more than that now. Perry wasn’t just a girl that she could have any time that she wanted. Perry was now a girl that she specifically couldn’t have. Carmilla had turned Perry into forbidden fruit, and Mattie was having a hard time resisting the urge to indulge herself.

One of them, perhaps even both of them, leaned in for a kiss. Their lips met without a magical show of fireworks or feelings of blossoming love. It was just a kiss, nothing special. But that didn’t stop them from making out or from sliding their hands beneath each other’s clothes. It didn’t stop Mattie from going until her hand cramped up or stop Perry from covering her mouth to silence her moans. And it certainly didn’t stop them from going a second round.

\--

Meanwhile, over in the freshman dorm hall, Laura Hollis was struggling to find her keys in her backpack. She’d been doing a little day drinking on the sly—she’s learned that a little vodka mixed with some clear soda inside a water bottle could go completely undetected in class—and she was having a difficult time remembering where she’d put the room key. Finally, after several minutes of looking in the same places over and over again, she finally found her keys wedged down into the bottom of the bag.

She opened the door and walked in, kicking it shut behind her before tossing her bag and keys near her bed. It wasn’t until she’d sat down and began untying her shoes that she realized there were muffled voices coming from the bathroom.

“Betty?” She called out curiously. Her roommate had never had anyone over before, not even a friend.

The bathroom door creaked open just enough so that Betty could pop her head out. “Um, hey, Laura. What’s up?”

“Is someone in there with you?” Laura asked. Her mind struggled to keep up with the fast pace of the conversation. Even as inebriated as she was, Laura could still tell that Betty was flustered.

“Uh…” She hesitated. “Yes?”

 “Oh.” Laura paused with her foot elevated and her shoe half off. “Should I go?”

A second head appeared above Betty’s in the small opening. Danny smiled at Laura. “Or you could join us.”

Shocked, but not opposed to the idea, Betty exclaimed, “Oh my god! All three of us would not fit in that shower.”

“Only one way to find out.” Danny replied.

“Okay.” Laura said with a shrug as she let her shoe fall to the wooden floor with a loud flop. She stood and pulled her shirt over her head. “But only if I get to be in the middle.”

\--

Mattie tossed her purse unceremoniously onto the kitchen counter inside the apartment that she and her sister shared. It was small and drastically beneath the Dean’s standards, but it was perfect for the two of them. They’d strung up some hanging lights from one wall to the other over the comfortable living space, which gave the tiny rectangular room a soft glow. The walls were lined with Mattie’s original artwork, mostly paintings but a few sketches had been tacked up as well. The only decorative thing in the entire apartment that belonged to Carmilla was a crudely drawn picture on notebook paper of two stick figures with absurdly large breasts in a sixty-nine position that been taped to the fridge.

Carmilla popped her head up over the back of the couch. She watched Mattie pace around the kitchen for a few moments before she said anything. “Why do you look so guilty?”

Mattie stopped, sighed, and turned to face her sister. “I’m guilty, but not regretful. Remember that.”

Carmilla skeptically narrowed her gaze. “What did you do?”

“Perry.” Mattie answered bluntly.

“Oh.” She wasn’t angry or upset. In fact, she didn’t seem surprised in the least.

Mattie sighed again, longer this time, and walked over to the couch. She fell onto one of the cushions, hardly giving Carmilla enough time to move her legs. “We had a long talk after it happened.”

“And?” Carmilla prompted as she closed the book in her lap.

“I told her how I felt. That I wasn’t looking for a relationship with her.” Mattie struggled to keep her emotions from revealing how confused she felt. “And she…it wasn’t even a big deal to her. She _agreed_ that we should stay friends. She said that the allure of capturing the unattainable was gone. That the thrill of the chase was over.” Mattie searched for any sort of reaction from Carmilla but found none. “All this time, she was never after me. She was after the _idea_ of me.”

Carmilla sat up straight and looked Mattie directly in the eyes. “Now you know how it feels to be treated like an object. You only ever thought of Perry as a plaything. She was just a cheap way for you to feel better about yourself. Why are you so surprised that someone is finally treating you exactly the way that you’ve treated them?”

“I really am a terrible person.” Mattie said in awe. She’d never experienced such a powerful self-revelation before.

“You’re not.” Carmilla reassured her. “You’re just a little full of yourself. I mean, we all did kind of think Perry was madly in love with you, but that’s not the point. You’ve got a big ego. And, hey, so do I. It takes one to know one, right? The only difference is that I learned other people don’t revolve around me like I’m the sun a little sooner than you did.”

“You and your infinite wisdom.” Mattie teased with a roll of her eyes.

“If only.” Carmilla leaned back against the couch and stared up at the ceiling.

“One of you is going to end up with a broken heart.” Mattie said quietly.

“It’s not like that. She doesn’t want a relationship, and neither do I.” She replied.

Mattie placed her elbow over the back of the couch and propped up her head against the palm of her hand. “You can’t be so afraid of the fire that you’re willing to die in the cold.”

“Says the girl who’s never been burned.” Carmilla glanced over. “And what happened with you and Perry doesn’t count. That’s more like…you thought you had a fire going but it rained.”

Mattie shrugged. “Things did get pretty wet.”

Carmilla laughed. “Okay, wow, I don’t even want to know the dirty details. You can keep that to yourself.”

“She was actually much better than I thought she would be.” Mattie gushed, purposefully to annoy Carmilla. “I got off twice, if you can believe it. She did this finger with her thumb—“

“Stop!” Carmilla pleaded with a laugh.

“Fine.” Mattie kept her smile. “What are you doing tonight? I want to stay in. I really need to finish that essay that’s due tomorrow night, but I don’t feel like doing it now. I’m a little…worn out.”

Carmilla gave her a look but otherwise ignored the comment. “I can’t stay in. I’m meeting up with someone soon.”

“Laura?” Mattie guessed.

“No.” She seemed a bit annoyed that Mattie would make that assumption. “Not her. A different girl.”

“That’s good.” Mattie praised. “And I suppose I do need some time to myself. Today has given me a lot to think about.”

“More than just everything with Perry?” Carmilla wondered.

Mattie chose her words carefully. If she was going to admit her doubts and fears to someone, Carmilla was the only person she trusted enough to do so. “This morning in class, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life by not going into business. An art degree won’t get me anywhere in life. A degree in business could take me places. I’ve taken enough elective courses in the business and management fields to where it would only take me an extra year to fulfill the double major requirements. I just…I don’t want to get the business degree and wind up in a stuffy office that demonizes creativity and originality. I don’t want to be just another cog in a corporate machine.”

“You were born to be an artist.” Carmilla said. “You can’t waste your talent and throw away your happiness just because the road ahead of you isn’t the easiest path. But I don’t understand what’s stopping you from opening your own art gallery or whatever. You could do that. You don’t have to sacrifice art to get the fancy life that you want.”

“I don’t want to fail.” Mattie confessed. “I _can’t_ fail. I have an obligation to succeed. Art is fickle and subjective. Trends come and go, artists rise and fall. There’s no security. There’s no guarantee. I refuse to be another starving artist.” She had to pause to keep her emotions in check. “I know all too well what it’s like to fall asleep hungry. I won’t go back to that kind of life.”

Carmilla was quiet for a moment. “I can’t tell you what to do. Hell, I can’t even figure out what I should do with my own damn life. But if I had your talent, and if I loved anything as much as you love making art…there’s no way that I would give it up. You know, a wise woman once told me that you can’t be so afraid of the fire that you’ll let yourself die in the cold.”

Mattie couldn’t resist. “Sounds like an asshole to me.”

“Oh, she is.” Carmilla smirked. “And I’m pretty sure that’s not even a real saying.”

“It’s not.” Mattie sighed. “I made it up. It doesn’t even sound all that great now that I think about it. Or maybe you just ruined it.”

Carmilla shook her head, her words taking on more weight than their light banter. “Well, ruining things _is_ my special talent.”


	6. Will & JP

Text — LaFontaine

9:00am LaF: Vordenberg’s minion just came for the backpack full of cash. I had to empty my entire savings into it. I’m screwed. And broke. And now I have another bag full of stuff I can’t sell.  
9:02am JP: We need to think of a plan.  
9:05am LaF: Danny just told me what happened to Sarah Jane. Have you heard the news yet? It’s not good.

\--

“You got home late last night.” JP said as Will groggily pushed the bed sheets off of himself.

Will ignored his brother as he stumbled toward the bathroom. He hated sharing a tiny dorm room with JP, but the living arrangement had been a stipulation of their mother’s. But come junior year, no one would be able to hold Will back from finally making it into the Zeta Omega Mu fraternity house. The house was small, so the rooms were reserved for upperclassmen, but Will would live in a cardboard box if it meant he could get some privacy from his brother.

JP waited patiently for Will to finish in the bathroom. He had much to tell him, but he wanted to be able to see the reactions on his face. Even with his own twin, JP sometimes had trouble gauging the emotions of others.

“What?” Will asked knowingly. One glance at the look on JP’s face said it all.

JP sat up a little straighter in the desk chair in front of his laptop. He clicked on the Internet tab he had loaded and ready for when Will woke up. It was the feed for JP’s main social networking site. “There’s been a bit of a tragedy, it seems.”

“A _tragedy_?” Will mocked as he dug through the pile of dirty clothes on the floor. He picked one at random, sniffed it, and pulled it on over his head. “How many times do I have to tell you that bad casting for your nerdy movies doesn’t count as bad news?”

JP pointed to the computer screen. “A girl we go to school with died.”

“What? Who?” Will dropped an armful of clothes and raced over to the laptop.

“Sarah Jane.” JP said as he directed Will’s attention to the flooded feed of posts dedicated to her. “People are saying it was alcohol poisoning that did it. She was found unresponsive at the club on—“

“On 2nd and Alvarez.” Will finished for him. “I know. I saw her there with Carmilla last night.”

“There’s going to be a candlelight vigil there tonight for her. LaFontaine said that the Summers are organizing it. They’ve still got candles leftover from the last one, apparently. We should go and show our support. I didn’t know her personally, but I knew of her.”

“The Zetas will be there if the Summers are putting it on.” Will sighed. He returned to his side of the room and began searching for clean pants to wear.

JP was about to click out of his page, but he noticed a new post recently published by Kirsch. He took a moment to read it while Will tossed clothes around the room. “It sounds like Kirsch knew Sarah Jane rather well.”

“Yeah. They were a thing his freshman year.” Will answered, half paying attention. His focus was on his own reflection in the mirror on the back of the door as he tried to fix his hair. He didn’t feel like showering, so the mess on his head would have to do. He ran his fingers along the stubble at his jawline, deeming it still too short to bother with shaving.

“Does that mean they dated?” JP wondered.

“No.” Will said, as if the answer was obvious. “It means they were a thing.”

“Right.” JP still had no clue what exactly a _thing_ was, but he knew that asking would only irritate Will further. He stood from the desk but couldn’t take another step without landing on one of Will’s shirts. “Could you retrieve your clothes? They’ve entered my side of the room.”

“Just shove them out of the way.” Will said before grabbing his phone, wallet, and keys. “I’m going to get breakfast.”

“It’s three in the afternoon.” JP pointed out.

Will stopped and turned to look at him, completely unamused. “Then I guess I’m going to get lunch.”

“I’ll go with you. I could use a snack.” JP replied as he began trudging through Will’s clothes on the floor.

“No.” Will held out his hand to stop his brother. “We don’t always have to do everything together.”

“But we don’t do everything together.” JP was confused. “I can already think of quite an extensive list of things we don’t do together.”

Will groaned loudly before saying, “Dude! This is exactly why I can’t wait to get my own place. I don’t want to be _the twins_ all the time. I want to be me. Just me. No tagalong. I’m tired of it. I just want to be my own person for a change. We need, like, a little time apart, you know? I love you, man, but you drive me fucking insane half the time. I don’t want our relationship or brotherhood or whatever the fuck it is to be ruined because we spend too much time together.”

“What do you mean by ‘time apart’?” JP asked, growing nervous. “How much time?”

“At the very least, a few months.” Will said with a shrug of indifference. “Maybe longer. Whatever it takes for people to stop saying ‘Will and JP’ and start saying just ‘Will’.”

“Months?” JP’s heart was racing. They’d never been apart more than a week before, and even that was much too long for JP’s comfort. He relied on his brother, he _needed_ Will. Whenever he walked into an unfamiliar place alone, he would become incredibly anxious. Will was the remedy to that. He knew how to talk to strangers, he knew how to be charming and funny. And if JP ever said anything wrong or accidentally insulting, Will knew how to smooth things over and keep the peace. If peace wasn’t an option, Will was the muscle. He was always ready to defend JP if a physical altercation arose. JP leaned on Will for so much, he couldn’t imagine going for so long without his brother at his side.

“Yes. Months.” Will repeated. His temper was rising by the second. Why JP was so unwilling to have a little independence was beyond him.

\--

“What should I do?” JP asked the others at the library table.

LaFontaine looked around to see if Perry, Laura, or Danny were going to offer any advice, but of course they weren’t. “Look, Jeep, it’s totally fair for Will to ask for a little breathing room, but cutting you off completely isn’t a good idea.”

“Why not?” Laura asked as she closed the textbook in front of her despite having only read a single page from it.

“Breathing room is fair.” Perry chimed in. “But a total lack of communication is just cruel.”

Laura’s eyes glazed over as her mind traveled elsewhere. Distantly, she said, “Sometimes it’s for the best.”

Danny nodded. “I agree. Sometimes you have to cut loose the things that hold you back. And it’s not like he’s trying to ditch you forever, JP. It sounds like he’s trying to find out who he is. Let him do his own thing for a while.”

LaFontaine turned back to JP. “Looks like it’s two against two here. You’ll have to ask someone else to break the tie. But we’ll all be here for you no matter what happens.”

Perry fiercely marked something out in her chaotic assemblage of notes before saying, “I don’t think it’s worth it. You should never go that long without talking to your family. One day you might wake up and find out that you can never talk to them again.”

LaFontaine watched Perry carefully. “Perr…”

“Are you talking about Sarah Jane?” Danny asked.

With great hesitation, Perry nodded. “Yes. I was very sad to hear about her passing. She was a lovely person.”

“How’s Kirsch doing?” Danny wondered aloud. “Does anyone know?”

“Kirsch?” Laura questioned. “Were the two of them close or something?”

JP knew this was his chance to join the conversation again. “They were a _thing_.”

Danny added, “Back when they were both freshmen. Is that where Will is now? With Kirsch?”

“Possibly.” JP answered, a bit embarrassed that he didn’t know. “He doesn’t like to tell me where he’s going much anymore. He’s afraid I’ll show up uninvited. Whenever he leaves and doesn’t want me to go with him, he just says he’s going to get food.”

Laura looked around at the group. “Is that normal sibling behavior? I’m an only child, I’ve never dealt with anything like this.”

“It’s not weird.” Danny shook her head. “I lied to my brothers all the time when we all lived at home, especially when I was going somewhere that I wasn’t allowed to go.”

“I don’t have siblings.” LaFontaine responded when the group looked to them expectantly.

“I’ve got to go.” Perry said abruptly. She collected her things hurriedly and added, “See you all tonight at the candlelight vigil.”

\--

Will and Kirsch sat quietly together on the curbside couch in Kirsch’s room at the Zeta Omega Mu fraternity house. It was old and torn, exactly the kind of junk someone would leave for free on the side of the street, but it was all the furniture Kirsch had other than the bed and dresser that had been left behind by the previous resident.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Will felt he had to ask the question even though he really didn’t want the answer to be yes. He wasn’t good at comforting others.

“I mean…” Kirsch shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s weird. I was never in love with her or anything, but she was like the coolest chick I ever met. I just wish we’d hung out more.”

Will searched for something to say. “Life happens fast.”

“Yeah. It really does.” Kirsch nodded. “Is that why you’re breaking up with JP?”

If anyone else had said it, Will would’ve raged with anger and probably stormed off. But Kirsch was different. He knew just how to subtly push Will’s buttons, to the point that no one ever really knew if he was doing it on purpose or not. Honestly, Will always thought that Kirsch was smarter than he led on.

“Yeah.” Will rolled his eyes. “It’s not working out. We’ve grown apart. He won’t even rub my feet anymore when I come home from a long day at work. And cooking me dinner? You can forget about it. All he does is complain about the kids and soccer practice and ballet. Whiny little bitch.”

Kirsch smiled. “Come on, JP would make a great stay-at-home dad.”

Losing the humor, Will shook his head. “He can do whatever the hell he wants to do as long as it’s far away from me.”

“Danny texted me just before you got here.” Kirsch revealed. “She said JP was asking a bunch of them what he should do. Apparently LaF and Perry think JP is right, and y’all shouldn’t go that long without speaking, but Danny and Laura are siding with you.”

“A tie.” He mused. “You’ll have to break it.”

Not having thought of that, Kirsch fumbled with his words. “Wh-what? Me? Oh. No. I can’t. I’m too biased, dude.”

“Biased?” Will was surprised that Kirsch knew the definition of the word, but more so he was surprised to hear him actually say out loud that he favored one brother over the other. Usually, no matter what the circumstance was, Kirsch played the middle to keep everyone happy. “So that means you’re on my side?”

He grew sheepish. “I told you before…I’m always on your side, bro.”

“Because we’re best friends?” Will couldn’t resist asking. He had a suspicion that Kirsch’s feelings for him were a tad past friendly, but they’d never discussed anything like that before.

Kirsch visibly took a deep breath before answering, “Because I love you. And because you love me. And I’m not talking bro-love. I’m talking more than bro-love. Like…gay love. Like super gay love. Like Brokeback Mountain love. Like two angry cold cowboys in a tent love. Like that dude from Cast Away and his volleyball love.”

Will watched him closely. “Are you saying that because SJ died?”

Kirsch shook his head. “I’m saying it because it’s true. SJ just made me realize that I should say it before it’s too late.”

Overcome with emotion that he didn’t know what to do with, Will stood and headed for the door. Over his shoulder he called back, “I’ve got something I need take care of. I’ll see you later.”

\--

“Do you think there’s an afterlife?” JP asked Laura quietly. They were the only ones left at the library table.

“I hope so.” Laura answered, just as quiet. The library was fairly empty now, but they kept their voices low just to be safe.

“I do as well.” He replied. “There are a lot of people who have died that I would love to talk with if I could.”

“Yeah.” Laura drew circles in the margin of her notebook paper. “If that’s the way it works, I’ll be able to talk to my mom again.”

“Oh.” JP knew he had to tread lightly so that he wouldn’t accidentally upset her. “I’m sorry to hear that. Was she nice?”

Laura’s pencil stopped and she stared silently at the half-drawn circle beneath the tip for several long moments. “She was the nicest person I’ve ever known.”

“That’s quite the compliment.” He commented, trying to think of something else to add. “I suppose that’s why you and my sister get along so well. You have your grief in common. It’s good to have someone to talk to who knows what you’re going through. I’ve really only just begun to get into my psychology courses, but I’ve already learned that having a support system is a vital part of regaining mental and emotional stability after losing a loved one.”

Laura looked up at him with a mixture of emotions that were impossible for him to pick out. “Are you talking about Carmilla?”

Assuming that she was only being forgetful, he said, “Of course. Don’t you remember? Her girlfriend Ell committed suicide. I suppose it’s easier to forget when you didn’t live through it. I can remember the whole thing perfectly. Will and I were in still in high school when it happened, but our mother pulled us out of class early that day. Mattie was already in the car. I remember the ride to the hospital vividly, because it was the only time that I’ve ever seen Mattie cry. I didn’t realize until much later that she wasn’t crying because of the incident, she was crying because she was worried about Carmilla. Anyway, we went into the hospital waiting room and Carmilla was there with Ell’s father. We waited for a long time before the doctors came out and said that they’d done everything they could to save her, but that she’d lost too much blood long before Carmilla had found her and called for help. I remember thinking how strange it was that Carmilla didn’t react to the news at all. But later that night when we were all home again, Will and I heard this wailing and sobbing that sounded like nothing we’d ever heard before. We didn’t even realize it was Carmilla until we saw Mattie running to her room. We didn’t know what to do, so we just sat outside Carmilla’s door and kept watch in case they needed anything. We stayed there until Mattie was woke us up a few hours later. It was one of the worse nights of my life, feeling so helpless…I can’t even imagine how hard it must’ve been for Carmilla. It’s funny, so many years of growing up together, and I never realized who she was until that night. She pretends like nothing bothers her, when really she soaks up the pain of those around her like a sponge. I often wonder how long it will take before she can’t hold it all in any longer.”

Laura’s expression was once again too complex for JP to figure out. “I didn’t know that.”

JP was puzzled. “Which part?”

“Any of it.” Laura confessed. She spoke and moved as if she were in a daze. “Well…I knew she had an ex that wasn’t around Silas anymore…but I never thought anything like this.”

“Oh.” JP tried to rewind the conversation in his head to see where he had taken such a wrong turn. “I hope it wasn’t meant to be a secret. I know Carmilla is a rather private person, but I was certain she would’ve told you about Ell by now.”

A notification popped up on Laura’s phone. She picked it up slowly, her mind still struggling to process all of the information that JP had unloaded on her. “Everyone is starting to gather for the walk into town. We’d better go or we’ll miss it.”

JP felt dreadful as he collected his belongings. He hoped that word wouldn’t get back to Carmilla of what he’d done, but even he was socially aware enough to know that Laura would likely bring it up to her. And it would likely happen soon. The two girls were like magnets, constantly drawn together whenever they got into close proximity. There was no keeping them apart for long.

\--

Will paced around the Zeta house’s living room as he tried to keep his mind focused on one issue at a time. His contemplations were interrupted by the arrival of the very man he wanted to talk to. Theo Straka descended the stairs wearing an ensemble that was no doubt his ‘dressed to impress’ look.

“Karnstein.” Theo nodded at him in passing. He stopped suddenly and whirled around. “I’ve been meaning to speak with you, actually.”

“Same here.” Will gestured to the couch. They both took a seat, neither sure which one wanted to go first. “Okay. Well, uh, I need your opinion on something. I know as my fellow Zeta you’ll feel the obligation to take my side, but I really need an objective viewpoint on this. It’s about my brother. He’s really…clingy, I guess. And I feel like we need to have some time apart. You know, a few months of zero talking. I think it’s what we need so that we don’t go crazy and end up hating each other. And, well, the big thing is that I want people to stop thinking of us as a pair. I want to be my own man, and I want him to be his own man too. But the problem is that he doesn’t want to go that long apart. He’s scared of having independence or something.”

Theo had been nodding along like he was intently listening, but the moment Will stopped talking Theo shrugged his shoulders as said, “I really don’t care either way. Now, we need to talk about something serious. All of this blackmail against the fraternity has to be put to an end. It’s unacceptable. That redhead and Belmonde have gone too far. And since you’re the link between them, you’re the one who is going to stop them. If you don’t, I’ll have no choice but to remove your status as a Zeta.” He paused. “Oh, and one more thing. One of the brothers was walking by Wilson’s room earlier and overheard part of an interesting conversation. There is no rule stopping Zetas from being romantically involved with one another, but now I’m very inclined to make one. Consider that a warning to keep it in your pants.” He looked Will up and down. “You need to change. There’s no dress code for the candlelight vigil, but the Zetas will be dressed well as a sign of respect. I’m afraid this sad outfit that you’ve put together won’t cut it.”

Dazed, Will climbed the stairs and went straight to Kirsch’s room. The door was open, but he knocked on it anyway.

“Hey.” Kirsch said as she pulled a pair of headphones from his ears. He looked like he wanted to say more but couldn’t find the words. That was alright with Will—he had plenty to say.

Will shut the door and began pacing the floor. His thoughts collided together in his mind, and he had trouble deciding what to talk about first. “I…” He stopped pacing and looked at Kirsch. “I can’t fucking believe it.”

“Believe what?” Kirsch asked in a tone that made it clear he thought Will was angry with him.

“Theo!” Will went back to walking in circles. “That piece of shit thinks he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. He just threatened me! I can’t…I fucking _hate_ him. I’ve never hated someone so much in my entire life. He’s the worst president the Zetas have ever had. And I hate the Zetas for following him. They’re all ass-kissers, they’ll never go against him. And they’ll never own up to what they did. To what _we_ did. Zetas are supposed to stick together. I’ve always shown this fraternity loyalty, even when I knew it was wrong. Even when it cost me. But where is their loyalty to me? Theo is ready to kick me out if he doesn’t get his way. What kind of hypocritical bullshit is that? I gave the Zetas everything! I set my mom’s car on _fire_ for Theo. That did nothing to stop the club budget cuts, but I didn’t question him because I was _loyal_. God, I fucking hate him. Being a Zeta meant everything to me.”

“Meant?” Kirsch questioned as he scooted to the edge of his bed. “Are you quitting?”

Will stopped moving and looked at his best friend. “I have to. He’s asking me to go against my friends, to go against family. Being a Zeta isn’t worth that anymore. Being a Zeta isn’t worth anything anymore.”

Kirsch stood and began moving around the room, randomly collecting clothes and material possessions.

“What are you doing?” Will asked, feeling vulnerable and raw after exposing so much of his emotional state.

“Dude, I’m going with you. Let’s ditch this place.” Kirsch answered as if it should’ve been obvious.

Will was shocked. “You…you’d give up being a Zeta for me?”

Kirsch nodded. “I told you, I’m always on your side.”

Will launched himself at Kirsch, having to get on his tip-toes for their lips to meet. When the kiss ended, he looked up at Kirsch with an entirely new perspective. Softly, profoundly, he whispered, “I love you too.”

\--

Meanwhile, the candlelight vigil was just as sad and beautiful as Laura had expected it to be. Everyone was dressed in black, some formal but others dressed casually like her. The club on 2nd and Alvarez was closed for the evening, so the hundred or so that had gathered stood on the sidewalk. Laura had been so caught up with thoughts of what JP had revealed to her that she’d missed the chance to walk into town with the usual crew. She stood friendless near the back with her short candle already dripping wax onto the paper ring around it. A cold misty rain was prickled at her hands and face as she surveyed the crowd.

Finally, she spotted the girl who had been the sole occupant of her thoughts for the previous hour. In the very far back, to the point that one passing by could assume she wasn’t even a part of the candlelight vigil, Carmilla leaned against a lamppost with her arms crossed and a pair of sunglasses hiding her eyes. To anyone else, the sight would’ve been strange to see in the dark. To Laura, it was just Carmilla.

Laura slowly weaved her way to the back, careful not to draw attention to herself, but no one seemed to care. One less body in the crowd meant more of a chance for them to get closer and actually see whoever it was that was talking in the front.

Laura reached Carmilla, but before she could say anything, Carmilla grabbed her wrist and pulled her down a narrow side alley. It was only after they’d stopped that Laura realized it was the same alley where the two of them had first met.

“I’m surprised to see you here.” Laura said as Carmilla let go of her.

Carmilla shrugged and pulled her sunglasses off. She folded them up and slid them into the pocket on her flannel shirt. “Yeah, well, it was either go to this or go to the funeral.”

“So you knew her?” Laura asked. She didn’t want to upset Carmilla, but she couldn’t tame her curiosity either.

“Something like that.”

“Are you being vague because you want to intrigue me or because you don’t want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

Hesitantly, Laura asked, “Are you okay?”

Carmilla shrugged. “I don’t know that either.”

“You can talk to me about it if you want.” Laura chose her words carefully. “Maybe it’s stupid of me to bring this up right now, but I know about Ell. Someone thought I already knew about her. It wasn’t their fault for telling me. The point is that if SJ is bringing up old feelings, I know a thing or two about losing someone you love and I’m a decent listener.”

Carmilla kept her expression blank. “Did Danny tell you about her?”

“No, though I am a bit surprised that you told Danny anything at all. But no, it wasn’t her.”

“Then it was JP.” Carmilla nodded knowingly. “That kid can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

Laura felt bad for ratting him out, but it wasn’t her fault that he was so predictable. “He thought you would’ve told me already.”

“It’s not his place to talk about her.” Her lack of emotion made Laura wonder if JP was right about Carmilla keeping everything bottled up inside. How long would it take for her to pop?

“He was worried about you.” Laura paused. “I’m worried too.”

Carmilla’s gaze dropped to the asphalt. “There’s nothing to worry about. You get used to it when death follows you around. You know, if you want to live a long and happy life, you should probably stay away from me.”

Laura remained quiet for a moment, internally debating whether or not she should say what was on her mind. “Six months ago, on the day before my high school graduation, I drove my mom to the grocery store so that we could buy some snacks to go with our movie night that we had planned. I had to cross a busy highway to get into the parking lot, and the first two lanes had very kindly stopped to let me cross. The only problem was that I couldn’t see the oncoming traffic in the third lane through all of the stopped cars.” She could feel the tears burning her eyes before they fell down her cheeks. “I never even saw the truck that hit us. And it was my fault. I killed her. And I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, or because I want the attention…I just want you to know that you’re not going through this alone. I know how it feels to lose someone you love, and I know what it’s like to feel responsible for their death.”

Carmilla’s mouth hung open as she struggled to find her words. “I guess we’re both pretty fucked up, huh?”

“Yeah.” Laura wiped the tears from her face with the back of her sleeve. “Yeah, I guess so.”

A group prayer began outside of the alley, pulling them back to the current reality.

Quietly, almost under her breath, Carmilla said, “I fucked the dead girl.”

Laura nodded. “I assumed that much.”

“Last night.” Carmilla added. “Here.” She pointed to the club. “In the bathroom. I think I may have been one of the last people to see her alive.”

Laura took a step forward and reached out for Carmilla’s hand to hold. “You couldn’t have known this would happen.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I should’ve done something.” Her jaw clenched. “I should’ve made sure she got home safe. I should’ve stayed behind and made sure.”

“That wasn’t your responsibility.” Laura reassured her.

“It was.” Carmilla insisted. “It doesn’t matter that I had been drinking too, I should’ve known to help her. Just like I should’ve known to help Ell.” She seemed surprised at herself for even saying the words out loud. She dropped Laura’s hand. “I need to go. I need to get out of here.”

“Okay.” Laura kept up with her as she began to leave the alley, careful not to let the dripping wax from her candle fly off and hit her hand. “Lead the way.”

“Don’t feel like you have to come with me.” There was some annoyance in her voice. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

Laura stopped walking, which caused Carmilla to belatedly stop as well. She wasn’t hurt. Quite the opposite, she understood perfectly. “Just promise that you’ll call if you need someone.”

She looked at the ground and nodded. “I just need some time alone. Some time to think.” She started to turn but stopped herself. “I’m sorry about your mom.”

Laura tried to hold it together. Few people knew about her role in the death of her mother, and saying it out loud had reopened a gaping hole within her. She wondered if Carmilla felt that way too. “I’m sorry about your ex.”

Carmilla shook her head. “She was never my ex. We were dating when she died. I was going to love her until the day I died.” She shrugged. “Hell, I still might.”

\--

JP cleared his throat nervously as he checked the time on his wristwatch. It was late into the night, but something had to be done. He couldn’t sit by while people he loved fought and hated each other. He looked to Will, who sat on his bed, then to LaFontaine who stood at his side, then to Mattie and Kirsch who both stood near the door.

“There’s something that I want to say: the fighting has to stop.” JP said loud and clear. He hoped his tone would sound authoritative and demanding, but from the amused looks on their faces, he assumed he’d missed the mark. “No more arguing and yelling. We’re all friends here.”

“Are we?” Mattie questioned with a glance to Will.

Kirsch pumped an enthusiastic fist in the air. “I say yes to friendship!”

Will ignored everyone. He had his own agenda to push. “That’s not why you’re all here.”

“Okay, then why are we here?” LaFontaine asked.

“Because the Zetas have gone too far.” Will crossed his arms. “Kirsch and I are no longer associating ourselves with those selfish pricks, namely Theo Straka. So tonight we’re going to put an end to all of the blackmailing. That means all loose ends have to be taken care of. First, we’ll go get the money LaFontaine is owed. There’s always emergency cash around the Zeta house, and I happen to know where Theo and several others keep their stashes. If the rest of you can distract the Zetas, I can run in and clear them out.”

“Wow.” Mattie was impressed. “Theo must’ve really pissed you off.”

“You have no idea.” Will pressed on. “After we take care of the Zetas, we’ll have to deal with this old Professor VordenDick who thinks he’s some kind of untouchable drug lord. All we have to do is plant the drugs in his house and get back the money he took.”

LaFontaine held up their hands. “Woah. Hold on. We don’t know what kind of security he has. I don’t want anyone getting mauled by guard dogs or shot because of me.”

Will smirked. “Don’t worry. Breaking and entering is my specialty, and I’ve got a plan.”


	7. Perry

“Lola Perry.” She stared intensely at her own reflection in the bathroom mirror as she spoke. “You can do this. You are strong, you are smart, and you are capable of tackling any challenge that dares to stand before you.” She felt silly saying the mantra aloud, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Yielding once again to the overwhelming feeling of despair that clung to her heart, she slid down to the floor and allowed the tears to flow. Her heart ached as she thought of all the people her failure would disappoint. Her parents. Her family. Her friends. LaFontaine. No, not LaFontaine. LaF would likely be the only person who wouldn’t view her as a slacker, or a letdown, or stupid. Everyone else would see her for what she was.

Pulling herself together, she stood and smoothed out her clothes. She washed her face at the sink, pulled back her hair, and went back to work in the other room. She only had twenty hours left before her first final exam, and if she wanted more than a slight chance of making a passing grade, she’d have to spend every waking second beforehand studying and preparing.

A knock at the door startled her. It flew open before she could even think to move, and LaFontaine entered the room with a smile.

“We did it!” They exclaimed while shutting the door behind them. “Vordenberg has officially been charged with several severe counts of illegal drug possession, drug trafficking, and I think there was something about possession of stolen horse tranquilizers too.”

“That’s great.” Perry was genuinely relieved, but the exhaustion of her continuous breakdown-study-breakdown-study cycle muted her enthusiasm.

“Yeah.” LaFontaine seemed to bounce around the room as they walked. “And Will got back everything the Zetas owed me _and more_. It was so great. And I think Will and JP really reconnected over the whole thing, but we’ll have to wait and see about that. Oh, and Mattie and Kirsch were there too. They came up with excellent distractions while Will raided the Zeta house. Mattie dressed Kirsch up like the Hayward U mascot and he _defecated_ right in front of the Zeta front door. The entire fraternity was chasing him around campus after that. It was wild! And then we all went straight to Vordenberg’s house, and he had _zero_ security. Will went in through an unlocked window, planted the drugs, grabbed the locked safe from the closet, and then he just _threw it_ out the window. It busted in two just like that. Money went everywhere! It was amazing.” They paused to catch their breath. “Oh, and before I forget to tell you, Mattie said she’s going to plan a celebratory end of the semester party somewhere. She said Kirsch can make a memorial corner for SJ where everyone can go and take one last shot with her. It seems a little insensitive, considering how she died, but maybe that’s just me. Kirsch was all for it. He said that was just the sort of thing she’d love.”

Perry glanced to the textbook sitting in front of her on the desk, feeling guilty for wasting time that could be spent studying. “That’s all really great, and I’m glad everything worked out so well, but I really need to study.”

“Oh.” LaFontaine nodded. “Right. Finals. I should really get on that too, actually.” They hesitated. “How are you doing? Are you holding up alright?”

“I’m good.” She lied.

“Okay.” LaFontaine nodded but Perry knew from the tone of their voice that they didn’t believe her. “Let me know if you need any help. I’m always willing to run some flash cards with you if you need it.”

“Thanks.” She did her best to put on a convincing smile.

The moment that LaFontaine left the room, Perry opened the middle drawer of her desk and withdrew a small jewelry box. She pulled off the top and took out plastic bag of pills. Popping one into her mouth, she swallowed it without water. It was a talent she had acquired in high school, shortly after the accident in Copenhagen had occurred.

She put the jewelry box away and shut the desk drawer. She wondered where she’d be able to score a few knock-off Adderall for the rest of the week as she returned to her studies. She had her own prescription for the real thing, but it was never enough to satisfy her needs. There was always something to study for, or some paper to write, or some party to stay up all night at. There just weren’t enough hours in the day and sleep was an inconvenience. Caffeine was helpful, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. She was never enough. Nothing she ever did was ever enough.

The next breakdown in her endless cycle bubbled just beneath the surface as she turned to the next page in her textbook.

\--

With a cup of straight vodka in hand, Perry perused the party with the intent of finding a secluded place to study from her phone. She’d spotted most of her friends throughout the empty foreclosed house that was playing host to the combined ‘end of semester’ and ‘Sarah Jane memorial’ parties. The party planners, a.k.a. Mattie and a few of her art club minions, had luckily thought to bring a gas powered generator to run someone’s stereo system. They’d also thought to bring a plethora of cheap glow sticks and portable battery powered black lights.

The property was off in the outskirts of town, closer to Hayward University than it was to Silas. The privacy allowed for the music to be blasted loud, for the drunken cliques to gather outside in the cold, and for the hot tub to be put to good use by those daring enough to strip down to their underwear.

It had taken a lot of convincing from LaFontaine, JP, and Danny to get Perry out of her dorm room and away from her books. Every passing minute that she spent not studying felt like another nail in the coffin. She could feel her passing grades slipping through her fingers like sand. The anxiety of her impending failure was tightly wrapped around her lungs, making it difficult to breathe—or maybe that was the cloud of smoke that hung in the air. Either way, she needed to find a place to be on her own. If a breakdown was coming, she didn’t want it to happen in front of a few dozen strangers.

She had walked through enough of the house to know where everyone was. Kirsch and Will were in the downstairs bathroom doing something that required JP to stand guard outside the door. Danny was making out with Betty Spielsdorf against a wall in the living room, and Mattie was using the very same wall as a canvas to paint an extraordinary kaleidoscope of color that glowed bright and neon in the black light. The constant bickering between Mattie and Danny about valuable wall space was only ever silenced when Betty’s mouth found Danny’s. The kitchen was filled with people Perry didn’t know very well, as was the backyard, the front yard, the hot tub, and the hallways. Upstairs, Perry found LaFontaine in one of the empty bedrooms having an intensely nerdy conversation with a chemistry major. Carmilla was the there too, but she looked far from interested in anything that LaF or their acquaintance had to say.

Perry’s search for some quiet ended as she found the only empty room in the entire house. Without a collection of humans wearing glow sticks to fill the space, the room was only lit by the moonlight that streamed in through the windows. Perry took a seat beneath one of them and pulled out a small plastic bag from her pants pocket. She popped two pills into mouth, downed them with a few mouthfuls of vodka, and set the cup to the side as she winced. Shoving the bag pack into her pocket, she took out her phone and opened the pictures of her notes that she’d luckily thought to take. 

Her studying lasted a whole five seconds before another person entered the room. Carmilla said nothing as she walked over to Perry and sat down beside her. She leaned back against the wall and let her head thud against it with nothing more than a quiet sigh.

“Are you okay?” Perry asked cautiously. She knew Carmilla well enough by now to not be overly intimidated by her, but the two had never actually spent any time alone together before.

“Yeah.” Carmilla stared straight ahead with glazed eyes, her mind drifting elsewhere.

“Where’s Laura tonight?” It seemed like a sensible question to ask, considering how the two would-be lovers were inseparable whenever placed in the same social situation together.

“Don’t know.” Carmilla’s speech was slurred just enough for Perry to pick up on it. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Perry didn’t seem the harm in answering a drunken question.

“What’s the point?” Carmilla gestured to the phone in Perry’s hand, still open to a picture of notes. “Why all the studying all the time?”

“I have to get good grades.” Perry answered simply.

“You have to?” Carmilla questioned. “Or you want to?”

“Both. I have to, and I want to. Don’t you?”

“I don’t see the point in it.” Carmilla confessed. “I don’t see the point in any of it anymore. We’re all just…we’re all just going to die anyway. What’s the point of making a plan…of sticking to it and trying your hardest…just to have it taken away at any moment? What’s the fucking point of it all?”

Perry was caught off guard. “Well we…you see…we…well…I don’t know. We just have to do the best that we can.”

“What’s the point of that?” She asked, oddly irritated.

“I don’t understand what you’re asking.” Perry answered.

Carmilla ignored her. “I didn’t even want to come to this stupid school.” She grew angrier with every passing second. “I’m only here because it’s what my mother wanted. Studying and finals and papers and pretentious teachers who don’t give a shit about you…that’s not what I wanted to waste my time with.”

“What did you want to do instead?” Perry asked, surprised to find herself so intrigued. She’d never paid much attention to Carmilla before. She was always just Mattie Belmonde’s sulking sister, nothing more.

“I don’t know.” She grew quiet. “I don’t like plans. I want to just live. I want to be able to just do what I want, when I want. I don’t want any commitments. I don’t want things to tie me down. I don’t want some shitty job that I hate but can’t leave. I’m a wanderer. I can’t be stuck in the same town. I want to get out and live. I don’t want a plan. I want surprises. I want to wake up and not know what I’m doing that day.”

“That sounds terrifying to me.” Perry answered honestly. “I’ve always planned everything.”

“Then what’s the big plan for you?”

“I’m going to be a medical doctor.”

Finally, Carmilla turned to look at Perry. “But you don’t want to be.”

Perry was speechless. The only person who knew that she didn’t want to follow in her parents’ footsteps and become a doctor was LaFontaine. It always felt wrong to even think about, and even worse to talk about out loud. If her parents had even the slightest idea, it would break their hearts. How Carmilla had been able to guess something like that stunned her.

“I…well…no. I don’t particularly want to be a doctor, but—“

“Then don’t fucking do it.” She interrupted.

Perry shook her head. “It’s not that simple.”

“Uh, yeah, it is.” Carmilla insisted. “What would you rather do instead?”

“I don’t know.” That was a lie. Perry had often entertained the idea of going into social work.

“I know how that feels.” Carmilla admitted. She played absentmindedly with the red glow stick that circled her wrist. “I don’t know what I want to do with my life…but like I said, there’s no point in coming up with a big plan for it. Nothing is set in stone. We can’t keep pretending like we’re all going to live until we’re three hundred years old. It’s stupid. You have to live life in the moment.”

“But planning can be good sometimes.” Perry couldn’t fight the need to argue her side. “Setting goals for yourself and achieving them is one of the best feelings there is. Planning, saving, preparing…it all pays off in the end when you get what you want.”

“Why plan for ten years down the road when you could die tomorrow?” Carmilla asked grimly.

Perry was worried that she might say the wrong thing, but she knew that she couldn’t let a comment like that slide. “Because you’re not going to die tomorrow.”

“Would you have said that to SJ?” Carmilla turned so that she could watch her carefully. “Would you have said that your sister?”

Perry’s jaw dropped. She realized then that she had severely underestimated Carmilla’s observational skills. “How do you know about Elsie?”

Carmilla shrugged her shoulders. “Laura figured it out. She saw the family pictures all over your house. She noticed that your sister is in all of them except the most recent ones.” She glanced over at Perry. “Did your sister get to do everything that she planned to do?”

Averting her gaze, Perry tried to keep her emotions in check. “No, she didn’t. But living life spontaneously is what got her killed.” Taking a deep breath, she tried to focus on the distant sound of party music and the way her brain was starting to feel like vodka mush instead of focusing on Carmilla’s watchful gaze. “On a whim, my sister booked a trip to Copenhagen after her fiancé broke up with her. She was walking around the city, and some guy going too fast on a bicycle ran right into her on the sidewalk. She didn’t just fall and hit her head once…she rolled downhill. It was too much trauma to the brain. She’s been comatose ever since. My parents…they’re not brain surgeons, they’re actually pediatricians, but they have hope that she’ll wake up again. Every year on the anniversary of the accident, they go out to visit her in Copenhagen.” She paused. “Elsie didn’t get to do everything that she wanted to do, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t live a good life. Yes, some people die young, and yes, some people spend what little time they have on Earth putting in hard work for a future that they’ll never get, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us get to just give up. You can’t be so afraid of the fire that you’re willing to die in the cold.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes. “Mattie’s wisdom is spreading, I see.”

“She’s not wrong.” Perry retorted.

“Are you really over her?” Carmilla questioned.

“Yes.” Perry didn’t have to lie about that one.

“How?”

“Well, for the longest time, Mattie was everything that I wanted to be. Smart. Witty. Confident. Strong. Talented. And everything she did seemed so effortless. I wanted to be just like her. But I was in love with who I thought she was. I put her on a pedestal. I idolized her. But when she came to my room and we did what we did…I realized that she wasn’t perfect. There she was, using me to make herself feel better. And there I was, putting impossible standards on a person who’s only human. It wasn’t fair of me to assume she’d be perfect, and I can’t be mad that she turned out to be different than how I imagined her to be.”

With minor stumbling, Carmilla pushed herself up to her feet. “Good talk.” She said drearily before leaving the room.

Flabbergasted by the entirety of what had just occurred, and bothered by the emotions that had surfaced, Perry picked up her cup of vodka and chugged the other half of it.

\--

Faded. Trashed. Wasted. Gone. Perry was on a different plane of existence. Her legs felt like stilts, her sweaty palms tingled as the cold air hit them, her tongue was heavy, her eyelids were heavy, everything was so heavy. Her heart pounded within her ribcage as she slumped down onto the kitchen floor. She knew that no one else was hiding in the dark because the moonlight from the sliding glass doors to her right lit up the room well. Through the doors she had a nice view of people gathered around a fist fight of some kind.

LaFontaine appeared in the opposite doorway, looking grateful to have found Perry sitting there. They walked over and sat down beside her. “There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“I had sex with Mattie.” Perry’s unexpected, blunt confession surprised them both.

“Oh.” LaFontaine’s face was blurry and blue. The glow sticks that they had combined to make a necklace supplied the blue part, while the blurry aspect was all Perry.

“It won’t happen again.” Her own voice sounded distant to her. “That was just…a chapter in my life that needed closing.”

“How much did you have to drink?” LaFontaine asked. “You’re barely getting words out.”

“Not much.” Perry lied.

LaFontaine gave her a skeptical look. “Perr…tell me right now, did you mix pills and alcohol again?”

“I can’t remember.” The truth. “But I’m fine.” Probably a lie.

“No, you’re not.” LaF groaned. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“I said I’m fine.” Perry insisted as the crowd watching the fight outside cheered. “See, they agree with me.”

LaFontaine shook their head. “I can’t believe you’d be so irresponsible.”

“I’m irresponsible?” Perry laughed at how hysterical the idea was. “You could’ve gotten yourself killed over sugar pills! You blackmailed a real drug dealer and then you framed him. And you’re damn lucky the Zetas think Kirsch and Will are the only two to blame for their house getting ransacked. You could be in jail right now. You could be swimming with the fishies!”

“Okay, I only understood about half of your mumblings, but I think I get the idea.” LaFontaine sighed. “I know I’m not the best role model right now, and I understand that it’s hypocritical of me to call you irresponsible, but I’m worried about you.”

“And you think I’ve never had to worry about you?” Perry was so angry that it made her sick to her stomach. On second thought, that might’ve been the booze.

“I’m sorry.” LaFontaine said genuinely. “I’m sorry that I do stupid things.”

“I’m sorry too.” She let her head rest on the wall behind her. “I thought I was going to have a breakdown in front of everyone…I didn’t know what else to do.”

“So you drank?”

“So I drank.”

“A lot?” LaFontaine asked.

Perry nodded. “A lot.”

“You’re scaring me, Perr.” LaFontaine’s tone was serious. “You can’t keep pushing yourself like this. I know the Honors Program means a lot to you, but there’s no shame in switching to regular courses next semester if it means you can start functioning like a normal person again.”

“I have to be the best.” Perry could hear how jumbled her words were now. She tried to focus on making coherent sentences. “I have to do what Elsie couldn’t.”

“You are not your sister.” LaFontaine placed their hand over Perry’s. “And you don’t have to try to be her.”

“I do.” Perry nodded. The movement only made her feel worse. “Elsie was perfect. She was everything my parents wanted. I can’t disappoint them. They’ve had their hearts broken too much.”

“Let’s talk about this later when you’re sober.” LaFontaine suggested.

“You’re a good friend.” Perry knew the comment was random, but it had been sitting in her mouth for too long.

“Thanks. You’re a good friend too.” They watched her closely.

“I know you want more than friendship. Sometimes I do too.” Saying the words out loud would make them irretrievable, but she didn’t care. “Sometimes I even think it’ll be inevitable.”

“Don’t do this.” They pleaded. “Not here. Not like this. If we’re going to talk about that, we’re going to do it when you’re sober.”

“Just take me home.” Perry muttered as her grip on the conscious world loosened and her eyes slipped shut.

\--

Perry sat in a quiet corner of the library with several textbooks and study guides spread out around her. She was too mentally and physically exhausted to focus. Partying the previous night had been a monumental mistake. It took everything she had just to stumble into class that morning for her final exam in Human Anatomy and not throw up all over her desk. It was late into the afternoon now, but the hangover remained strong.

Without announcing her presence, Laura Hollis walked out from behind a nearby aisle of books and took a seat across the table from Perry. She looked as bad as Perry felt.

“You missed one heck of a party last night.” Perry told her with a raspy voice. Her throat still burned from when she’d vomited all over the bushes outside of the back entrance to library.

Laura gave a weak nod of acknowledgment. “Yeah, I heard. It’s a good thing Danny was there to help out.”

“Wait, what?” Perry was lost. She could hardly remember seeing Danny do anything other than have her face attached to Betty Spielsdorf’s.

Laura gave her a funny look. “Danny said that Theo and the Zetas showed up uninvited. They tried to fight Kirsch and Will, but Danny stepped in and took them all down one by one. She thinks she broke Theo’s nose.”

“Oh.” Perry vaguely recalled a commotion that could’ve been a fight. “Yeah, I remember. I forgot all about that.”

“Did something more interesting than that happen to you?” Laura asked curiously.

Perry dropped her face into her hands as mixed feelings of uncertainty and anxiety flooded her system. “LaF and I had a long talk when we got back to campus and sobered up a little. We’re both feeling certain things…for each other…but we’re also concerned about our friendship.” She dropped her hands and sighed. “LaF is the only stable thing in my life right now. They’re the only person who I know would never look down on me if I failed at something. I don’t want to lose that.”

“You’re contradicting yourself.” Laura pointed out. “If you know LaF will always have your back no matter what, why are you afraid to date them?”

Perry was hesitant to answer. “Because what if I’m wrong? What if we try to take things beyond friendship and it doesn’t work out down the road?”

Laura shrugged indifferently. “I can’t tell you what to do with this one, but if being with LaFontaine would make you happy, then I say go for it.”

Perry mulled it over. “I do think that we spend an awful lot of time denying ourselves happiness in fear that it will be taken away from us. What’s the point of that? Why are we so afraid of losing happiness after we’ve gained it that we’re willing to deny ourselves that happiness altogether? It’s like that one saying, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”

“Exactly.” Laura’s entire attitude shifted as the words resonated within her. “ _Exactly_.”

“Wow.” Relief poured through Perry like drinking hot tea on a cold day. “Thank you, Laura. I mean that. I really needed to get all of that out in the open.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. No problem.” She leaned on her elbows against the table. “Did you, um, did you happen to see Carmilla at all last night?”

Perry searched back through thst hazy dream of a night until she found the memory of Carmilla sitting with her in a dark and empty bedroom. “Yes, we actually had a conversation.”

“Did she seem okay to you?” Laura asked.

“I don’t know.” Perry shook her head. “I can’t really remember. I just know that we talked about Mattie, and about life after Silas, and…” She remembered it then—talking about Elsie, but she couldn’t bring up her sister again; not while she was still so emotionally jumbled.

“And?” Laura prompted.

“And you.” Perry was half-certain that Laura’s name had been brought up, but she couldn’t recall what was said.

“Me?” Her interest grew. “What about me?”

“I really can’t say.” Perry answered dismissively.

“Oh.” Laura was visibly disappointed. “That’s okay.”

Perry checked the time on her phone. “I hate to ask you to leave, but I have an exam in an hour that I need to cram for. I’ve accepted that I’m not going to get a good score on it, but I still need to at least pass the class.”

“Oh, no problem.” Laura pushed away from the table and stood. “Good luck on your exam.”

\--

Perry was sitting outside on the porch swing of her childhood home when the freezing rain finally turned from a downpour to a light drizzle. In the glow of the streetlamps, she observed the peaceful world in front of her.

LaFontaine returned from their trip to the kitchen with a glass of water for her. She thanked them as she carefully took the cup with both hands.

LaFontaine sat down beside her and said, “It’s so cold out here.”

Perry took a few sips from her water before replying, “Yeah. I can see your breath.”

“I can see yours too.” LaFontaine looked all around. “Your neighbors will think we’re crazy if they see us out here.”

“They aren’t my neighbors anymore.” Perry corrected. “And I don’t care what they think.”

“Lola Perry, college has changed you!” LaFontaine teased.

“For the better.” Perry smiled. “So I…uh, well, I had an interesting conversation with Laura this afternoon.”

“Oh yeah?” LaFontaine used their feet to push the swing back and forth.

“Did you know Danny broke Theo Straka’s nose?”

“JP told me. Apparently, Danny walked right into the fight, pulled Kirsch and Will out of it, and then started knocking out Zetas left and right.”

“That’s what Laura said, too.”

LaFontaine was confused. “I don’t remember seeing Laura at the party last night.”

“She heard about it from Danny.” Perry explained. “But that’s not all that we talked about. We also discussed you and me. That conversation, along with what I can remember from my talk with Carmilla last night, led me to have a few realizations about us and about my life.”

“What kind of realizations?” LaFontaine’s cheeks reddened.

Perry placed her glass of water on the ground beside the swing before she answered. “I realized that happiness is a choice, and that it’s the choice I want to make. I don’t want to drown myself in sorrows to the point that happiness starts to feel wrong. I can’t let myself get that low.”

“So what are you saying?” They asked with hope in their voice.

Perry felt herself smiling. “I’m saying that it’s time I started living my own life and stopped trying to live Elsie’s. I don’t know where that will take us, but I know that I don’t want to fight what I’m feeling anymore. All this time…I tried to brush it off as protectiveness, or as me just being worried for my friend…but it’s always been more than that. Without Mattie or perfect grades for me to obsess over, I have nothing left to distract me from you. From how I feel about you. From how I’ve always felt about you.”

Dazed, LaFontaine asked, “You’re sober right now, right?”

“Yes.” Perry assured them with a laugh. “I’ve never been so clearheaded before in my whole life. I feel so…relieved, I guess. I don’t know how to tell my parents about not wanting to be a doctor, but that’s a worry for when they get back from Copenhagen. Right now, I just want to sit here and listen to the rain and be with you and not worry about anything.”

“You not worrying?” LaFontaine grinned. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

Perry reached over and took LaFontaine’s hand in her own. “I love you, and that much I don’t have to worry about anymore.”

“No, you definitely don’t.” They gave her hand a comforting squeeze and replied, “And I love you too.”


	8. Carmilla

Standing near a cement column that featured a sign declaring the club dance floor as a non-smoking area, Carmilla lit up her last cigarette. She was five drinks in, and the world was a much easier place to exist within. Unfortunately for her, the peace did not last for long. Her one-track mind was much too preoccupied with the middle-aged flirtatious woman in front of her to notice someone else approaching. By the time Carmilla recognized Danny Lawrence in the flashing lights, it was too late for her to make a run for it.

Interrupting the inquisitive older woman mid-sentence, Danny placed a hand on Carmilla’s shoulder and tried to pull her away as she said, “You’ll have to excuse my friend, she’s needed elsewhere.”

Carmilla shrugged away from Danny’s hand and laughed. “Friend? Fuck off, I don’t even know you.”

Danny was persistent. “Yes, you do. Quit playing around. I need your help with something.”

“Get in line, sweetheart.” Carmilla found her own slurred speech amusing. “I’m a busy woman.”

“It’s urgent.” Danny searched for something that would get Carmilla to come with her. “It’s about Laura.”

Carmilla’s good mood soured. “Oh yeah? What’d she do? Shove this stick up your ass? No? Kinkier, perhaps? We both know how Laura likes it, don’t we?”

Danny was appalled. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“A lot.” Her tone was sarcastic, but they both knew just how much she meant it. The stranger, however, found the response to be hilarious.

“She doesn’t want to go with you.” The woman smiled. If Carmilla didn’t know any better, she’d think the two of them had met before. Shit, maybe they had. Maybe that meant Danny was jealous.

“Oh, I think she’ll want to.” Danny scoffed before turning her attention back on Carmilla. “You’re drunk. I’ll walk you home. Let’s go.”

Danny went to grab Carmilla’s arm, but Carmilla, too inebriated to react quick enough to evade her altogether, reacted by jamming her lit cigarette into the back of Danny’s hand. Danny cried out in pain and whipped her hand back, pausing to cradle it just long enough for her shock to turn into rage. Carmilla watched as the injured hand balled into a fist, and suddenly she became very aware of her mistake. Carmilla’s impaired judgment proceeded to make another bad call as she decided that the best defense was a good offense and lunged herself at Danny, successfully tackling the taller girl to the sticky ground. Danny retaliated by pushing Carmilla off of her with enough force to ensure that she would stumble backwards into their growing number of spectators.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Danny said as she hurriedly got back up on her feet. The warning was taken by Carmilla as arrogance. Again, she launched herself at Danny. This time, however, the only part of Danny that she came into contact with was a powerful fist. Carmilla was out cold before her body even hit the ground.

\--

When Carmilla woke up, the first thing that she became aware of was the glaring pain over her left cheekbone. Carefully, she ran her fingers over the swollen area and winced. Even the slightest bit of pressure sent out lightning bolts of sharp pain that made her eyes water.

“That looks like it hurts.” Mattie’s voice hit Carmilla’s hangover like a train horn.

“Get out of my room.” Carmilla muttered through the discomfort.

Mattie laughed. “Jesus, how hard did you get hit?”

Finally realizing that she wasn’t in her own bed, Carmilla had to blink several times to clear her vision as she looked around. She was on the couch in the living room of their shared apartment, and Mattie was on the floor with a half-finished cosmic painting laid out on old newspapers in front of her.

“How did I get home?” Carmilla asked as she struggled to sit up.

“Danny Lawrence.” Mattie answered while she dipped the tip of her brush into a splotch of blue paint. “She carried you to a cab, which she refused to let me pay for, and then she carried you up here.”

Confused, Carmilla ran a hand through her messy hair and said, “That doesn’t make any sense. That bitch is the one who hit me.”

“Trust me, she did you a favor.” Mattie paused to look up at her sister. “Did you really not recognize the woman chatting you up? She was one of the arresting officers when you tried to rob that liquor store. One of the cops that your mother paid off to keep your record clean. If she’d gotten you alone, she could’ve busted your dumb ass for illegal drug possession.”

“No.” Carmilla wasn’t about to believe such a farfetched tale. “That’s ridiculous. How would Lawrence even know who she was?”

Mattie shrugged. “Something about a bunch of undercover cops infiltrating a fight club? I can’t remember the details. The point is, Danny saw you flirting with an undercover cop who was preying on your unsuspecting ass, so she stepped in and removed you from the situation. I’m guessing by that gross swollen bruise on your face that you didn’t want to leave peacefully.”

Carmilla stood on wobbly legs and slowly made her way into the bathroom. She groaned loudly after catching sight of her reflection in the mirror over the sink. Her left cheekbone was twice its normal size, and colored deep shades of red and purple. The swelling and bruising reached to just below her eye. She considered herself lucky to not be sporting a black eye, and even luckier to still be seeing out of both.

After finishing up in the bathroom, Carmilla returned to the living room. She sat on the couch and searched her pockets for her phone as she asked, “If I was really talking to a cop, why didn’t she bust us for fighting?”

“That would be a question for the girl you gave a second-degree burn to, not me.” Mattie answered. After noticing Carmilla’s growing irritation, she explained further. “Look, when Danny dropped you off, she wasn’t exactly in the mood for chitchat. I got out of her what I could before she bailed. And, hey, I don’t particularly find her to be the easiest person in the world to be around either, but she saved your ass even after you gave her a good reason not to. That means a lot. I know you’re the queen of having too much pride, but you owe her an apology and a thank you.”

“I don’t owe anyone anything.” Even as she said the words, Carmilla knew that she was fighting a lost cause. “I never asked Lawrence to swoop in and save the day like some fucking opportunistic hero.”

“Whatever you say.” Mattie mumbled indifferently.

Carmilla fell back against the couch and touched at her cheek some more, wondering how in the world she would ever be able to face Danny again.

\--

Text Message — Creampuff  
2:42pm Creampuff: If you’re not busy, can you come by my room? I want to see you.  
2:50pm Carmilla: What’s the number?  
2:51pm Creampuff: 307

\--

Carmilla checked for the fourth time that she the right room number before she knocked. The door opened right away, and suddenly Laura was standing in front of her looking just as excruciatingly cute as she always did. It wasn’t fair that someone with a messy life that rivaled Carmilla’s could manage to keep herself so good looking in the midst of a downward spiral. Carmilla was lucky if she even bothered to wash her hair half the time, but Laura always looked effortlessly great. She was goddamn beautiful disaster, and no matter how hard Carmilla tried to stay away, she just kept coming back again and again to pick through the wreckage.

“Hey.” She started to smile but it faltered at the sight of Carmilla’s cheek.

“Hey.” Carmilla offered back before checking to see if anyone else was in the hall. She had no issue with people seeing her visiting the room of a freshman, but she wasn’t sure how fast word would’ve spread about Danny knocking her out at the club and she didn’t want to subject herself to being put in the spotlight for something so humiliating.

“Come in.” Laura said, opening the door wider for her to walk through.

Carmilla had never been in Laura’s room before, but nothing inside it surprised her. She could tell at first glance which side of the room was Laura’s and which was Betty Spielsdorf’s. Laura’s color scheme was simple and basic, and the only thing that stood out was a yellow pillow squished into the corner of her bed. She kept things tidy, but not overly so. There were posters with pop culture references that Carmilla didn’t understand tacked up on the wall.

She walked the length of the room and then took a seat in the desk chair, still surveying the room with curious eyes. She noticed a scarlet and gold scarf sticking out of a half-open drawer and jumped at the chance to connect with Laura over one of her interests. “Gryffindor, huh?”

Laura’s smile returned as she shut the door. “Uh, yeah. What did you think I’d be?”

“A Hufflepuff.” Carmilla presented the answer as if it was common sense.

Laura took a seat on her bed, crossed her legs, and shrugged. “I used to think that too. A long time ago.”

“What changed?” Carmilla asked.

“I did.” Laura replied somberly. “Or rather, I realized that I was just trying to be something that I’m not. I’m stubborn. I’m reckless. I’m a hothead and a showoff. I wouldn’t last a day in Hufflepuff. I see it like this: Gryffindors have this need to fight for the greater good, and Hufflepuffs _are_ the greater good. I know that I’m not the best of humanity, which is why I want to go out there and help the people who are.”

“I’m still having a hard time distinguishing a difference.” Carmilla admitted.

“Yeah, well, a Slytherin _would_ say that.” Laura teased.

Carmilla was up for playing along. “So I’m an evil prick, that’s what you’re saying?”

“No!” Laura reacted as if Carmilla had said something offensive. “You’re cunning and resourceful. You may not care a lot about people you don’t know, but you care _deeply_ about the ones you do. Don’t sell yourself short, you’re an amazing person.”

Carmilla didn’t know what to do with all of Laura’s praises, so she decided to change the subject altogether. “Was there a reason you wanted to see me? Or are you just going to spend the afternoon complimenting me?”

It took Laura a moment to find her words. “I heard about what happened last night. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

She was overwhelmed with mixed emotions, but Carmilla still managed to play it off with a casual shrug. “A simple text wouldn’t have soothed your worry?”

“No.” Laura watched her carefully. “I wanted to see you in person.”

“You shouldn’t do that.” Carmilla warned. “You shouldn’t summon me whenever you want.”

“You could’ve said no to coming over if you didn’t want to.” Laura pointed out.

Carmilla shook her head. She couldn’t lie to someone who’d just called her amazing. “No, I couldn’t have. Trust me, I’ve tried to stay away from you. It doesn’t work.”

Laura was quiet, and Carmilla could all but see the gears turning in her head. Finally, she said, “Just when I think I’ve got you figured out, you surprise me.”

“I don’t like to be predictable.”

“I can see that.”

“Why am I here?” Carmilla asked again. “And don’t say that you just wanted to see me. We both know that’s bullshit. There’s something you want to say, I can see it written all over your face.”

Laura yielded. “Yesterday in the library, I ran into Perry and we started talking about her and LaFontaine and…she made me realize some things about myself. Ever since I lost my mom, I’ve been walking through life like a zombie. And I can’t do that anymore. I’ve been using everything I can get my hands on to distract myself from how shitty I feel all the time, but I can’t go on like that. I’m _tired_. And honestly, I’m scared. I don’t want to be the next Sarah Jane. I’m a fucked up person, and I’ve done some fucked up things, but that doesn’t mean that I have to fuck up my life any more than I already have. I’m ready to get better. I’m ready to _be_ better. But it’s going to take a lot of work to get there. I’ve let myself fall into a pretty deep hole, and climbing out isn’t going to be easy. I’ll need help, and lots of it. No more drinking, no more drugs, no more hooking up with random strangers. I let myself get so twisted and low that I didn’t think there was a way back out, but there is. The choice was always there for me to make. And it’s there for you too.”

Carmilla felt cornered, which never really turned out well for her. “That’s all nice and dandy, but I think I’ll sit this one out.”

Laura was confused. “Carm, I’m not asking you to do anything that you don’t want to do. I’m just saying that if you want to go on this—I don’t know, journey of self-discovery?—we can do it together. I’ve already scheduled an appointment for myself with the school psychiatrist. I can call and get you one too, if you want.”

“No.” Carmilla’s fear began morphing into anger. “I can take care of myself. I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life.”

“Okay, okay.” Laura backed off quickly. “Just think about it.”

Enraged, Carmilla jumped up to her feet and pointed an accusatory finger at Laura. “Don’t tell me what to do. You’re not my fucking girlfriend.”

Laura hopped off the bed and stood tall with her chest puffed out, unafraid of Carmilla’s challenging glare. “I’m not your girlfriend, but I _am_ your friend, which means that I care about you. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black, but you need help. Do you even know what happened last night? You _hurt_ Danny!”

“Oh but she didn’t hurt me?” Carmilla laughed and gestured to her swollen cheek. “I know you’re into kinky shit, but getting punched in the face by a fucking Amazon doesn’t really get me going.”

Laura let out an exasperated groan. “You started it! You can’t be mad at her for defending herself. She was just trying to help you.”

“I don’t recall asking for anyone’s help.” Carmilla headed for the door but stopped to say, “Just because you’ve got your shit figured out, doesn’t mean I’m going to magically be just like you.”

“I don’t have anything figured out.” Laura was angry now. “And I especially don’t have _you_ figured out. Every time I try to be your friend, you push me away, but then you sit here and tell me that you can’t stay away from me even when you try to? What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to be your friend if you won’t let me?”

“Being my friend doesn’t translate into ‘try and change me’.” Carmilla couldn’t understand why Laura was acting this way. Everything had been fine between them until now.

Laura took a step toward her. “I’m not asking you to change. I’m offering you a choice. The choice to go with me down a scary road that I’m not even sure I’ll be able to get through. I’ve got a lot of wrongs in my life that I need to make right, and I know you do too. I know how you feel, Carm. Lost, hopeless, resentful toward everyone for everything. I know how it feels to let your own grief sit inside you and rot. I know how hard it is to even think about letting that pain out again. So I’m offering you a choice. I’m going to work on myself, and if you want to take that same journey, I can be here for you every step of the way.”

Carmilla shook her head. “What are you wanting me to say? ‘Oh, yes, Laura, please let me spill out my inner demons with you so we can bond and do yoga and grow together as happy human beings who don’t have a fucking care in the world’. Is that what you want? Because that’s not me. I don’t go on _journeys_. I deal with shit when it happens and then I move on. I’m not wallowing in my own self-pity just because you are.”

“Fine.” Laura pointed to the door. “If you’re going to be an asshole, go do it somewhere else.”

Now that leaving wasn’t her idea, Carmilla felt that staying would be the bolder annoyance. “I thought me being an asshole was what turned you on?”

“It does.” Laura answered, surprising Carmilla. “I don’t know why I fall for girls who hate themselves, but it’s probably a vice that I’ll need to work out in therapy.”

Carmilla couldn’t tell if Laura was being sarcastic, but she decided to play along anyway. “Don’t tell me Lawrence hates herself, not with that winning personality she’s got.”

Laura took another step closer. “Danny was never the girl I fell for.”

“I’m not going to change for you.” Carmilla’s tone was serious, but the way Laura was looking at her scattered her train of thought. She had trouble keeping her eyes away from Laura’s lips. “I…I’m not…so don’t…expect me too.”

“So don’t change then.” Laura was clearly still angry, but it only made her hotter. “Stay the same girl who pretends that she doesn’t feel anything and doesn’t need anyone.”

She smirked. “I do love it when you talk dirty to me. Tell me more about how sad and pathetic I am.”

Laura was unamused. “You know that I don’t think that about you.”

“If I’m so goddamn amazing, then why do you want me to change so bad?” Carmilla asked, feeling like she won.

“Because I don’t want you to be the next Sarah Jane either.” Laura answered honestly. “It’s not too late to choose a different path.”

“There’s no path for me.” Carmilla was so infuriated that Laura couldn’t see her point of view. “I’m a fuck-up, that’s what I do. I have no path, no mystical journey, no plans, no future. I’ve got nothing going for me.”

“You have people who care about you.” Laura fired back.

“Caring about other people only leads to heartache.” Carmilla couldn’t stand it anymore. “I’m done talking about all of this.”

“Fine. Go! The door’s right there.” Laura replied. “No one is stopping you.”

“Fine.” Carmilla turned to leave but couldn’t get farther than placing her hand on the doorknob. As much as it hurt her ego, as much as her pride was suffering, she couldn’t leave things on bad terms. Laura was one of the few people in the world that she actually liked being around, and turning her back on that was hard to do.

Laura walked up behind her and gently pulled Carmilla’s hand away from the doorknob. Wordlessly, Laura placed a kiss on Carmilla’s shoulder. They were both still furious, but the intensity of their emotions only fueled their arousals that much more.

“Fuck.” Carmilla gasped in surprise as Laura’s hand tightly gripped a fistful of her hair.

“Too rough?” Laura asked. The genuine concern took both of them out of the heated moment.

With an annoyed groan, Carmilla asked, “Do you ever shut up?”

As a response, Laura pulled even tighter at her hair before placing a soft kiss to Carmilla’s neck. “I’m just looking out for you. That’s all I’ve been trying to do.”

Carmilla ignored the comment. Instead, she reached around behind her and grabbed the wrist of Laura’s free hand. She pulled it around to her front and placed it enticingly just above the waistline to her pants. The suggestive move was taken well, and soon Laura had unbuttoned Carmilla’s pants and slid her hand down beneath her underwear. The hand in her hair released its grip and moved under Carmilla’s shirt.

Laura’s hands were like a drug to Carmilla. She craved to feel them on her skin. She loved how strong and demanding they were. They took what they wanted, and Carmilla loved giving herself over to them. And her fingers, so agile and confident. It didn’t matter where they were, teasing a hard nipple under her shirt or spreading slick folds between her thighs, Laura’s fingers touched Carmilla in ways that made her knees shake.

“Someone’s excited.” Laura teased as she ran the length of her middle finger over Carmilla’s aching clit.

“Stop talking.” Carmilla muttered in reply. She began to move her hips against Laura’s hand, grinding her backside harder into Laura’s front each time they came into contact.

“Always so rude.” Laura’s hand traveled up Carmilla’s chest until it reached her neck. She wrapped her fingers around it but applied no pressure.

Carmilla smirked. “Are you going to teach me some manners?”

Laura shared the humor. “That’s much too cliché.”

A moan hummed in Carmilla’s throat as Laura’s finger moved faster against her clit. Carmilla placed a supportive hand against the wall in front of her, while moving her other hand up to her neck. She spread out her fingers and thumb so that they mirrored Laura’s and pressed against them, forcing Laura’s hand to lightly choke her. If rough was what Laura wanted, that was exactly what she was going to get.

If there was any hesitation in either of their actions before, it was certainly gone now.

\--

Carmilla had lost track of time from the moment that her lips had touched the bottle of whiskey. It was a kiss she was familiar with, but it left a different taste in her mouth this time around. On a normal day, it only took her a few swigs to relax and let her troubles fade to the background like a dull roar. But tonight was different. She couldn’t get Laura out of her head this time. Even halfway through the bottle, she couldn’t escape.

Everything was a reminder of Laura. The throbbing pain on her cheek? Laura. She’d been so careful to avoid touching the sore area. The long scratches that ran the length of her back? Laura. Her nails had dug into Carmilla’s skin with little care for the red scratches they would leave behind. The grimy alleyway she was sitting in? Laura. It was where they had first met, back when Carmilla had wrongfully assumed that Laura was nothing but another naïve freshman in over her head. The smell just after the rain? Laura. She once said that she loved thunderstorms. The biting cold? Laura. The damn crescent moon in the sky? Laura. The burn of whiskey at it slid down her throat? Fucking Laura.

Everywhere Carmilla looked, there she was. Well fuck Laura Hollis. Fuck her and her misplaced pity. Fuck her and her sappy revelations. Carmilla didn’t need her. She didn’t need Laura’s sympathy. She didn’t need to change. Hell, she didn’t even need Laura at all. Sure, she _liked_ Laura, but she didn’t _need_ her. She could live without her just fine.

But she didn’t want to. Any day she went without seeing Laura was a bad one. She loved hearing the passion in Laura’s voice whenever she talked about her stupid nerdy interests. And she loved stealing the last sip of a shared drink just so that Laura would make that adorable scrunched up face of annoyance. And she loved the way such a small person had such strong hands, and the way those hands felt on her body.

Fuck.

Carmilla brought the bottle up to her lips, ready to chug the other half of it. She was already well past tipsy, but Laura was still in her head, Laura’s words were still ringing in her ears. The image of Sarah Jane’s dead body being wheeled out of the club on a stretcher appeared before her like a hazy nightmare. As quickly as the hallucination was there, it was gone. She blinked and suddenly she was back to the day she’d found Ell curled over in a pool of her own blood. The fear, the anguish, the painful aching in her chest, the sound of her own screams of terror, it all came back to her.

The bottle shook in her hand, lightly at first and then violently as tears slipped through her efforts to hold them back. With an angry scream, she stumbled forward onto her knees and threw the bottle as hard as she could against the opposite brick wall. She fell forward as the glass shattered, her hands landing flat against the ground as she sobbed on all fours in a dirty alleyway while the ghosts of her past haunted her.

Laura was right, and Carmilla hated herself for not having the strength to admit that she needed help.

\--

Carmilla shivered in the cold wind as she waited down by the millpond. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for her expected company to reach her at the end of the pier and sit down beside her.

“I have to say, I was surprised to see that you wanted to meet.” Danny admitted.

“Yeah, well, I don’t like to be predictable.” Carmilla muttered as she shoved her hands into her coat pockets. “Let’s make this quick, okay? I’m sorry I burnt you with a lit cigarette, I’m sorry I thought it was a good idea fight you at all, and I’m sorry you felt like you had to save me.”

“You’re welcome.” Danny showed off the burn mark on the back of her left hand. “And just so you know, keeping your ass out of jail wasn’t painless.”

Carmilla turned her face so that Danny could see the bruise on her cheek. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

“Shit.” Danny smiled at her handiwork. She brought up her right hand and displayed her faintly bruised knuckles. “You definitely got the worse end of that one.”

“Yeah.” Carmilla sighed and looked out over the water. It was peaceful down there at night. She glad that Mattie had suggested it to her as a good place to meet with Danny privately. “Listen, I get it, you saved my ass. But I don’t get how you even knew that I had narcotics on me in the first place.”

“I took an educated guess.” Danny laughed. “You were alone at the club, clearly wasted, and an undercover cop was hitting on you. If she voted you as the person most likely to have drugs on them, I thought it safe to assume that you probably did.”

“Well…” Carmilla forced herself to spit it out. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Danny shrugged it off. “That’s what friends are for.”

The sincerity in Danny’s voice caught Carmilla by surprise. Danny genuinely considered the two of them to be friends, which was something that had never even crossed Carmilla’s mind as being possible. She glanced over to the Summer, who seemed content to sit on the dock in silence with her. It was strange for Carmilla. She’d never had a real friend before that she didn’t sleep with or consider a sibling. To know that someone other than Mattie had her back and didn’t expect anything in return was a foreign feeling, and now she’d felt it twice in one day.

“Did you really break Theo Straka’s nose?” Carmilla asked.

Danny grinned. “He started it.”

“Nice.” It was the closest thing to a compliment that Carmilla was willing to give.

Danny looked like she wanted to say something, but it took her several tries to actually get it out in the open. “You love her, don’t you?”

Carmilla froze.

Danny pressed on. “You do. I can tell. I think everyone can tell. It’s funny, I’m getting a little déjà vu now. It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting exactly in this same spot on my birthday talking to Laura about how much she liked you. She said you were _interesting_. So much has changed since then. She was just crushing on you back then, but now…it’s like you two are destined to be together.”

In a rare moment of vulnerability, Carmilla said, “I don’t know if I can ever let myself love someone again.”

Danny understood perfectly. “I never thought I’d be able to get over my last girlfriend either. And, honestly, a part of me isn’t over her. She was my first everything, and she’ll always be my first everything. But I’m done letting her control me. She doesn’t get to have any power over me anymore. I’m not going to tell you to just get over Ell and move on, because it’s not something that you can do…it’s something that you have to let happen. I learned that the hard way. You have to just keep living and eventually you’ll go a whole day without even thinking about her. It takes time, which I know isn’t what you want to here. It’s not want I wanted to hear either. Shit, I’m still working through it too, you know? You just have to remember: you can’t force someone out of your head, you can only wait until you’re ready to let them go.”

“What if I’m never ready?” Carmilla asked quietly.

Danny shrugged. “I’m not a psychic. I can’t promise that one day it will definitely happen. And I’m not going to pretend like I’ve got all this shit completely figured out. I’m just saying what’s worked for me. Let me ask you this: if Ell was alive right now, would you want to be with her or would you want to be with Laura?”

“How can you ask that?” Carmilla was too emotionally drained to get angry.

“Who would you want to be with?” Danny asked.

The longer that it took Carmilla to answer, the more screwed she felt. She missed Ell like she missed having air in her lungs. Ell was her everything, her love, her life, her happiness. Carmilla had been young and foolish, she didn’t know not to put all of her eggs in one basket like that. She didn’t know not to give someone else so much control over her emotions. But as much as she loved Ell, the girl had been a demon dressed like an angel. She was manipulative, selfish, even cruel at times. She was one murder spree away from being a legitimate psychopath.

And then there was Laura. Sweet, funny, sexy, caring, _Laura_. Carmilla had no doubt in her mind that if she let down her walls and allowed Laura’s love to fill the holes that Ell had carved out, she’d be happy and in love and life would be better. Laura was the complete opposite of Ell. She was an angel dressed in the devil’s clothes, a good person who wanted to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves. Laura was living proof that a person could fall as far as Carmilla had and then make the choice to get back on their feet. Laura was the embodiment of the strength that Carmilla feared she’d never find in herself.

There was no competition. There never was.

Carmilla glanced over to Danny, who sat patiently waiting for an answer. “I don’t want to lose her.”

Danny laughed to herself. “Sorry, that’s not funny, it’s just…I’ve heard that so much lately. I heard it from Kirsch about Will, and then I heard it from Perry about LaFontaine. Do you know what happened with those two pairs of people afraid to make commitments? They’re together now. Kirsch and your brother have been banging like rabbits, and Perry and LaFontaine are practically dating. And I’ll tell you what I told Kirsch and Perry. Stop worrying about the moment when something will end, and just enjoy life while it’s happening. We’re all going to die, that doesn’t stop me from eating a salad to be a little healthier. We’re all going to leave Silas eventually, that doesn’t stop me from making friends with people that I’ll probably never see again after I graduate. And you know what? I’m probably going to get into a relationship with Betty at some point, and even though I know it won’t last forever, it’ll be fun while it does last. You might not see a point to starting something that’s doomed to end, but that’s kind of how life fucking works. The whole planet is doomed. Stop worrying so much and go tell Laura that you love her.”

Carmilla was in awe. “The next time you want to knock some sense into someone, try using your words and not your fist. They’re much more effective.”

Danny smiled. “Will do.”

“You’re not…going to get jealous or anything, are you?” Carmilla asked cautiously. “I don’t want to start thinking of you as a…friend or whatever…just to have some drama start later on.”

“Definitely not.” Danny promised. “Laura’s a great person, but we didn’t click like that.”

Still trying to get everything sorted out and processed, Carmilla said, “Thanks, Danny. I really needed this.”

She laughed. “You mean that right hook to the face? I know.”

\--

In the freshman dorm hall, Laura was busy studying for her last final exam in morning when someone began fervently pounding on the door. She jumped up and ran to it, pulling it open with the intention of yelling at whatever unfortunate fool thought it was okay to make such loud ruckus so late at night, but she was caught off guard by Carmilla barging through the doorway. She pulled Laura into kiss after kiss, not bothering to shut the door or even check to see if Betty was in the room. Luckily for Laura, Danny had texted Betty not even ten minutes prior which meant that Betty had left for the night.

“Carm…what…are you…doing?” Laura found herself laughing at how difficult it was to talk whilst having someone kiss you like they’d been drowning and you were their oxygen.

“Shut up.” She pleaded with a smile. “Just shut up and let me love you.”

Laura’s heart skipped a beat. She pushed Carmilla back and stared at her with wide eyes before asking, “You want to what?”

Carmilla slowly leaned in and kissed her softly, their lips hardly even touching at all. She whispered against Laura’s lips, “I want to love you.”

Laura didn’t quite know what that meant for their friendship or for their possible relationship, but every worry about commitment issues took a backseat to how incredible it felt to have Carmilla in her arms and pledging her love.

Laura smiled. “Then love me.”


	9. Everyone

The living room of Carmilla and Mattie’s small apartment was buzzing with chatter. The hostesses had not planned for such a gathering—they’d never had so many guests over before in the entire year and a half that they’d lived there—but the visitors had luckily all arrived with food and drinks to share. The spontaneous potluck was meant to be festive, as the holidays were just around the corner, but the punk rock music blasting from the stereo system and the collection of the alcoholic drinks on the counter failed to put anyone in the holiday spirit.

Laura Hollis was standing in the kitchen with a full bottle of tequila in her hand. She wasn’t going to drink it, but the temptation was certainly there. Very much there. If she was being honest, the temptation was strangling her.

“Interesting choice.” Carmilla muttered as she walked behind Laura and over to the dishwasher in search for a clean cup.

Laura quickly put down the bottle and stepped away from the counter. “I was just looking. I’ve never seen that brand before. I wasn’t going to drink it.”

“I didn’t say you would.” Carmilla said as she found a cup for herself and a cup for Laura. She glanced over to the living room where her siblings and the people she reluctantly called her friends were playing a drinking game of some sort. It was strange seeing them in her apartment, even the twins, but it didn’t feel as uncomfortable as she thought it would. They were a group of misfits, but they were _her_ misfits. Sure, she didn’t have all that much in common with Perry and LaFontaine, but they were important to JP and Laura. And sure, Danny was obnoxious and full of herself, but she was a good person too. And, of course, Kirsch was the dumbest ex-frat boy on the planet, but he looked at Will like her brother was a walking miracle, and that made him slightly less dumb in Carmilla’s eyes.

“Thanks.” Laura said as she took one of the clean cups from Carmilla’s hand. “I’ll be sticking to water tonight. You probably should too.”

“Sure thing, _Mom_.” Carmilla was the only one who found her comment funny.

Laura took both cups and placed them on the counter before grabbing Carmilla by the wrist and leading her into the nearest bedroom. The walls were cluttered with posters and vintage pinups, and the only furniture in the room was a mattress on the floor and an overflowing bookshelf. Laura had to push through the clothes that were piled up around the floor and spilling out of the open closet to even get anywhere.

“How’d you know which room was mine?” Carmilla wondered. She shut the door behind them and crossed her arms over her chest.

“I picked the one that smells like stale cigarette smoke.” Laura was clearly agitated as she paced what little of the room she could.

“You okay?” Carmilla knew the answer was no, but she didn’t know what else to say. Even the faintest hint of drama made the healing bruise on her cheek ache.

“No.” Laura stopped with her back to Carmilla. “I can’t go in there. I can’t be around everyone when they’re drinking and smoking and having _fun_.”

Carmilla turned on the lamp at her bedside table so that they were no longer standing the dark. She walked over to Laura and hugged her from behind. “You can have fun and stay sober.”

Laura leaned into the comforting embrace. “I don’t know how to do that.”

“Then I guess we’ll have to figure it out together.” Carmilla answered.

Laura turned around and took Carmilla’s hands into her own. “What are we?”

“Two people avoiding a party.”

“You know what I mean.”

Carmilla nodded. “We can be whatever you want us to be. As long as I get to be with you, I don’t care what we are.”

Laura looked at Carmilla in a way that no girl had ever looked at her before. “I need some stability in my life right now. I need to know that if we start a relationship, you aren’t going to get scared and run away.”

Carmilla’s instinct was to grow defensive, but she suppressed the urge. This wasn’t just some girl trying to trap her, this was Laura. “I learned a long time ago that I’m not the best at keeping the promises I make.”

“Do you love me?” Laura asked, her eyes searching Carmilla’s for any sign of doubt.

“Yes.” She said quietly. “I love you.”

“Where do you see this going?” Laura watched her carefully.

“I don’t know.” Carmilla felt like she was being put on trial, but she understood Laura’s intentions. Neither girl wanted to see the other get hurt, but both knew what kind of pain they were capable of creating. “But I’m willing to see where it goes. I _want_ to see where it goes. I can’t promise you forever, but I can promise you right now. I can promise that right here, right now, I love you.”

Laura pulled Carmilla down into a kiss. She let her lips linger for a moment before saying, “I love you, too. A lot of changes are coming, but I don’t want you to be one of them.”

Carmilla felt a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

\--

Leaning against the balcony railing, Danny looked out at the view before her. Carmilla and Mattie’s room was on the top floor of the apartment complex, which provided a nice view of the distant downtown buildings poking out above the treetops.

The sliding glass door that was connected to the living room slid open and then shut again as someone from the party joined her outside.

“Aren’t you cold out here?” Perry asked as she wrapped her arms around herself.

“It’s going to snow soon.” Danny said, as if that answer would be enough to satisfy Perry’s question.

“I told my parents.” Perry announced unexpectedly. She sat down on the balcony chair and crossed her legs.

“About LaF?” Danny asked.

“About everything.” Perry shivered in the cold. “About LaFontaine, about not wanting to be a doctor, about the party I had while they were in Copenhagen, about the pills. All of it. I came totally clean about everything.”

Talking about family was still a sore spot for Danny, but she pushed through her discomfort. “How’d that go? Did they take it well?”

Perry was unreadable. “They took it about as well as I expected them to. They say that they just want me to be happy, but they aren’t very good at hiding how disappointed they are.”

“About which part?”

“All of it.”

Danny looked back into the apartment where their friends were laughing at a joke Kirsch was telling. She looked back to Perry. “Even LaF?”

Perry’s gaze fell to the ground and she nodded.

“Fuck ‘em.” Danny shrugged. “LaF is great. And you’re an adult, you don’t need their approval anyway.”

Perry sighed. “I’m not going to turn my back on my parents just because they don’t agree with the choices I make.”

Danny returned to observing the night sky. “Sometimes you have to cut people loose.”

“It’s not that bad. It’s not like they’re completely heartless and they’ve disowned me or anything.” Perry backtracked as she realized who she was talking to. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s fine.” Danny threw a smile Perry’s way, if only to ease her nerves. “I wasn’t disowned. I still talk to them. They still send care packages every now and then. Even my brothers call me once in a blue moon.”

“I thought you said that you could never go back home?” Perry asked cautiously.

“It’s not my family that’s keeping me away, it’s the town.” Danny explained. “When you live in a small town and you fuck the preacher’s daughter, you’re not exactly welcome back with open arms. I’m surprised my parents even still live there to be honest. Anywhere they go, people whisper about them. ‘ _There go the Lawrences! Remember when their only daughter had sex out of wedlock with Pastor Joe’s daughter?_ ’ I don’t know how they can stand it. I was a part of the biggest scandal my hometown has ever had. But I’m over it. Mostly. I never really felt all that connected to the town itself.”

“Fuck ‘em.” Perry said with a grin. She knew that using expletive language would cheer Danny up.

Luckily, Danny was still in a good enough mood to share the humor. “Yeah. Fuck ‘em.”

Perry looked through the sliding glass door to see Carmilla and Laura rejoining the party. “What are your thoughts on that?”

Danny followed Perry’s gaze to see what she was asking about. “I don’t know. Indifferent, I guess. They seem to be a match made in heaven though.”

Perry gave her a curious look. “I thought you didn’t believe in a Heaven? Actually, now that I think about it, I can distinctly recall you ranting about the implausibility of God’s existence on more than just one occasion.”

Reflexively, Danny’s hand came up to caress the golden cross at the end of her necklace through the fabric of her shirt. Rather than delve into those messy feelings, she simply responded with, “It’s complicated.”

\--

“Let’s ditch this place.” Will whispered to Kirsch in the kitchen as they surveyed what was left to eat. Most of the snacks had already been devoured, but a few things still lingered on the counter.

“What?” Kirsch quickly swallowed his mouthful of crackers and cheese. “Dude, we’ve barely even been here an hour.”

“I know.” Will glanced over his shoulder to check that no one was close by. “But tonight’s our last night together before you go home for the holidays. I’ll be seeing my family all break; I don’t have to see them now.”

“What about everyone else?” Kirsch asked, a little bummed. Kirsch loved spending time with Will, especially time alone, but this was his last night in town for a whole month, and Will wasn’t the only person that Kirsch would miss while he was home.

“What about _us_?” Will threw back with a quirked brow.

“I mean, well, I’m conflicted. I want to spend time with you, but I want to spend time with everyone else too.” Kirsch admitted before stuffing another cracker into his mouth.

Will took a step closer to Kirsch and allowed himself a momentary pause to breathe in the familiar scent of his cologne. He put on a devilish grin, just the one that he knew made Kirsch weak in the knees, and said, “I’ll do that thing you like.”

Kirsch pushed away the platter of crackers and cheese and nodded enthusiastically. “Yes! Oh my god. Dude. Yes! What are we waiting for?”

As much as Kirsch loved their friends, he loved to cuddle in bed with Will just a smidge bit more.

\--

LaFontaine checked the time on their wristwatch. The party hadn’t been going on for too long, but somehow they’d managed to end up alone with JP in the living room anyway. Carmilla and Laura were constantly going in and out of Carmilla’s room, Kirsch and Will had left to presumably go have sexual intercourse in the twins’ dorm, and Mattie had gone outside to join Danny and Perry on the balcony.

“Interesting party.” JP observed as he shrunk further into the couch.

“I was actually just thinking about that.” LaFontaine paused to sip from their cup. “Honestly, it’s been an interesting semester altogether.”

“True.” He nodded. “So much happened, but at the same time, it feels like nothing happened at all.”

LaFontaine glanced over to him. “You and me…we’re good, right?”

He shifted his position on the couch to face them. “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I didn’t know how you felt about me being with Perry.” They confessed.

“I think it was always meant to be.” He admitted. “And I know what happened between us at Perry’s party was a one-time thing. Actually, I’ve been thinking more and more that it may even be a one-time thing for me in general.”

“You mean you…” LaFontaine didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“Yes.” He smiled. “And it has nothing to do with you, or what we did. It’s just my preference, I suppose.”

LaFontaine gave JP a playful punch to the arm. “Look at the two of us, getting our lives in order like we’re real adults or something.”

He laughed and put his drink in the air. “Cheers to that.”

LaFontaine tapped their cup against JP’s and said, “Cheers to _us_.”

\--

It was just after eleven when Mattie found herself alone in her bedroom with Danny Lawrence.

“This is really good.” Danny praised as Mattie showed off her newest piece of art.

“Thanks.” Mattie knew it was good, and she didn’t need anyone to tell her that it was, but she’d made a promise to both Carmilla and herself that she would play nice for at least one evening. “I finished the morning after you brought Carmilla home from the club. You know, I never really got the chance to thank you for keeping her safe.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Danny brushed it off and moved her attention on to the next painting. “This one’s…abstract. What’s it supposed to be?”

“It’s not a physical object.” Mattie hated having to explain her work, but she pushed through the annoyance. “It’s a concept. An emotion. A _feeling_. You do have those, don’t you?”

Danny rolled her eyes at the playful teasing. “You’d be surprised.”

Mattie walked over to the dresser where she’d placed her cup. She took a few sips from it and watched as Danny admired her artwork. Perhaps it was the booze or the joint they’d shared on the balcony, but Mattie enjoyed the view.

“You’re really talented.” Danny gestured to the dozens of paintings lined up against the walls. “I can’t believe you ever thought about quitting.”

Mattie sat down her cup and walked back over to where Danny stood. She wasn’t a fan of looking up at someone taller than her, but it was pet peeve that she was slowly beginning to overcome. “It was never about quitting. It was about choosing the path of least resistance.”

“So what made you change your mind?” Danny asked. She tucked a stray lock of red hair behind her ear and looked at Mattie with a genuine curiosity that the art major wasn’t used to receiving.

“Carmilla, mostly.” Mattie answered. She had to give her sister credit for the life advice, even if the girl was a walking train wreck herself. “But being around the rest of you this semester did help me realize that I don’t want to spend my life doing what’s easy. That’s not me.”

Danny nodded in agreement. “Easy is certainly not a word that I would use to describe you with.”

Mattie couldn’t hold back her smile. “How’re things going with Spielsdorf?”

Danny shrugged. “It’s nice. It’s comfortable. She’s sweet.”

“Wow.” Mattie snickered. “You’re bored already? That didn’t take long.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Danny absentmindedly ran her thumb over the healing scar on the back of her left hand. It still hurt, though not nearly as bad as it had hurt to have a lit cigarette jammed into her skin. Her focus drifted from the burn to the girl standing beside her. There was a tension in the air between them, but it was hard to place.

Deciding that it would be best to be blunt about the feeling, Danny asked, “Why did you want me to come look at your paintings?”

“Because I feed off of compliments and admiration like any other narcissist.” Mattie joked. She could see something shifting in Danny, something that she hadn’t expected to see. “Why? Did you have something else in mind?”

This was the chance. If something was ever going to happen, something that neither had ever really given much thought to, this was the time to make it a reality.

But Danny had Betty to think about. They weren’t exclusive, but that was definitely the direction they were heading in. And she had Carmilla to consider. That was a friendship that Danny valued, and she didn’t want to go throwing drama into the mix.

Mattie waited patiently for Danny’s response. It didn’t matter to her either way if they took things to the bed or if they kept things the way they were.

Worried that she was taking too long to reply, Danny abruptly said, “No. I was just wondering.”

Mattie nodded, wordlessly agreeing that leaving the unexpected tension were it was would be best for the both of them. “Then we should get back to the party before anyone starts to get the wrong idea.”

\--

Carmilla loved the feeling of Laura’s lips moving against her own. She loved the feeling of Laura’s hands sneaking beneath her shirt. She loved the smell of Laura’s shampoo.

But what she didn’t love was the constant interruptions from their steamy make out sessions.

“And another thing—“ Laura’s words were cut off by a kiss.

They were on Carmilla’s bed, with Laura straddling Carmilla’s hips and with Carmilla’s back leaning against the pillows and the wall.

Satisfied that the thought had fled Laura’s mind, Carmilla pulled back and smiled. “You talk too much.”

“Okay, first of all, I do not talk too much.” Laura knew that Carmilla was only teasing, but she wanted it to be crystal clear that she had a right to speak her mind.

“Cupcake.” Carmilla all but purred the name.

“Yes?” Laura tried to fight her smile but lost.

“There’s a room full of my siblings and our closest friends on the other side of this wall.” She placed a kiss on Laura’s collarbone. “And the more you talk, the less time we have to scandalously fuck each other while they’re all still here.”

“We’ve definitely done something like that before. Do you not remember the camping trip in the woods?” Laura questioned, legitimately concerned. She knew they’d both been a little tipsy during their first time in the tent, but she hadn’t thought that Carmilla would be incapable of remembering the entire experience.

“Oh, I remember.” Carmilla moved her hips beneath Laura, grinding into her. “I remember every detail. Like the way you kept teasing me. And the way you touched me. And how your fingers felt inside me. And how warm your tongue was.” She kissed Laura’s throat as a soft moan hummed within it.

“Do you think we still have time?” Laura asked as she unbuttoned her pants.

Carmilla smiled up at her. “I always have time for you.”

\--

Kirsch and Will were walking hand-in-hand down the icy pathway to the twins’ dorm hall, where Kirsch was living now that neither boy was welcome in the Zeta house, when they noticed a single light still on in one of the lecture halls.

“That’s weird.” Will commented, suspicious that someone was up to no good without him.

“I thought everyone had already left for the holidays.” Kirsch replied.

Will pulled Kirsch over to the brick wall beneath the window in question. “Lift me up so I can see who’s inside.”

Kirsch squatted down and wrapped his arms around Will’s waist. He easily lifted his boyfriend off the ground, just high enough so that Will could sneak a peek into the lecture hall.

“Hmm.” Will struggled to see the entirety of the room. “Must just be the janitor cleaning up. Wait! No way! There’s people _fucking_ in there. I think that’s…oh…”

“Really?” Kirsch found that amusing. “They couldn’t find anywhere better?”

“Dude.” Will gestured for Kirsch to let him back down. Once his feet were planted in the crunchy grass again, he revealed, “It’s Theo and Professor Klaus.”

Kirsch was shocked. He hadn’t thought about Klaus since before he and Will had made things official, but the sudden resurgence of her name into his mind brought back all of the sore feelings. She had used him and thrown him away like he had meant nothing to her, and that was hard to get over.

“What? Are you sure? Was it her or was it just someone who looked like her? How can you be sure it was Theo?”

“I’d recognize Theo’s ass anywhere.” Will didn’t realize how scandalous the comment was until it was out in the open. “I don’t mean that like we hooked up or anything. I would never. I’m just saying, it’s very recognizable.”

“Yeah. Totally.” Kirsch was too distracted by the mental image of Theo and Klaus getting intimate to worry about what names filled Will’s list of past lovers. “But you’re sure it’s her?”

He awkwardly scratched at the back of his neck. Kirsch had only recently opened up to him about the affair with Professor Klaus, but even Will knew how much she had meant to him. “Uh, yeah. It’s her.”

“That…” Kirsch searched for the right word. “What a…”

“Bitch?” Will offered.

“No.” Kirsch shook his head.

“Cunt?” Will tried again.

“There isn’t a word for what she is.” Kirsch found himself walking aimlessly around in the grass. “I can’t believe this! She said she wanted to fix things with her husband. Was all of it just a lie? Was she screwing Theo too the whole time? Or maybe I was just thrown away and Theo was the upgrade.”

Will walked over to him and forced him to stop his frantic pacing. “Wilson Kirsch, you are twice the man that Theo could ever hope to be. I don’t want to ever hear you say that he’s better than you, because he’s not. He could never be as kind, or as caring, or as amazing as you are. I know it sounds cheesy coming from me, but it’s true. You are worth so much more than the both of them put together.”

Kirsch pulled Will into a long kiss. When they parted, he smiled and said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Will smirked and pushed Kirsch away from him. He pointed to the faculty parking lot around the corner of the lecture hall. “What are the odds that’s Klaus’s car sitting over there?”

Kirsch poked his ahead around the corner. “Yeah, that’s her car.”

Will excitedly rubbed his cold hands together. “Perfect.”

\--

LaFontaine had only just ventured into the kitchen for their second drink when Danny emerged from Mattie’s bedroom. They said nothing as Danny walked by them to the counter, and they said nothing as Mattie joined the party in the living room, and they especially said nothing as Danny poured a very strong drink for herself.

“Don’t.” Danny warned after she noticed LaFontaine watching her closely.

“I wasn’t going to say anything.” LaFontaine answered truthfully. “Perry’s the one you’d get an earful from, not me.”

“I don’t know how Laura’s doing it.” Danny sighed as she swirled the mixed drink around with her finger.

“Doing what?” LaF was confused. “Carmilla?”

“No! Jesus Christ. I meant I don’t know how she’s staying sober.”

“Oh. Okay, that makes more sense. Actually, no. I’m still confused. Why is it so unfathomable that she’s trying to stay sober?”

“I can’t go a whole party without a little something to get me through it.” Danny shrugged. “It’s not that you guys aren’t fun, it’s just the whole point of a party, you know?”

“Sure, I guess.” LaFontaine wasn’t quite as certain that alcohol was necessary to have a good time at a party, but there was no use in arguing over it. “So where’s Betty tonight? Home for the holidays already?”

Danny didn’t bother to hide her frustration. “I really wish people would stop asking me about her like we’re goddamn married.”

“Oh, sorry.” LaFontaine physically backed away.

“It’s fine.” Danny glanced over to the living room where Mattie was laughing at something Perry had said to JP. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now. Sorry I snapped.”

LaFontaine followed Danny’s gaze, frowning once they put two and two together. “Did something happen in Mattie’s room?”

Danny was quick to answer. “No! No. Nothing happened.”

“Okay. Never mind. Forget I said anything.” LaFontaine wanted to escape the conversation before they said something they’d regret.

“Wait.” Danny beckoned them back. “What do you think about her? Be honest.”

LaFontaine cringed under Danny’s gaze. “I don’t know. I’ve never really gotten to know Mattie all that well. I mean, we’re friends, I think, but I’ve never spent one-on-one time with her before.”

Danny glanced into the living room again and took a long gulp from her cup before saying, “I can’t tell if I’m just worried about getting into a relationship with Betty and so I feel like I have to act out against that worry…or if I’m genuinely starting to see Mattie as more than a friend.”

“Wow.” The unexpected arrival of Carmilla in the kitchen startled Danny and LaFontaine.

“Just my luck.” Danny swallowed back the rest of her drink before adding, “Please don’t say anything to her about this.”

Carmilla took a step further into the kitchen. “As Mattie’s sister, I’m obligated to tell her everything.” She glanced over her shoulder. “But as your friend, I’m willing to overlook it just this once…on one condition.”

“What’s that?” Danny shared a nervous look with LaFontaine.

She pointed to the top of the fridge. “Put all of the liquor up there where Laura can’t reach it.”

LaFontaine voiced the very concern that Danny was thinking. “But then you won’t be able to reach any of it either. You and Laura are practically the same height.”

“I know.” Carmilla remained expressionless. “So make sure you push it back far enough that I can’t reach it either.”

\--

When Laura came out of the bathroom, she found everyone squished into the living room again. Even Kirsch and Will had returned, both red-faced and shivering.

“You took pictures?” Mattie asked the ex-Zetas in disbelief. “Delete them! That’s incriminating evidence.”

“What happened?” Laura asked as she plopped down on the floor beside Carmilla.

JP answered, “Kirsch and Will set Professor Klaus’s car on fire.”

Laura wasn’t following. “Why? Who even is that?”

Will was the first to offer an explanation. “The married teacher that Kirsch used to bone.”

“Oh.” Why Laura expected anything less, she couldn’t say.

Intrigued, Danny asked the boys, “How did you get a fire going in this weather?”

Somewhere in the middle of Kirsch and Will’s excited retelling of the story, Laura’s train of thought drifted off on its own. She found herself looking around at everyone, at the friends she had made, at the people she loved to be near. After spending so much of her time feeling alone, here was physical proof that she wasn’t. She had people who could make her laugh, people who would listen to her, people who cared about her. They weren’t the group of misfits they’d been at the beginning of the semester anymore. They were a group of friends who knew each other’s habits, who knew each other’s secrets, who knew each other intimately. They’d defied the odds and stuck together through the ups and the downs and the fights and the drama and the getting together and falling out. They’d done it. They’d become something greater than any of them had ever thought they’d be. So, no, they weren’t just a group of misfits anymore.

They were a family.

Laura looked at Carmilla, who was beaming with pride as Will played a video of himself and Kirsch setting a teacher’s car on fire. There was no doubt that this person, this woman who pretended not to care about anything, cared deeply about them all. Laura vowed then and there to do everything in her power to keep Carmilla as happy as she was right now. But to keep someone else happy, she’d have to start with finding happiness for herself first.

Excusing herself for some fresh air, Laura walked out of the apartment and down the stairs to the ground level. She took a seat on a stone ledge near the welcome sign to the complex, and pulled out her phone. She hit the first speed dial button and waited for the other line to pick up. Laura felt tears stinging at her eyes as the first glimpse of snow started to fall from the sky.

Finally, a voice came through the phone. Laura smiled as the tears started to fall. “Hey, Dad, it’s me.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me here: puntrest.tumblr.com


End file.
